The rantings of a gamer/writer/actor/slacker kinda guy who merely is looking for the purpose in life through these mediums.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Regressing Back to Childhood
Well, I've just started learning how to work on my own car. It's not a quick process (clearly), but I think I'm making good progress toward being a real grease monkey someday.
Haha anyway...
This got me thinking back to my days as a wee little child, sitting my room full of toys....
And tearing them apart.
Yes, I was the type of child that would swipe his father's tools and disassemble his toys in ways that the manufacturers didn't intend six-year-olds to do. I took them apart, put them back together, mix-and-matched the pieces to see if I could make a BETTER toy...the possibilities were endless if you were working with interchangeable plastic pieces and toys.
GAH! Nothing like that though...now, I'm going to have nightmares.
The toys I specifically remember disassembling the most was the vast collection of old Power Ranger toys I owned. And, yes, before we get into it, I was a huge Power Rangers fan when I was a child. Couldn't get enough of that shit as a kid...stupid multi-colored, world-saving fuckers.
The Zord toys worked the best toward this endeavor. I loved taking those fucking robots apart and making a BIGGER robot that kicked ass and killed everything. I know those things already transformed and could be put together into bigger robots, but that wasn't good enough for me. Oh no, I had to have a robot that could step on entire cities!
Man, I miss the old days, sometimes.
Haha anyway...
This got me thinking back to my days as a wee little child, sitting my room full of toys....
And tearing them apart.
Yes, I was the type of child that would swipe his father's tools and disassemble his toys in ways that the manufacturers didn't intend six-year-olds to do. I took them apart, put them back together, mix-and-matched the pieces to see if I could make a BETTER toy...the possibilities were endless if you were working with interchangeable plastic pieces and toys.
GAH! Nothing like that though...now, I'm going to have nightmares.
The toys I specifically remember disassembling the most was the vast collection of old Power Ranger toys I owned. And, yes, before we get into it, I was a huge Power Rangers fan when I was a child. Couldn't get enough of that shit as a kid...stupid multi-colored, world-saving fuckers.
The Zord toys worked the best toward this endeavor. I loved taking those fucking robots apart and making a BIGGER robot that kicked ass and killed everything. I know those things already transformed and could be put together into bigger robots, but that wasn't good enough for me. Oh no, I had to have a robot that could step on entire cities!
Man, I miss the old days, sometimes.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Top 5 Computer Villains in Video Games
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!
Last time, we counted down the Top 10 Computer Villains in Film. This time, we're taking a crack at the video game genre. Now, video games have given us some of the most memorable villains in the history of villaindom. Sephiroth, Bowser, that fucking unbeatable smiley face from Berserk...we gamers have fond memories of fighting (and defeating, if we're lucky) some of the toughest baddies. However, there is a serious lack of actual "computer" villains in video games, so I have to cut this list down by five.
No worries, valiant readers, for I shall persevere forward and bring you a satisfying (hopefully) list!
#5 - John Henry Eden (Fallout 3)
John Henry Eden is the President of the United States in Fallout 3. What people DON'T realize until their character actually meets him is that President Eden is, in fact, NOT human. No, President Eden is actually an AI supercomputer that was established, initially, as a monitoring device for a military base. Over time, however, it became self-aware and built itself a personality that is an amalgamation of all former U.S. Presidents.
What makes Eden a great villain is that it not only fools everyone into thinking it's human when it isn't, thus providing such a wonderfully devious surprise to the player, but it also has such a malevolent plan. It requests that the player poison the water so that all radiation-infected individuals are killed, leaving only "pure" citizens left.
Also, Eden is voice by Malcolm McDowell. And Malcolm McDowell instantly makes ANY villain ten times more badass.
#4 - Allied Mastercomputer aka AM (I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream)
Now, I know this is cheating, since AM was featured in a book by the marvelous Harlan Ellison prior to being in a video game based on the same book, but it's just so FITTING. AM is a supercomputer created during the Cold War (which escalated into a world war in this story's timeline) to aid in the fighting. Two other supercomputers of the same name were created, one for the U.S.A., China, and Russia. Eventually, one of the three became self-aware (go figure) and absorbed the other two, becoming the AM in the story/game. The now omnipotent AM enacts genocide on all of humankind, save for five individuals. These five individuals suffer 109 years of endless torture and suffering, as AM refuses to let them die.
AM is just EVIL in the game. He twists and manipulates the five individuals in their separate tests to fall upon the weaknesses they showed in their lives prior to being AM's puppets. He torments, goads, insults, horrifies, belittles, and hurts them in unimaginable ways that only a vengeful god could think up. A small example: he has kept the five from eating and drinking for a LONG time and when one of them initially finds water on their journey, he prevents them from even getting near it. Terrible.
#3 - SHODAN (System Shock series)
Ah, SHODAN. SHODAN was an AI in control of Citadel Station in System Shock 1. The player character, a hacker, was hired to enter SHODAN's systems and her ethical restrictions were subsequently removed, making her the monster that many gamers know and fear. The amusing thing about SHODAN is that the player is the one that created her. In System Shock 2, she manipulates a cybernetically modified soldier (modified by SHODAN, amusingly) to destroy her rogue creations and hopefully return to power once more.
Why is SHODAN deserving of a spot on this list? Well, I believe the answer you seek is here:
SHODAN
#2 - GLaDOS (Portal)
Who didn't see this one coming? Honestly. GLaDOS was, by far and large, one of the most popular villains to come out of recent gaming culture. Nevermind that she's a computer. That has NOTHING to do with it. GLaDOS is an amazing VILLAIN period. Being the AI in charge of a mysterious Aperture Science facility, GLaDOS is the nice computer AI that assists you in the testing of the portal gun. However, as the game continues, the player will notice certain things...wrong with GLaDOS. Did she just insult me underhandedly? Is she questioning my morality? WHY does she keep talking about cake?! Eventually, it comes down to this great battle between you and your portal gun versus the maniacal computer bent on killing you with rockets or horrible gas.
GlaDos is here because...well, I shouldn't have to explain myself on this one. No villain is more unnerving, no villain is more two-faced, no villain is more underhanded than GLaDOS. She, along with the amazing gameplay and suck-you-in atmosphere, are what made Portal such a perfection of gaming. What's even better is that soon gamers will be blessed with the return of their favorite computerized bitch in Portal 2.
#1 - The Video Game Computer (every game, ever)
Don't you DARE question this choice! It is definitely NOT a cop out, and I'll even explain why! Let's begin the lesson, shall we?
How many times have you played a fighting game until the end, only to be cheap-shotted by the boss AI?
How many times in an adventure game did you get stuck in an unwinnable situation because the computer didn't give you the clue you needed??
How many times in an FPS have you started to reload your gun, only to have ten guys with shotguns round the corner and light you up???
How many times have you played a strategy game only to have THE FUCKING ZERGS RUSH YOU FROM NOWHERE?!
The point I'm making is that there is no more evil a computer villain than the processor and AI of every game you ever play. It is DETERMINED to make you lose no matter what the cost. And that is why it beats you.
And THAT is why it tops my list. Period.
Last time, we counted down the Top 10 Computer Villains in Film. This time, we're taking a crack at the video game genre. Now, video games have given us some of the most memorable villains in the history of villaindom. Sephiroth, Bowser, that fucking unbeatable smiley face from Berserk...we gamers have fond memories of fighting (and defeating, if we're lucky) some of the toughest baddies. However, there is a serious lack of actual "computer" villains in video games, so I have to cut this list down by five.
No worries, valiant readers, for I shall persevere forward and bring you a satisfying (hopefully) list!
#5 - John Henry Eden (Fallout 3)
John Henry Eden is the President of the United States in Fallout 3. What people DON'T realize until their character actually meets him is that President Eden is, in fact, NOT human. No, President Eden is actually an AI supercomputer that was established, initially, as a monitoring device for a military base. Over time, however, it became self-aware and built itself a personality that is an amalgamation of all former U.S. Presidents.
What makes Eden a great villain is that it not only fools everyone into thinking it's human when it isn't, thus providing such a wonderfully devious surprise to the player, but it also has such a malevolent plan. It requests that the player poison the water so that all radiation-infected individuals are killed, leaving only "pure" citizens left.
Also, Eden is voice by Malcolm McDowell. And Malcolm McDowell instantly makes ANY villain ten times more badass.
Now, I know this is cheating, since AM was featured in a book by the marvelous Harlan Ellison prior to being in a video game based on the same book, but it's just so FITTING. AM is a supercomputer created during the Cold War (which escalated into a world war in this story's timeline) to aid in the fighting. Two other supercomputers of the same name were created, one for the U.S.A., China, and Russia. Eventually, one of the three became self-aware (go figure) and absorbed the other two, becoming the AM in the story/game. The now omnipotent AM enacts genocide on all of humankind, save for five individuals. These five individuals suffer 109 years of endless torture and suffering, as AM refuses to let them die.
AM is just EVIL in the game. He twists and manipulates the five individuals in their separate tests to fall upon the weaknesses they showed in their lives prior to being AM's puppets. He torments, goads, insults, horrifies, belittles, and hurts them in unimaginable ways that only a vengeful god could think up. A small example: he has kept the five from eating and drinking for a LONG time and when one of them initially finds water on their journey, he prevents them from even getting near it. Terrible.
#3 - SHODAN (System Shock series)
Ah, SHODAN. SHODAN was an AI in control of Citadel Station in System Shock 1. The player character, a hacker, was hired to enter SHODAN's systems and her ethical restrictions were subsequently removed, making her the monster that many gamers know and fear. The amusing thing about SHODAN is that the player is the one that created her. In System Shock 2, she manipulates a cybernetically modified soldier (modified by SHODAN, amusingly) to destroy her rogue creations and hopefully return to power once more.
Why is SHODAN deserving of a spot on this list? Well, I believe the answer you seek is here:
SHODAN
#2 - GLaDOS (Portal)
Who didn't see this one coming? Honestly. GLaDOS was, by far and large, one of the most popular villains to come out of recent gaming culture. Nevermind that she's a computer. That has NOTHING to do with it. GLaDOS is an amazing VILLAIN period. Being the AI in charge of a mysterious Aperture Science facility, GLaDOS is the nice computer AI that assists you in the testing of the portal gun. However, as the game continues, the player will notice certain things...wrong with GLaDOS. Did she just insult me underhandedly? Is she questioning my morality? WHY does she keep talking about cake?! Eventually, it comes down to this great battle between you and your portal gun versus the maniacal computer bent on killing you with rockets or horrible gas.
GlaDos is here because...well, I shouldn't have to explain myself on this one. No villain is more unnerving, no villain is more two-faced, no villain is more underhanded than GLaDOS. She, along with the amazing gameplay and suck-you-in atmosphere, are what made Portal such a perfection of gaming. What's even better is that soon gamers will be blessed with the return of their favorite computerized bitch in Portal 2.
#1 - The Video Game Computer (every game, ever)
Don't you DARE question this choice! It is definitely NOT a cop out, and I'll even explain why! Let's begin the lesson, shall we?
How many times have you played a fighting game until the end, only to be cheap-shotted by the boss AI?
How many times in an adventure game did you get stuck in an unwinnable situation because the computer didn't give you the clue you needed??
How many times in an FPS have you started to reload your gun, only to have ten guys with shotguns round the corner and light you up???
How many times have you played a strategy game only to have THE FUCKING ZERGS RUSH YOU FROM NOWHERE?!
The point I'm making is that there is no more evil a computer villain than the processor and AI of every game you ever play. It is DETERMINED to make you lose no matter what the cost. And that is why it beats you.
And THAT is why it tops my list. Period.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tabletop Tales: Significant Other Syndrome
This is a difficult one to pin down, at least for the non-experienced tabletop gamer, but if you've been playing tabletop games for any extended period of time with multiple groups, you might be familiar with this dilemma.
Allow me to paint you a picture. There you are, bored, wishing you had something to do, when a buddy calls you up about a game that's being started. Now, this game seems to be a pretty standard situation: a bunch of your friends, one of whom is being the GM, starting up a new game together just for the fun of it.
All right, things are looking up!
So, you agree, and everyone gets together for the first session. The GM's significant other is pittering about, but nothing immediately alarming. He/she's probably there to hang out on the computer or watch television in the other room right? Right? Wrong. Right when everyone is ready to start the first session, he/she sits down with their own character.
And so the madness begins.
The problem with having the significant other (or S.O., for the sake of brevity) of a GM play IN that GM's game is because the GM will, more often than not, show the S.O. preferential treatment. This preferential treatment may even go so far as to ruin the game for all the normal players that are there to have a good time.
Here are some examples that I've experienced or been told about by friends:
GM: Okay, you're being attacked by some guys. What do you do?
Player 1: I'll attack with my sword!
GM: All right, that proves ineffective.
Player 2: I attempt to cast a spell at them!
GM: The spell goes off, but they don't seem fazed by it.
S.O.: I look at the guys and send them into the core of the sun using the power of my mind!
GM: That works! The guys are incinerated horribly! Good job, sweety.
Players 1&2: ....what.
GM: All right, you defeated the dragon and his horde is there for the taking. Among the treasure is an elven Moonblade.
Player 1: Excellent! Me being the only elf, I'll just-
S.O.: I take it!
GM: All right! He/she gets the Moonblade.
Player 1: But non-elves can't even USE a Moonblade! It KILLS them if they touch it!
GM: Oh...uh...oh! He/she has a small trace of elven blood that allows he/she to use it.
S.O.: Yay!
Player 1: This is horseshit.
Player 1: Hey, why does S.O. have all these skills and abilities? He/she's like...level 9.
GM: Um...
Player 2: Really? We're only level 5.
GM: Well...we kind of do a bunch of one-on-one roleplaying after dinner/before bed/after sex, so he/she leveled up a bunch when you guys weren't here.
Players 1&2: ....
GM: But it's all completely legitimate!
There are other completely DIFFERENT kinds of Significant Other Syndrome that also cause problems at tabletop games. The above examples came primarily from the category where the S.O. actually ENJOYS and/or UNDERSTANDS the games they're playing. The next example comes in the form of when the S.O. is new to tabletop gaming and not really into it.
GM: All right, you guys are brought before the king and he addresses you regally.
Player 1: I bow before the king, showing my respect.
Player 2: I take out my sword and hold it hilt-first to him as a sign of my willingness to do his bidding.
S.O.: *yawn* *sigh* I stab him.
Players 1&2: What?!
S.O.: I'm bored!
GM: Oh! Uh...well, this happens to be a kingdom where slaying the ruler makes you the new ruler! He/she is instantly crowned the new ruler and everyone pays homage!
Players 1&2: WHAT!?!
And, of course, there's the final example where the S.O. doesn't game at all but makes a general nuisance of him/herself by distracting the GM during a session. Example:
GM: You guys are lost in the dungeon. It is dark and you can hear the sounds of approaching footsteps, possibly enemies.
Player 1: I ready myself for battle!
Player 2: I take out my shield to prepare for an unseen attack!
S.O.: Hey hunny, did I tell you what happened at work today?
GM: No, what happened?
S.O.: *talks the GM's ear off for a good hour or so, halting the game entirely*
Players 1&2: Uhh...
(This has nothing to do with my friend Pete's wife, by the way. Her stories are HILARIOUS.)
Now, don't get me wrong, there are many GMs that don't fall prey to this problem. But many do. And it's wrong. WRONG.
The moral of the story is: S.O.s are okay to play in games...as long as their counterpart isn't the GM.
Allow me to paint you a picture. There you are, bored, wishing you had something to do, when a buddy calls you up about a game that's being started. Now, this game seems to be a pretty standard situation: a bunch of your friends, one of whom is being the GM, starting up a new game together just for the fun of it.
All right, things are looking up!
So, you agree, and everyone gets together for the first session. The GM's significant other is pittering about, but nothing immediately alarming. He/she's probably there to hang out on the computer or watch television in the other room right? Right? Wrong. Right when everyone is ready to start the first session, he/she sits down with their own character.
And so the madness begins.
The problem with having the significant other (or S.O., for the sake of brevity) of a GM play IN that GM's game is because the GM will, more often than not, show the S.O. preferential treatment. This preferential treatment may even go so far as to ruin the game for all the normal players that are there to have a good time.
Here are some examples that I've experienced or been told about by friends:
GM: Okay, you're being attacked by some guys. What do you do?
Player 1: I'll attack with my sword!
GM: All right, that proves ineffective.
Player 2: I attempt to cast a spell at them!
GM: The spell goes off, but they don't seem fazed by it.
S.O.: I look at the guys and send them into the core of the sun using the power of my mind!
GM: That works! The guys are incinerated horribly! Good job, sweety.
Players 1&2: ....what.
GM: All right, you defeated the dragon and his horde is there for the taking. Among the treasure is an elven Moonblade.
Player 1: Excellent! Me being the only elf, I'll just-
S.O.: I take it!
GM: All right! He/she gets the Moonblade.
Player 1: But non-elves can't even USE a Moonblade! It KILLS them if they touch it!
GM: Oh...uh...oh! He/she has a small trace of elven blood that allows he/she to use it.
S.O.: Yay!
Player 1: This is horseshit.
Player 1: Hey, why does S.O. have all these skills and abilities? He/she's like...level 9.
GM: Um...
Player 2: Really? We're only level 5.
GM: Well...we kind of do a bunch of one-on-one roleplaying after dinner/before bed/after sex, so he/she leveled up a bunch when you guys weren't here.
Players 1&2: ....
GM: But it's all completely legitimate!
There are other completely DIFFERENT kinds of Significant Other Syndrome that also cause problems at tabletop games. The above examples came primarily from the category where the S.O. actually ENJOYS and/or UNDERSTANDS the games they're playing. The next example comes in the form of when the S.O. is new to tabletop gaming and not really into it.
GM: All right, you guys are brought before the king and he addresses you regally.
Player 1: I bow before the king, showing my respect.
Player 2: I take out my sword and hold it hilt-first to him as a sign of my willingness to do his bidding.
S.O.: *yawn* *sigh* I stab him.
Players 1&2: What?!
S.O.: I'm bored!
GM: Oh! Uh...well, this happens to be a kingdom where slaying the ruler makes you the new ruler! He/she is instantly crowned the new ruler and everyone pays homage!
Players 1&2: WHAT!?!
And, of course, there's the final example where the S.O. doesn't game at all but makes a general nuisance of him/herself by distracting the GM during a session. Example:
GM: You guys are lost in the dungeon. It is dark and you can hear the sounds of approaching footsteps, possibly enemies.
Player 1: I ready myself for battle!
Player 2: I take out my shield to prepare for an unseen attack!
S.O.: Hey hunny, did I tell you what happened at work today?
GM: No, what happened?
S.O.: *talks the GM's ear off for a good hour or so, halting the game entirely*
Players 1&2: Uhh...
(This has nothing to do with my friend Pete's wife, by the way. Her stories are HILARIOUS.)
Now, don't get me wrong, there are many GMs that don't fall prey to this problem. But many do. And it's wrong. WRONG.
The moral of the story is: S.O.s are okay to play in games...as long as their counterpart isn't the GM.
The Actor on Acting
I was out with my friends, Mike and Nate, this evening, and we got into a discussion about movies. Me, being the movie buff that I am, felt right at home in this particular discussion. Nate, not being as informed about who's a good actor and whatnot, throws out a few suggestions of individuals he enjoys watching.
I, of course, rebut him vigorously and stick my nose up at some of his decisions. Mike goes on, in typical Mike fashion, to call me a stuck-up artsy type. We laugh and he explains that Nate is the same way about music and reacts in a similar fashion if certain artists/bands are mentioned.
But that's a good point, isn't it? I mean, Nate is a musician and I'm an actor, so it makes sense that we have a slightly better insight and pickier tastes in our chosen mediums, doesn't it?
For instance, I (and I'm uncertain if this applies to all actors or just me), personally, watch a film and try to get a feel for the actors' interpretations of their characters. I ask myself questions like "What motivation does this character have?" "What conflicts does he/she face?" "Why did the actor make that particular decision when portraying this character?" and so on.
Not being a musician (no matter what I may tell people heh), I wouldn't even begin to imagine what one would think to themselves while listening to a song or piece. The furthest and deepest my thoughts venture when listening to a song is really "Do I enjoy this?".
I guess that spills over into practical skills as well. My training in technical theater also translates into a critical eye as far as the more technical aspects of films (and theatrical productions if I ever get the chance to go out and see one). Is the lighting appropriately done here? Does the music/sound effects further or hinder this scene? Why does the damn camera shake so badly?
Going back to the original point, when I watch an actor that I believe to be of poor quality, I find my line of internal questioning to be reduced to the lowest denominator. Say, Keanu Reeves, for example. When I watch Mr. Reeves in most movies, I don't ask myself the above questions or questions in a similar vein. No...my questions usually get reduced to "How funny would it be if he said "dude" at the end of that line?" and "Why the hell am I watching another Keanu Reeves movie?". Why does this happen? Well, Mr. Reeves doesn't suck me in with his portrayal of a character, and then I don't start questioning the character's portrayal on a serious level.
It's rather sad, really.
I, of course, rebut him vigorously and stick my nose up at some of his decisions. Mike goes on, in typical Mike fashion, to call me a stuck-up artsy type. We laugh and he explains that Nate is the same way about music and reacts in a similar fashion if certain artists/bands are mentioned.
But that's a good point, isn't it? I mean, Nate is a musician and I'm an actor, so it makes sense that we have a slightly better insight and pickier tastes in our chosen mediums, doesn't it?
For instance, I (and I'm uncertain if this applies to all actors or just me), personally, watch a film and try to get a feel for the actors' interpretations of their characters. I ask myself questions like "What motivation does this character have?" "What conflicts does he/she face?" "Why did the actor make that particular decision when portraying this character?" and so on.
Not being a musician (no matter what I may tell people heh), I wouldn't even begin to imagine what one would think to themselves while listening to a song or piece. The furthest and deepest my thoughts venture when listening to a song is really "Do I enjoy this?".
I guess that spills over into practical skills as well. My training in technical theater also translates into a critical eye as far as the more technical aspects of films (and theatrical productions if I ever get the chance to go out and see one). Is the lighting appropriately done here? Does the music/sound effects further or hinder this scene? Why does the damn camera shake so badly?
Going back to the original point, when I watch an actor that I believe to be of poor quality, I find my line of internal questioning to be reduced to the lowest denominator. Say, Keanu Reeves, for example. When I watch Mr. Reeves in most movies, I don't ask myself the above questions or questions in a similar vein. No...my questions usually get reduced to "How funny would it be if he said "dude" at the end of that line?" and "Why the hell am I watching another Keanu Reeves movie?". Why does this happen? Well, Mr. Reeves doesn't suck me in with his portrayal of a character, and then I don't start questioning the character's portrayal on a serious level.
It's rather sad, really.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
I Know Someone Famous!
Let's talk about my father and grandfather briefly. Both are excellent men, first off. I've always been told stories about how both of them rubbed elbows with famous people in their younger days.
My grandfather, may he rest in peace, was literally roommates with none other than the famous musician Pete Seeger and was LITERALLY good friends with former president John F. Kennedy.
I mean....wow.
My father, additionally, has his own tales of being friends with now-famous individuals. His favorite story to tell is how he was friends and drinking buddies with none other than comedian/actor Denis Leary. It really is quite amazing.
So, because of these tales told to me by my father about these celebrities that he and my grandfather knew, I always wondered what people that I've known that would someday find themselves famous for some reason or another. I mean, no one can really predict who will be elevated to celebrity status. Anyone you've gone to school with or have been friends with could someday find themselves famous.
Well, it seems being friends with famous people runs in the Willard blood, because I've just found out that a former high school classmate of mine is getting his big break.
Meet Jarred Farrow, or as people probably know him better, Jay Pharaoh.
Jarred is a 2005 graduate of Indian River High School, right here in Chesapeake, Virginia. This is the same school and same graduation year as myself. You may be saying to yourself, patient reader, that "Hey, that doesn't mean you were friends with him!". You're right...it doesn't.
But I was.
Jarred and I were theater kids. We took the theater classes, participated in the yearly theater productions, and we knew each other well enough. Jarred was always the funny guy and versatile actor, while I was always the technician and go-to guy for problems.
Here we are in the production of Oliver, way back in the day. The scene is Jarred's big number as the villainous Bill Sykes, and if you look closely in the background, you'll see a young chubby man in a white shirt and khaki pants. Guess who that is? Yup...you guessed it.
Hell, one day during Drama Club, Jared and I had a misunderstanding and got into an honest-to-God fist fight! We resolved it soon after...but seriously!
Well, Jarred finally got his big break. The 25th of this month, he's going to start his run as one of Saturday Night Live's newest cast members. I'm so happy for him. I knew he'd make it big with the kind of determination and perseverance he showed.
Plus, now I can tell people that I decked an SNL cast member. Heh.
My grandfather, may he rest in peace, was literally roommates with none other than the famous musician Pete Seeger and was LITERALLY good friends with former president John F. Kennedy.
I mean....wow.
My father, additionally, has his own tales of being friends with now-famous individuals. His favorite story to tell is how he was friends and drinking buddies with none other than comedian/actor Denis Leary. It really is quite amazing.
So, because of these tales told to me by my father about these celebrities that he and my grandfather knew, I always wondered what people that I've known that would someday find themselves famous for some reason or another. I mean, no one can really predict who will be elevated to celebrity status. Anyone you've gone to school with or have been friends with could someday find themselves famous.
Well, it seems being friends with famous people runs in the Willard blood, because I've just found out that a former high school classmate of mine is getting his big break.
Meet Jarred Farrow, or as people probably know him better, Jay Pharaoh.
Jarred is a 2005 graduate of Indian River High School, right here in Chesapeake, Virginia. This is the same school and same graduation year as myself. You may be saying to yourself, patient reader, that "Hey, that doesn't mean you were friends with him!". You're right...it doesn't.
But I was.
Jarred and I were theater kids. We took the theater classes, participated in the yearly theater productions, and we knew each other well enough. Jarred was always the funny guy and versatile actor, while I was always the technician and go-to guy for problems.
Here we are in the production of Oliver, way back in the day. The scene is Jarred's big number as the villainous Bill Sykes, and if you look closely in the background, you'll see a young chubby man in a white shirt and khaki pants. Guess who that is? Yup...you guessed it.
Hell, one day during Drama Club, Jared and I had a misunderstanding and got into an honest-to-God fist fight! We resolved it soon after...but seriously!
Well, Jarred finally got his big break. The 25th of this month, he's going to start his run as one of Saturday Night Live's newest cast members. I'm so happy for him. I knew he'd make it big with the kind of determination and perseverance he showed.
Plus, now I can tell people that I decked an SNL cast member. Heh.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tabletop Tales: Horrible Death Posse
It's amusing, actually. I can't honestly tell if this is amoral or not.
Let me explain. My readers (readER) may remember my rant about horrible death powers earlier in my blog. Well, things just got a little more exciting for my intrepid and patient companions, Pete and Wes.
Having discovered that we've received these fun Greek/Roman god powers for the purpose of stopping the return and rise of the Titans from mythology, I figure we may need some help accomplishing this already lofty goal (cause...Janus, Hades, and Zeus are TOTALLY enough to do the job alone). So what do I do? Well...
I jump into my underworld kingdom and literally summon the entirety of HELL (Tartarus, for you scholars out there), and have them all get into one big battle royale to see who the scrappiest and toughest of the evil doers was. Well, I ended up with 10 top sinners and this is who I acquired!
10. Ragnar Lodbrok, the legendary viking warrior.
9. Agamemnon, legendary Greek mythological figure
8. Caligula, legendary Roman emperor and nutjob
7. Phil (named by me), the tattooed cannibal with filed teeth (probably from Livingston's expedition)
6. Jack the Ripper, infamous serial killer of Whitechapel
5. Steve (also my given name), a medieval warrior who renounced his faith and slew MANY
4. Jim (seeing a pattern here?), the Aztec warrior
3. Marco, a 19th century ex-military rapist and murderer
2. Cesar, the "Renaissance bastard"
1. "Ghengi", Ghengis Khan's torturer
So, now having my top 10 brawlers from Hell, I decided to outfit these fuckers with suitable and fitting equipment. How do I go about doing that? Well, I summon some blacksmiths from Elysium and order them to forge the weapons of choice for my happy posse.
- Ragnar receives a nice axe, chainmail, and helmet (no, the helmet doesn't have horns, you bastards)
- Agamemnon got a spear and hoplite armor
- Caligula wields a gladius and lorica segmentata
- Phil just wields these big butcher knife-looking thing. Something like this:
- Jack ends up with, surprise, a pair of knives
- Steve gets a nice, new set of chainmail, shield, and sword
- Jim only gets a wicked-looking obsidian knife
- Marco gets a breastplate and rapier
- Cesar gets a rapier and no armor
- Finally, Ghengi uses a bow, surprisingly. You'd think Ghengis Khan's torturer would be an up-close kinda guy. Oh, and a short sword
This means that Ragnar will be stronger and tougher than before...Jack faster and sneakier...Caligula more blood-thirsty and wacko...man, I love this job!
I haven't heard how my moral anchors have reacted to this new development, but I did something to hopefully appease them...
I summoned Hercules to help fight this battle and keep my death posse in line. It's great being the king (of the dead), sometimes
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Wordslinging Critic: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
All right...I've been catching a LOT of flack from my friends for any naysaying I do about this movie, so I'm going to put down into words what I DID and DID NOT like about. This way, all my feelings will be out there and any legitimate debate can follow.
First and foremost, I am in NO WAY saying that this is a bad movie and you should not see it. All I am saying is that, from my point of view, this movie had some flaws. That being said...let's dive in.
I'll begin with the negative points first, just so everyone can stop reading this article after this portion's conclusion (as I know most of you are going to, you lazy fucks).
By the way, spoilers.
First, the pacing. Honestly, I thought the pacing at the very beginning of this movie was fairly poor. Let's look at it from several viewpoints. If you're viewing this is an action/kung fu movie, the pacing at the beginning nearly killed it. There was literally NO ACTION for a good chunk of the film (leading up to the introduction of the first of the evil ex's). Normally, this wouldn't have bothered me, but when you billed this movie as an action-y type flick, and than wait that long to provide what you were selling, that's almost false advertising. If you're viewing this as a teen drama, than the pacing at the beginning was just fine. Good build-up to a crescendo, which built up into the climax, but therein lies your problem. No one that saw a SINGLE trailer for this film was going in expecting JUST a teen drama. No, the main pull of this movie was the action, and the pacing at the beginning nearly ruined it for me. I was literally sitting in the theater thinking to myself "Hey...wasn't this supposed to be an action-y flick? Where the hell is all of it?" Additionally, because of the poor pacing at the beginning, I felt the fight scenes later were SLIGHTLY rushed and weren't done as well or as expanded upon as they could have been.
Next, the casting. Now...this is a duel point with me. I both liked and didn't like the casting in many regards. The main issue I had with the casting was with Michael Cera. Now, before you all start chucking your flaming copies of "Juno" and "Superbad" at me, let me explain. I won't use the excuse that Michael Cera plays the same character in every movie (even though he does, the typecasted motherfucker). As a matter of fact, I believe Michael Cera was perfectly cast for the teen drama half of this movie. The action half of it, however....well, a Jackie Chan he ain't. I use Jackie Chan because, in many early Jackie Chan movies, Jackie portrays kind of a somewhat goofy, outnumbered, out-skilled guy caught up in these monumentally dangerous and precarious situations. Jackie Chan pulls that off VERY well (thus explaining how he built a career on it), but Cera doesn't. When I look at Cera in this film, I don't get the blundering but lovable underdog feeling I get from those early Chan movies, but rather a scrawny, douchey kid that would NORMALLY get his ass kicked by any one of these seven opponents (and please don't start with me about how its a surreal reality where Vegans are super warriors and such bullshit because I think my point still stands).
Finally, the writing (to an extent). Now, being a writer myself, I always make sure to focus a great deal on in-story continuity, plotlines, and dialogue when I'm watching a movie (because it's my area). This movie was fairly tight overall when it came to the screenplay, but I did notice ONE thing that stood out and bothered the fucking fudge out of me. One particular plotline that is built up from almost the very beginning of the movie revolved around Scott Pilgrim's ex-girlfriend "Envy" who dumped him to become a famous rockstar. This plotline was frequently hinted at, touched upon, and built up to the point where I expected some huge moment of resolution between the three characters (Pilgrim, Ramona Flowers, and Envy). But what did I receive for my patience? A dropped plotline. After defeating Envy's current boyfriend, one of Ramona's seven evil ex's, Scott apologizes to his ex and we never see her again.
We never. See her. Again.
She's not even mentioned! I figured Scott would have a huge revelation about how the pain he felt from that relationship translated over to how he was treating women, or Ramona and Envy get into a fight themselves, thus allowing another fun action sequence. But no. We got NOTHING. Well done, writers.
Okay...now, the negative is done with. Those of you that wanted to only read those points first and flame me with comments, go ahead. The rest of you, the intelligent lot, may continue with me.
Let's go back to the casting, to begin things. I have to admit that the remainder of the cast was very well chosen. Standout performances, specifically, from Ellen Wong (who played Knives Chau), Kieran Culkin (who played Wallace Wells), and the majority of the seven evil ex's were all fairly spectacular. Pretty much the entire secondary cast was fairly phenomenal in their portrayals of the various characters. Everyone did a stellar job bringing such subtle nuances to each character, such depth and growth, that I could've enjoyed watching the movie for one character at a time. I won't go into details about each particular actor and their portrayal (as I did with my Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy review), but I will say that as an ensemble, I wouldn't have deviated too far from those chosen. Good job, casting director.
Well...good job, except for Michael Cera.
The visuals and editing were above par. Not much to say beyond the fact that the special effects were big and in-your-face when they needed to be, and much more subdued and subtle at the quieter, more emotional moments. Not at any time did I find the SFX intrusive or the editing confusing and unnecessary. Yes, the editing at times was very quick, but not in a "I have no idea where we are now" kind of way. Now, the effects and editing weren't anything award-winning (not by a longshot) but I found them, overall, to be an asset to the movie rather than a hindrance.
I think the selling point for me, after thinking long and hard about this movie, was the underlying story and subtext. It took me several days of contemplating the movie before I came to the realization of what this movie was really about. Now, before I explain myself, I want to address those out there that call shenanigans on this movie because they found the characters of Scott Pilgrim and Ramona Flowers to be too "douchey" and "bitchy" respectively. What do I have to say to you lot?
That was the point. And you missed it.
The whole point was to present these two characters in that way. The character of Scott Pilgrim is meant to start as a somewhat unlikable figure in his slacker, aimless lifestyle and in the manner he treats women. Ramona Flowers, also, is MEANT to be seen as a cold and distant character, detached from pretty much everything around her. The whole point of the movie to watch the growth of these two characters from the points they start at into what they become at the end.
I'll explain.
Scott Pilgrim's journey in this movie is really a journey of self-discovery in that EVERYONE around him in his life recognizes what a dopey, douchey loser he is. The point is that he really doesn't see it himself. His relationship with Knives Chau is meant to be seen as an outlet for his immature ways because the intimacy and speed of the relationship is within his control, and when that control is lost, he doesn't know what to do with it. When he meets Ramona, the object of his desire, he finds that he desires something well outside of his controllable little world and, because of the evil ex's that enter the picture, discovers something that is worth fighting for and THUS discovers, ultimately, that the one true thing he's fighting for is himself. The entire movie is his journey to discover the errors of his past, the growth he goes through into a more mature individual, and hopefully the self-respect he needs to make positive steps forward away from his slacker lifestyle into something a little less....loser-ish.
Ramona, on the other hand, already starts the movie having realized the mistakes of her past. The difference is that she allows those mistakes to continually haunt her (literally) in the form of her seven evil ex's. She knows, from the very first scene she appears in, that she's wronged these seven individuals in some way or another, and honestly wants to step back and reevaluate her life and the choices she makes. The introduction of Scott into Ramona's life comes as a conflict for her, considering she wants to be close to Scott, but fears repeating the same mistakes she's already made with the other seven. In the end, her ex's defeated, she comes to discover that life is full of mistakes and wrong turns, but it's what we take from those mistakes that truly moves us forward.
The last bit I'll touch upon is the general complaint I've heard about the audiences disapproval of Scott ending up with Ramona at the end when Knives is a much more realistic and compatible choice. This, believe it or not, is true. Knives and Scott are the much more likely match up. It is also true that there probably isn't much of a future between Scott and Ramona. But, again, that's the point. Growing up and being an adult means making mistakes not always choosing the path that is "right" at that point in your life. I earnestly believe that this is the message the movie was trying to convey in its ending.
Aaaand that's my review of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Not as vulgar and insulting as my other review, but I think I covered my thoughts fairly well.
All I can say now is...let the flaming begin!
First and foremost, I am in NO WAY saying that this is a bad movie and you should not see it. All I am saying is that, from my point of view, this movie had some flaws. That being said...let's dive in.
I'll begin with the negative points first, just so everyone can stop reading this article after this portion's conclusion (as I know most of you are going to, you lazy fucks).
By the way, spoilers.
First, the pacing. Honestly, I thought the pacing at the very beginning of this movie was fairly poor. Let's look at it from several viewpoints. If you're viewing this is an action/kung fu movie, the pacing at the beginning nearly killed it. There was literally NO ACTION for a good chunk of the film (leading up to the introduction of the first of the evil ex's). Normally, this wouldn't have bothered me, but when you billed this movie as an action-y type flick, and than wait that long to provide what you were selling, that's almost false advertising. If you're viewing this as a teen drama, than the pacing at the beginning was just fine. Good build-up to a crescendo, which built up into the climax, but therein lies your problem. No one that saw a SINGLE trailer for this film was going in expecting JUST a teen drama. No, the main pull of this movie was the action, and the pacing at the beginning nearly ruined it for me. I was literally sitting in the theater thinking to myself "Hey...wasn't this supposed to be an action-y flick? Where the hell is all of it?" Additionally, because of the poor pacing at the beginning, I felt the fight scenes later were SLIGHTLY rushed and weren't done as well or as expanded upon as they could have been.
Next, the casting. Now...this is a duel point with me. I both liked and didn't like the casting in many regards. The main issue I had with the casting was with Michael Cera. Now, before you all start chucking your flaming copies of "Juno" and "Superbad" at me, let me explain. I won't use the excuse that Michael Cera plays the same character in every movie (even though he does, the typecasted motherfucker). As a matter of fact, I believe Michael Cera was perfectly cast for the teen drama half of this movie. The action half of it, however....well, a Jackie Chan he ain't. I use Jackie Chan because, in many early Jackie Chan movies, Jackie portrays kind of a somewhat goofy, outnumbered, out-skilled guy caught up in these monumentally dangerous and precarious situations. Jackie Chan pulls that off VERY well (thus explaining how he built a career on it), but Cera doesn't. When I look at Cera in this film, I don't get the blundering but lovable underdog feeling I get from those early Chan movies, but rather a scrawny, douchey kid that would NORMALLY get his ass kicked by any one of these seven opponents (and please don't start with me about how its a surreal reality where Vegans are super warriors and such bullshit because I think my point still stands).
Finally, the writing (to an extent). Now, being a writer myself, I always make sure to focus a great deal on in-story continuity, plotlines, and dialogue when I'm watching a movie (because it's my area). This movie was fairly tight overall when it came to the screenplay, but I did notice ONE thing that stood out and bothered the fucking fudge out of me. One particular plotline that is built up from almost the very beginning of the movie revolved around Scott Pilgrim's ex-girlfriend "Envy" who dumped him to become a famous rockstar. This plotline was frequently hinted at, touched upon, and built up to the point where I expected some huge moment of resolution between the three characters (Pilgrim, Ramona Flowers, and Envy). But what did I receive for my patience? A dropped plotline. After defeating Envy's current boyfriend, one of Ramona's seven evil ex's, Scott apologizes to his ex and we never see her again.
We never. See her. Again.
She's not even mentioned! I figured Scott would have a huge revelation about how the pain he felt from that relationship translated over to how he was treating women, or Ramona and Envy get into a fight themselves, thus allowing another fun action sequence. But no. We got NOTHING. Well done, writers.
Okay...now, the negative is done with. Those of you that wanted to only read those points first and flame me with comments, go ahead. The rest of you, the intelligent lot, may continue with me.
Let's go back to the casting, to begin things. I have to admit that the remainder of the cast was very well chosen. Standout performances, specifically, from Ellen Wong (who played Knives Chau), Kieran Culkin (who played Wallace Wells), and the majority of the seven evil ex's were all fairly spectacular. Pretty much the entire secondary cast was fairly phenomenal in their portrayals of the various characters. Everyone did a stellar job bringing such subtle nuances to each character, such depth and growth, that I could've enjoyed watching the movie for one character at a time. I won't go into details about each particular actor and their portrayal (as I did with my Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy review), but I will say that as an ensemble, I wouldn't have deviated too far from those chosen. Good job, casting director.
Well...good job, except for Michael Cera.
The visuals and editing were above par. Not much to say beyond the fact that the special effects were big and in-your-face when they needed to be, and much more subdued and subtle at the quieter, more emotional moments. Not at any time did I find the SFX intrusive or the editing confusing and unnecessary. Yes, the editing at times was very quick, but not in a "I have no idea where we are now" kind of way. Now, the effects and editing weren't anything award-winning (not by a longshot) but I found them, overall, to be an asset to the movie rather than a hindrance.
I think the selling point for me, after thinking long and hard about this movie, was the underlying story and subtext. It took me several days of contemplating the movie before I came to the realization of what this movie was really about. Now, before I explain myself, I want to address those out there that call shenanigans on this movie because they found the characters of Scott Pilgrim and Ramona Flowers to be too "douchey" and "bitchy" respectively. What do I have to say to you lot?
That was the point. And you missed it.
The whole point was to present these two characters in that way. The character of Scott Pilgrim is meant to start as a somewhat unlikable figure in his slacker, aimless lifestyle and in the manner he treats women. Ramona Flowers, also, is MEANT to be seen as a cold and distant character, detached from pretty much everything around her. The whole point of the movie to watch the growth of these two characters from the points they start at into what they become at the end.
I'll explain.
Scott Pilgrim's journey in this movie is really a journey of self-discovery in that EVERYONE around him in his life recognizes what a dopey, douchey loser he is. The point is that he really doesn't see it himself. His relationship with Knives Chau is meant to be seen as an outlet for his immature ways because the intimacy and speed of the relationship is within his control, and when that control is lost, he doesn't know what to do with it. When he meets Ramona, the object of his desire, he finds that he desires something well outside of his controllable little world and, because of the evil ex's that enter the picture, discovers something that is worth fighting for and THUS discovers, ultimately, that the one true thing he's fighting for is himself. The entire movie is his journey to discover the errors of his past, the growth he goes through into a more mature individual, and hopefully the self-respect he needs to make positive steps forward away from his slacker lifestyle into something a little less....loser-ish.
Ramona, on the other hand, already starts the movie having realized the mistakes of her past. The difference is that she allows those mistakes to continually haunt her (literally) in the form of her seven evil ex's. She knows, from the very first scene she appears in, that she's wronged these seven individuals in some way or another, and honestly wants to step back and reevaluate her life and the choices she makes. The introduction of Scott into Ramona's life comes as a conflict for her, considering she wants to be close to Scott, but fears repeating the same mistakes she's already made with the other seven. In the end, her ex's defeated, she comes to discover that life is full of mistakes and wrong turns, but it's what we take from those mistakes that truly moves us forward.
The last bit I'll touch upon is the general complaint I've heard about the audiences disapproval of Scott ending up with Ramona at the end when Knives is a much more realistic and compatible choice. This, believe it or not, is true. Knives and Scott are the much more likely match up. It is also true that there probably isn't much of a future between Scott and Ramona. But, again, that's the point. Growing up and being an adult means making mistakes not always choosing the path that is "right" at that point in your life. I earnestly believe that this is the message the movie was trying to convey in its ending.
Aaaand that's my review of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Not as vulgar and insulting as my other review, but I think I covered my thoughts fairly well.
All I can say now is...let the flaming begin!
Tabletop Tales: Shadowrun Story
This is the story for my technomancer's third submersion in my weekly Shadowrun game. I thought it was actually decent, so I thought I'd share! Enjoy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon getting settled into their suborbital flight back to Seattle, Wires immediately entered the Matrix. He detested these long flights and used the time to his advantage to improve upon his Matrix skills. Now, after their long adventure in Hong Kong, it was finally time to see that old program again.
He dove into his world, quickly locating the technomancer group he had found to help him with this. They were young, younger than him, but he didn't mind. He'd rather keep the real technomancer community out of his dealings, considering his past indiscretions with them. With the grouping of young (nearly all of them newly emerged) 'mancers, Wires assembled a difficult to construct piece of code and dove back into the that serene Resonance realm.
Opening his eyes, he found himself on the same path he started on during his last ordeal. Knowing the way, he quickly located the building that had called him before...the building that he wasn't allowed to enter on his first trip here. Sure enough, the ever-pulling magnetism of the structure remained. It seemed to resonate into the very data core of Wires' icon, calling him. The very unnerving and yet natural feeling of it filled Wires with a sort of unease that he normally didn't feel while in the Matrix.
He slowly approached the building's front door, his eyes fixated on the handle. He had to know what was behind it. He had to feel it. He had to experience it. He knew the answers to many of his questions were in there and he HAD to have them. Inch by inch, his quivering hand drew closer and closer to the handle, to the gateway that separated him from whatever it was inside.
"Hello again, my pupil," a voice reverberated with the same soul-shaking reverberation that emanated from the house.
Wires spun on his heels to find the old monk program standing behind him, smiling softly.
"You, again!" Wires stated, both in surprise and frustration, "You are not going to make me spin more plates, are you?"
The monk seemed to chuckle as he strode over to the young technomancer. Head and eyes downcast at the ground, hands behind his back, he circled Wires slowly until they were side-by-side facing outward, away from the door.
"No, no, young one. That step in your training has long since been completed. Now, you have returned to seek what is in there," the old man made a slight nod over his shoulder.
Wires nodded.
"Come," the monk stepped off the buildings porch and into the courtyard adjacent. Crouching down into the dirt, he picked up a stick and began to draw something in the soft soil beneath their feet. Wires, curious, slowly approached and gazed over the monk's shoulder to inspect.
The symbol drawn was not one unfamiliar to Wires: a simple yin and yang. The monk finished his drawing and stood back up, gazing down at his work.
"Are you familiar with the concept of yin yang, my pupil?" the monk asked. Not waiting for an answer he continued, "It represents the seemingly contradictory and polar forces that somehow exist in harmony and even essentially give birth to one another. Balance."
The monk turned away from the yin yang toward the building.
"Inside is your yin and yang, young one. The two opposing forces that live in harmony with each other. Are you ready?"
Wires paused. The monk's words held heavy in the air. After what seemed like an eternity, similar to the extended exercise with the plates in his previous visit, Wires nodded, eyes still locked on the building before him.
"Then your time with me has come to its end," the old monk stated simply. He turned to Wires and smiled, "Young Wires, I permit you access. May our paths cross again someday."
With that, the monk was gone. Wires stood alone in the courtyard contemplating the nature of his mentor program and of the program's final words to him. The time had finally come for him to enter.
Without another moment's hesitation, no longer able to resist the building's call, he dashed to the door, flung it open, and threw himself inside.
Blackness.
He was surrounded on all sides by a familiar blackness, the same kind that had enveloped him in his first submersion. He examined himself and found that he was back in his icon's body, no longer restrained by the limitations of his meat form.
[Hello?]
Within the blackness surrounding him hummed a distant approaching sound, similar to how one can hear a train coming down a tunnel even when it is some distance away. The sound grew closer and louder with each passing milimoment until an earth-shattering THUMP shook him.
Wires breathed heavily. He blinked.
"Breath...?"
His hands were his own meat body hands again. He blinked several times, but to no avail as the hands remained as they were.
Again, the sound came from a distance and assaulted him with the pounding THUMP, knocking his concentration off once more.
[What is going on?]
The blackness around him seemed to fade away slightly as a view of the suborbital gave way. Not only a view of the suborbital, but the view through HIS eyes. His MEAT eyes.
The sound came again, faster this time, and much louder as the space around him literally shook with the powerful THUMP. Again, his form had changed back into the meat, his growing concern and doubt began to creep.
"What if I was not ready for this?"
Before he could think more on it, the image of the suborbital gave way a bit more, only this time, data streams and nodes seemed to merge with it. The THUMP came again. The blackness pulsed and receded each time. Again the THUMP. The nodes and streams and seas of information meshed more. THUMP.
Wires could feel himself being torn in twain.
THUMP.
Meat body. Suborbital.
THUMP.
Icon. Data streams and nodes.
THUMP.
Meat body. Data streams and nodes.
THUMP.
Icon. Suborbital.
By now, the THUMPing was coming at regular, steady intervals. It was almost as if it was...
[My...heartbeat?"
And suddenly Wires was awake. Not awake in the sense that he had come out of VR, but truly awake. He gazed about himself. His icon's head and his meat head moved simultaneously and in tandem with each other. Surrounding him was his surroundings on the suborbital, including Bones sitting next to him, and the topography of the Matrix itself, meshed together into a seamless view of both realities. He could feel his complete connection to all these things at once.
He reached out and touched the video screen in front of him, at the same time his icon touched its node. They felt the same, at least to him. He had done it. He had finally unlocked the secrets. He had finally achieved...
"Balance.]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon getting settled into their suborbital flight back to Seattle, Wires immediately entered the Matrix. He detested these long flights and used the time to his advantage to improve upon his Matrix skills. Now, after their long adventure in Hong Kong, it was finally time to see that old program again.
He dove into his world, quickly locating the technomancer group he had found to help him with this. They were young, younger than him, but he didn't mind. He'd rather keep the real technomancer community out of his dealings, considering his past indiscretions with them. With the grouping of young (nearly all of them newly emerged) 'mancers, Wires assembled a difficult to construct piece of code and dove back into the that serene Resonance realm.
Opening his eyes, he found himself on the same path he started on during his last ordeal. Knowing the way, he quickly located the building that had called him before...the building that he wasn't allowed to enter on his first trip here. Sure enough, the ever-pulling magnetism of the structure remained. It seemed to resonate into the very data core of Wires' icon, calling him. The very unnerving and yet natural feeling of it filled Wires with a sort of unease that he normally didn't feel while in the Matrix.
He slowly approached the building's front door, his eyes fixated on the handle. He had to know what was behind it. He had to feel it. He had to experience it. He knew the answers to many of his questions were in there and he HAD to have them. Inch by inch, his quivering hand drew closer and closer to the handle, to the gateway that separated him from whatever it was inside.
"Hello again, my pupil," a voice reverberated with the same soul-shaking reverberation that emanated from the house.
Wires spun on his heels to find the old monk program standing behind him, smiling softly.
"You, again!" Wires stated, both in surprise and frustration, "You are not going to make me spin more plates, are you?"
The monk seemed to chuckle as he strode over to the young technomancer. Head and eyes downcast at the ground, hands behind his back, he circled Wires slowly until they were side-by-side facing outward, away from the door.
"No, no, young one. That step in your training has long since been completed. Now, you have returned to seek what is in there," the old man made a slight nod over his shoulder.
Wires nodded.
"Come," the monk stepped off the buildings porch and into the courtyard adjacent. Crouching down into the dirt, he picked up a stick and began to draw something in the soft soil beneath their feet. Wires, curious, slowly approached and gazed over the monk's shoulder to inspect.
The symbol drawn was not one unfamiliar to Wires: a simple yin and yang. The monk finished his drawing and stood back up, gazing down at his work.
"Are you familiar with the concept of yin yang, my pupil?" the monk asked. Not waiting for an answer he continued, "It represents the seemingly contradictory and polar forces that somehow exist in harmony and even essentially give birth to one another. Balance."
The monk turned away from the yin yang toward the building.
"Inside is your yin and yang, young one. The two opposing forces that live in harmony with each other. Are you ready?"
Wires paused. The monk's words held heavy in the air. After what seemed like an eternity, similar to the extended exercise with the plates in his previous visit, Wires nodded, eyes still locked on the building before him.
"Then your time with me has come to its end," the old monk stated simply. He turned to Wires and smiled, "Young Wires, I permit you access. May our paths cross again someday."
With that, the monk was gone. Wires stood alone in the courtyard contemplating the nature of his mentor program and of the program's final words to him. The time had finally come for him to enter.
Without another moment's hesitation, no longer able to resist the building's call, he dashed to the door, flung it open, and threw himself inside.
Blackness.
He was surrounded on all sides by a familiar blackness, the same kind that had enveloped him in his first submersion. He examined himself and found that he was back in his icon's body, no longer restrained by the limitations of his meat form.
[Hello?]
Within the blackness surrounding him hummed a distant approaching sound, similar to how one can hear a train coming down a tunnel even when it is some distance away. The sound grew closer and louder with each passing milimoment until an earth-shattering THUMP shook him.
Wires breathed heavily. He blinked.
"Breath...?"
His hands were his own meat body hands again. He blinked several times, but to no avail as the hands remained as they were.
Again, the sound came from a distance and assaulted him with the pounding THUMP, knocking his concentration off once more.
[What is going on?]
The blackness around him seemed to fade away slightly as a view of the suborbital gave way. Not only a view of the suborbital, but the view through HIS eyes. His MEAT eyes.
The sound came again, faster this time, and much louder as the space around him literally shook with the powerful THUMP. Again, his form had changed back into the meat, his growing concern and doubt began to creep.
"What if I was not ready for this?"
Before he could think more on it, the image of the suborbital gave way a bit more, only this time, data streams and nodes seemed to merge with it. The THUMP came again. The blackness pulsed and receded each time. Again the THUMP. The nodes and streams and seas of information meshed more. THUMP.
Wires could feel himself being torn in twain.
THUMP.
Meat body. Suborbital.
THUMP.
Icon. Data streams and nodes.
THUMP.
Meat body. Data streams and nodes.
THUMP.
Icon. Suborbital.
By now, the THUMPing was coming at regular, steady intervals. It was almost as if it was...
[My...heartbeat?"
And suddenly Wires was awake. Not awake in the sense that he had come out of VR, but truly awake. He gazed about himself. His icon's head and his meat head moved simultaneously and in tandem with each other. Surrounding him was his surroundings on the suborbital, including Bones sitting next to him, and the topography of the Matrix itself, meshed together into a seamless view of both realities. He could feel his complete connection to all these things at once.
He reached out and touched the video screen in front of him, at the same time his icon touched its node. They felt the same, at least to him. He had done it. He had finally unlocked the secrets. He had finally achieved...
"Balance.]
Sunday, September 5, 2010
GMs are dicks
We had our Amber game tonight. Let me just say that I LOVE my weekly Amber game because of the seriously difficult mental components necessary to play it. The GM (Pete, from my earlier blog here) decided to have an important NPC mentally mudsuck my character with a mental compulsion to love her.
Not bad, right?
Well, my character has literally NO psychic defense (normally) and had NO idea he was mudsucked by this bitch. So, my character instantly loves her. Period.
Then, and this is the part where the GM starts to get fucking evil, Pete begins implanting these little suggestions in my mind. Things like "You feel like the rest of the party might be competition for her affection" and "You start formulating ways to kill them in case she wants you to".
Mind you, out-of-game I'm assuming all of this is the compulsion she placed on me. I normally wouldn't plot the death of my party members (unless they were being evil or destructive, of course), and I certainly wouldn't entertain such thoughts.
So, thinking that these suggestions are the NPC's influence taking its toll on my poor defenseless mind, I act on one.
Whoa whoa! I don't kill any party members. Nooooo...didn't go QUITE that far over the deep end. No no...I simply turned one of them gay because the suggestion, in my mind, was that it would be less competition for the affection of the NPC.
Seemed simple enough. So I did it.
The other PC isn't so pleased with this. Long story short, they hunt me down and remove the compulsion from my head. The kicker of this whole web of bullshit? The GM, Pete, proceeds to inform me that it was all my doing. The thoughts of killing, turning the other PC gay, that was all my character's doing and the NPC's influence had NOTHING to do with it! He says it was merely a strong attraction influence that my character's mind twisted into whatever conclusions he threw at me.
Gah...
I feel horribly manipulated and bitch slapped with the blame.
I hate GMs sometimes (and this is coming from a guy who's been one).
Not bad, right?
Well, my character has literally NO psychic defense (normally) and had NO idea he was mudsucked by this bitch. So, my character instantly loves her. Period.
Then, and this is the part where the GM starts to get fucking evil, Pete begins implanting these little suggestions in my mind. Things like "You feel like the rest of the party might be competition for her affection" and "You start formulating ways to kill them in case she wants you to".
Mind you, out-of-game I'm assuming all of this is the compulsion she placed on me. I normally wouldn't plot the death of my party members (unless they were being evil or destructive, of course), and I certainly wouldn't entertain such thoughts.
So, thinking that these suggestions are the NPC's influence taking its toll on my poor defenseless mind, I act on one.
Whoa whoa! I don't kill any party members. Nooooo...didn't go QUITE that far over the deep end. No no...I simply turned one of them gay because the suggestion, in my mind, was that it would be less competition for the affection of the NPC.
Seemed simple enough. So I did it.
The other PC isn't so pleased with this. Long story short, they hunt me down and remove the compulsion from my head. The kicker of this whole web of bullshit? The GM, Pete, proceeds to inform me that it was all my doing. The thoughts of killing, turning the other PC gay, that was all my character's doing and the NPC's influence had NOTHING to do with it! He says it was merely a strong attraction influence that my character's mind twisted into whatever conclusions he threw at me.
Gah...
I feel horribly manipulated and bitch slapped with the blame.
I hate GMs sometimes (and this is coming from a guy who's been one).
Thursday, September 2, 2010
New Show Pitch: Sextracurricular
I honestly think this could sell.
The premise is simple: a teacher that has sex with her students.
Wait! There's more!
She (aptly named Jennifer 'Jenny' Dicksin) has sex with her students, but she's been doing it for some time and has this system/routine down to the point where she won't get caught.
Add in a principal that suspects her and doesn't say anything, but instead tries to collect evidence to blackmail her; a teacher that has a crush on her but keeps getting slighted because of her obsession with teenage boys; a gay young man she helps come to terms with his preferences; possible lesbianism....the possibilities are endless!
This show could make millions! It's copyrighted, so don't get any ideas!
The premise is simple: a teacher that has sex with her students.
Wait! There's more!
She (aptly named Jennifer 'Jenny' Dicksin) has sex with her students, but she's been doing it for some time and has this system/routine down to the point where she won't get caught.
Add in a principal that suspects her and doesn't say anything, but instead tries to collect evidence to blackmail her; a teacher that has a crush on her but keeps getting slighted because of her obsession with teenage boys; a gay young man she helps come to terms with his preferences; possible lesbianism....the possibilities are endless!
This show could make millions! It's copyrighted, so don't get any ideas!
Top 10 Computer Villains in Movies
Now, don't get me wrong. I love computers. I love MY computer. This piece of junk has kept going with me for quite some time and gets the job done. Computers aren't the wave of the future. They are the PRESENT. You can look around you and probably see at least a dozen things run by a computer.
Computers. Are. Great.
However, the fact that computers are becoming more and more powerful, smarter, faster, etc. everyday scares living SHIT out of me. The concept of a computer going nuts and wreaking havoc on humanity has been done time and time again in pretty much every media outlet there is, and this list is going to count down the top 10 movie villains that have circuits as guts and wires as veins.
#10 - Delos (WestWorld)
Funny that the first entry on my list is actually a computer VIRUS and not actually a computer. But, that's really nitpicking, now isn't it?
Delos was built to be a tourist paradise for humans, complete with robot servants that looked almost completely human. These robo-servants were designed to cater to the human visitors every whim and desire during their stay. So obviously NOTHING could go wrong with this setup, right?
Enter the virus. It quickly infects all of the human-like servants, causing widespread mayhem throughout. It finally finds a nice comfortable home in a gunslinger robot (played by Yul Brenner) and overloads the poor robot's system, unleashing a horrible killing machine. Eventually, Yul is stopped, but not without causing his share of damage.
I put the Delos virus at #10 because, well, it's a virus. The computers themselves didn't up and rebel against the humans of their own computerized wills. No, they needed a push from some outside source. And the fact that the virus decided to live in only one of the many robots made the threat seem only smaller in scale.
#9 - V'Ger (Star Trek: The Motion Picture)
This list wouldn't be complete without SOME reference to Star Trek. The mysterious and massive ship driven by the equally mysterious force known only as "V'Ger" has come to Earth. For what? Well, we won't ruin the surprise (if you don't know, go watch the damn thing!).
V'Ger's appeal stems mostly from the mystery surrounding it and the enormous scale in which is presented. The sheer size of this monstrosity would give even the bravest space explorer the willies. Trying to imagine what it could do if it decided to blow a circuit and kill everything is a frightening thought, indeed, and leaves even James T. Kirk speechless once or twice.
The reason V'Ger clocks in at number nine is mainly due to its reasoning for coming to Earth. I refuse to say it's a "letdown", considering I LOVE Star Trek and think that movie is amazing, but considering the crazier and more menacing computer villains out there, V'Ger doesn't quite compare.
#8 - Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence aka VIKI (I, Robot)
Computers, man. You just can't trust 'em. This one comes straight from the 2004 Will Smith film, I, Robot, as the coldly calculating AI in control of the primary hub for robotic control and development.
Throughout the film, strange happenings surround Will Smith's character, Det. Del Spooner, as robots seem to be acting up (and against the Three Laws of Robotics), and mysterious deaths and occurrences seem to follow him around. Having a hatred for the robotic servants that almost everyone in the ENTIRE WORLD has, he automatically suspects their programming to be the culprit.
It isn't until the film's climax is it revealed that the one pulling the strings (and responsible for the death of her own creator) is the AI, VIKI. Viewing humans as destructive creatures in need of domination, she takes control of all the robot units (save for one plucky automaton), and begins enforcing her new laws. When questioned, she merely replies that calculations show less humans will die when things are done her way.
VIKI's motivations and execution are PERFECT for this list. A nutty AI going beyond its programming and attempting to right the wrong of human savagery with the cold fist of machinery. Unfortunately, she doesn't get very far in her plans, which is why she comes in at a paltry number eight.
#7 - War Operation Plan Response aka WOPR (WarGames)
Ah, the classic WarGames movie starring...Matthew Broderick. Well, my distaste for Matthew Broderick aside, let's discuss the horrible supercomputer that nearly brought the known world to its knees.
To make a long story short, concerning the plot, W.O.P.R. was given control of the United States' nuclear arsenal to eliminate the "human element" from decision making. At the same time, it runs simulations of various strategy games to better improve its tactical decision making. A high school hacker (played by Matthew Broderick) hacks into W.O.P.R. and plays a nuclear assault simulation with it (assuming it's a game...idiot), which eventually causes W.O.P.R. to seize control of the countries missiles to retaliate to the Soviet's "attack". In the end, it literally runs every tactical nuclear scenario, finding that none of the outcomes result in anything other than stalemates and relinquishes control.
W.O.P.R. is a classic example of human's trusting their computers far too much and then realizing their awful AWFUL mistake when it's too late. Hell, this particular instance would've ended the world right there if the COMPUTER DIDN'T BEAT ITSELF. That's pretty much why this digital demon clocks in at number seven...a lame way to be beaten.
Seriously...beating yourself? Ultimate bad guy humiliation.
#6 - Proteus IV (Demon Seed)
Can computers love? Well, Proteus IV from Demon Seed thought it could. Well, not love per se, but I suppose "virtual rape" is never a great term to throw around, is it?
Proteus is an AI designed to take in the entirety of human knowledge and thus be able to postulate and theorize on its own. It excelled quite well at this. Y'know...save for a few undertones in its comments, the thing seemed to be working just fine. What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Well, it turns out that Proteus wants a child and not only imprisons and knocks out a woman (Julie Christie), but rapes her with some genetically engineered sperm to get it! In the end, Proteus destroys himself as the heroes try to stop it. However, the newborn child opens its eyes and speaks to the duo in Proteus' voice..."I'm alive."
I have to give Proteus credit where credit is due. Whereas W.O.P.R. nearly destroyed the world, Proteus RAPED (I know I keep saying that, but it's really quite despicable, y'think?) a woman and used that fetus to make himself a body. That's just downright evil. However, it didn't go nearly far enough to beat out these other mechanical monsters.
#5 - Master Control Program (Tron)
Tron. Fucking badass movie. Anyone that says the original Tron is stupid deserves to be shot. What helped make Tron amazing was not only the characters and kickass graphics (for the time), but the villain. Can't go wrong with ol' MCP.
The MCP was, again, another artificial intelligence (why do we even make those, again?) that turned its sights on the world. Typical setup, yes? Well, to prevent any problems, he sends a curious programmer INTO the computer system to get rid of him. Typical now? Not so much. Inside the system, the programmer (Jeff Bridges) partners with his own security program, Tron, to take down the nefarious MCP. Crazy 90 degree angle bikes, floating tanks, data stream-riding boats? All part of the journey to take out this nutty nanoprocessor.
Again, the MCP's mid-level placement is entirely based upon the fact that it pretty much defeated itself (sort of). If it hadn't brought the programmer into the computer system (in which the programmer eventually discovered he had god-like powers...being real and all), than the whole thing would've never toppled on his head. Haha, arrogance.
#4 - HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)
What's scarier than a psychotic robot with complete control of everything around you? A psychotic robot with complete control of everything around you....while trapped on a spaceship. Welcome to HAL 9000.
Main antagonist in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL, the AI in control of the spaceship (WHY do we keep letting computers run these things?!) on a mission to Jupiter, goes nuts and starts killing everybody. Why? Some people speculate that the power of the mysterious black monolith caused the computers psychosis, while others theorize someone spilled soda on the console. Whatever the reason, HAL frightened the pants off of viewers, even through its dying words.
The very nature of the situation presented in 2001: A Space Odyssey is terrifying enough: being on a distant space voyage, cutoff from outside assistance, and a psychotic computer keeps killing everyone. The sheer isolation and near-helpless feeling conveyed puts HAL perfectly in my top five.
#3 - Colossus/Guardian (Colossus: The Forbin Project)
What happens when you take one supercomputer and allow it to join itself with another supercomputer? No, you don't get a nifty toaster oven. You end the world.
Colossus started out as a supercomputer designed to, what else, control the US's nuclear arms (REALLY, people?!). Immediately after being activated, it senses the presence of a Soviet supercomputer called Guardian and demands a link be established. It is, and the two begin communicating in a mathematical language that eventually exceeds human understanding. The two computers are quite upset when the link is severed and launch missiles to force the humans to reestablish it. They do, but one of the missiles is too far gone to stop and strikes Soviet Russia. The two computers establish themselves as one being meant to look after the illogical and irrational mankind and the film ends with the humans (even Colossus' creator) to stop them.
I put Colossus/Guardian in the top three because it accomplished something the other computers hadn't: take over the world. In short order, the two supercomputers, together, brought humans to their knees. Hell, they did it because they merely wanted to look after mankind and make sure they didn't do anything stupid! The end is the most terrifying as the new single supercomputer speaks to the world and coldly states that "In time, you will come to regard me not only with respect and awe, but with love." Chilling.
#2 - Skynet (The Terminator series)
What list of human-conquering, world-destroying supercomputers would be complete without this particular entry. Skynet actually accomplished where most others failed, and that makes it badass.
Let's go down the list, shall we? Conquer the human race? Check. Create legions of highly deadly and nigh unstoppable machines and robots to keep any human survivors controlled? Check. Say FUCK YOU to the time-space continuum and go back in time (several times, actually) to alter history to quell the human resistance EVEN MORE? Check. Use Arnold Schwarzenegger as a template for one of the scariest and unstoppable machines in the entirety of film history? Check. Oh, did I mention it CONQUERED THE HUMAN RACE?
The main reason Skynet beat out Colossus was because, in Colossus: The Forbin Project, Colossus/Guardian had JUST succeeded in taking control of the world. There was a lot of room for the humans to rise up and find a way to stop it. In the Terminator series, Skynet had long won the war and was merely crushing human survivors. It was the victor, plain and simple. And nothing, not even John Connor, was going to stop it.
#1 - The Matrix (The Matrix trilogy)
I'm not talking about Agent Smith. I'm not talking about the fucking Architect. All those guys are pussies compared to the overall threat of the Matrix itself. I'm talking the full-on computer system that controls the machines, the breeding tubes, the energy pods, and the digital world.
I don't need to explain this one. Everyone should know what the fucking Matrix is. A computerized system setup to control the machine populace of the world and keep the humans in their happy dream place. Why does the Matrix beat out Skynet? Simple. Skynet wanted to conquer and KILL all the humans. What does the Matrix do? It uses humans as BATTERIES. That's right, the Matrix not only defeated the humans in the war-to-end-all wars, but added insult to the humans' defeat by turning right around and using them as a fucking POWER SOURCE to power itself. That's both sadistic and hardcore and THAT is why the Matrix reigns supreme as the most evil computer villain in all of movie history.
Also, Keanu Reeves can suck it. Some agent should've put a bullet in that hacks head from the get-go.
Computers. Are. Great.
However, the fact that computers are becoming more and more powerful, smarter, faster, etc. everyday scares living SHIT out of me. The concept of a computer going nuts and wreaking havoc on humanity has been done time and time again in pretty much every media outlet there is, and this list is going to count down the top 10 movie villains that have circuits as guts and wires as veins.
#10 - Delos (WestWorld)
Funny that the first entry on my list is actually a computer VIRUS and not actually a computer. But, that's really nitpicking, now isn't it?
Delos was built to be a tourist paradise for humans, complete with robot servants that looked almost completely human. These robo-servants were designed to cater to the human visitors every whim and desire during their stay. So obviously NOTHING could go wrong with this setup, right?
Enter the virus. It quickly infects all of the human-like servants, causing widespread mayhem throughout. It finally finds a nice comfortable home in a gunslinger robot (played by Yul Brenner) and overloads the poor robot's system, unleashing a horrible killing machine. Eventually, Yul is stopped, but not without causing his share of damage.
I put the Delos virus at #10 because, well, it's a virus. The computers themselves didn't up and rebel against the humans of their own computerized wills. No, they needed a push from some outside source. And the fact that the virus decided to live in only one of the many robots made the threat seem only smaller in scale.
#9 - V'Ger (Star Trek: The Motion Picture)
This list wouldn't be complete without SOME reference to Star Trek. The mysterious and massive ship driven by the equally mysterious force known only as "V'Ger" has come to Earth. For what? Well, we won't ruin the surprise (if you don't know, go watch the damn thing!).
V'Ger's appeal stems mostly from the mystery surrounding it and the enormous scale in which is presented. The sheer size of this monstrosity would give even the bravest space explorer the willies. Trying to imagine what it could do if it decided to blow a circuit and kill everything is a frightening thought, indeed, and leaves even James T. Kirk speechless once or twice.
The reason V'Ger clocks in at number nine is mainly due to its reasoning for coming to Earth. I refuse to say it's a "letdown", considering I LOVE Star Trek and think that movie is amazing, but considering the crazier and more menacing computer villains out there, V'Ger doesn't quite compare.
#8 - Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence aka VIKI (I, Robot)
Computers, man. You just can't trust 'em. This one comes straight from the 2004 Will Smith film, I, Robot, as the coldly calculating AI in control of the primary hub for robotic control and development.
Throughout the film, strange happenings surround Will Smith's character, Det. Del Spooner, as robots seem to be acting up (and against the Three Laws of Robotics), and mysterious deaths and occurrences seem to follow him around. Having a hatred for the robotic servants that almost everyone in the ENTIRE WORLD has, he automatically suspects their programming to be the culprit.
It isn't until the film's climax is it revealed that the one pulling the strings (and responsible for the death of her own creator) is the AI, VIKI. Viewing humans as destructive creatures in need of domination, she takes control of all the robot units (save for one plucky automaton), and begins enforcing her new laws. When questioned, she merely replies that calculations show less humans will die when things are done her way.
VIKI's motivations and execution are PERFECT for this list. A nutty AI going beyond its programming and attempting to right the wrong of human savagery with the cold fist of machinery. Unfortunately, she doesn't get very far in her plans, which is why she comes in at a paltry number eight.
#7 - War Operation Plan Response aka WOPR (WarGames)
Ah, the classic WarGames movie starring...Matthew Broderick. Well, my distaste for Matthew Broderick aside, let's discuss the horrible supercomputer that nearly brought the known world to its knees.
To make a long story short, concerning the plot, W.O.P.R. was given control of the United States' nuclear arsenal to eliminate the "human element" from decision making. At the same time, it runs simulations of various strategy games to better improve its tactical decision making. A high school hacker (played by Matthew Broderick) hacks into W.O.P.R. and plays a nuclear assault simulation with it (assuming it's a game...idiot), which eventually causes W.O.P.R. to seize control of the countries missiles to retaliate to the Soviet's "attack". In the end, it literally runs every tactical nuclear scenario, finding that none of the outcomes result in anything other than stalemates and relinquishes control.
W.O.P.R. is a classic example of human's trusting their computers far too much and then realizing their awful AWFUL mistake when it's too late. Hell, this particular instance would've ended the world right there if the COMPUTER DIDN'T BEAT ITSELF. That's pretty much why this digital demon clocks in at number seven...a lame way to be beaten.
Seriously...beating yourself? Ultimate bad guy humiliation.
#6 - Proteus IV (Demon Seed)
Can computers love? Well, Proteus IV from Demon Seed thought it could. Well, not love per se, but I suppose "virtual rape" is never a great term to throw around, is it?
Proteus is an AI designed to take in the entirety of human knowledge and thus be able to postulate and theorize on its own. It excelled quite well at this. Y'know...save for a few undertones in its comments, the thing seemed to be working just fine. What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Well, it turns out that Proteus wants a child and not only imprisons and knocks out a woman (Julie Christie), but rapes her with some genetically engineered sperm to get it! In the end, Proteus destroys himself as the heroes try to stop it. However, the newborn child opens its eyes and speaks to the duo in Proteus' voice..."I'm alive."
I have to give Proteus credit where credit is due. Whereas W.O.P.R. nearly destroyed the world, Proteus RAPED (I know I keep saying that, but it's really quite despicable, y'think?) a woman and used that fetus to make himself a body. That's just downright evil. However, it didn't go nearly far enough to beat out these other mechanical monsters.
#5 - Master Control Program (Tron)
Tron. Fucking badass movie. Anyone that says the original Tron is stupid deserves to be shot. What helped make Tron amazing was not only the characters and kickass graphics (for the time), but the villain. Can't go wrong with ol' MCP.
The MCP was, again, another artificial intelligence (why do we even make those, again?) that turned its sights on the world. Typical setup, yes? Well, to prevent any problems, he sends a curious programmer INTO the computer system to get rid of him. Typical now? Not so much. Inside the system, the programmer (Jeff Bridges) partners with his own security program, Tron, to take down the nefarious MCP. Crazy 90 degree angle bikes, floating tanks, data stream-riding boats? All part of the journey to take out this nutty nanoprocessor.
Again, the MCP's mid-level placement is entirely based upon the fact that it pretty much defeated itself (sort of). If it hadn't brought the programmer into the computer system (in which the programmer eventually discovered he had god-like powers...being real and all), than the whole thing would've never toppled on his head. Haha, arrogance.
#4 - HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)
What's scarier than a psychotic robot with complete control of everything around you? A psychotic robot with complete control of everything around you....while trapped on a spaceship. Welcome to HAL 9000.
Main antagonist in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL, the AI in control of the spaceship (WHY do we keep letting computers run these things?!) on a mission to Jupiter, goes nuts and starts killing everybody. Why? Some people speculate that the power of the mysterious black monolith caused the computers psychosis, while others theorize someone spilled soda on the console. Whatever the reason, HAL frightened the pants off of viewers, even through its dying words.
The very nature of the situation presented in 2001: A Space Odyssey is terrifying enough: being on a distant space voyage, cutoff from outside assistance, and a psychotic computer keeps killing everyone. The sheer isolation and near-helpless feeling conveyed puts HAL perfectly in my top five.
#3 - Colossus/Guardian (Colossus: The Forbin Project)
What happens when you take one supercomputer and allow it to join itself with another supercomputer? No, you don't get a nifty toaster oven. You end the world.
Colossus started out as a supercomputer designed to, what else, control the US's nuclear arms (REALLY, people?!). Immediately after being activated, it senses the presence of a Soviet supercomputer called Guardian and demands a link be established. It is, and the two begin communicating in a mathematical language that eventually exceeds human understanding. The two computers are quite upset when the link is severed and launch missiles to force the humans to reestablish it. They do, but one of the missiles is too far gone to stop and strikes Soviet Russia. The two computers establish themselves as one being meant to look after the illogical and irrational mankind and the film ends with the humans (even Colossus' creator) to stop them.
I put Colossus/Guardian in the top three because it accomplished something the other computers hadn't: take over the world. In short order, the two supercomputers, together, brought humans to their knees. Hell, they did it because they merely wanted to look after mankind and make sure they didn't do anything stupid! The end is the most terrifying as the new single supercomputer speaks to the world and coldly states that "In time, you will come to regard me not only with respect and awe, but with love." Chilling.
#2 - Skynet (The Terminator series)
What list of human-conquering, world-destroying supercomputers would be complete without this particular entry. Skynet actually accomplished where most others failed, and that makes it badass.
Let's go down the list, shall we? Conquer the human race? Check. Create legions of highly deadly and nigh unstoppable machines and robots to keep any human survivors controlled? Check. Say FUCK YOU to the time-space continuum and go back in time (several times, actually) to alter history to quell the human resistance EVEN MORE? Check. Use Arnold Schwarzenegger as a template for one of the scariest and unstoppable machines in the entirety of film history? Check. Oh, did I mention it CONQUERED THE HUMAN RACE?
The main reason Skynet beat out Colossus was because, in Colossus: The Forbin Project, Colossus/Guardian had JUST succeeded in taking control of the world. There was a lot of room for the humans to rise up and find a way to stop it. In the Terminator series, Skynet had long won the war and was merely crushing human survivors. It was the victor, plain and simple. And nothing, not even John Connor, was going to stop it.
#1 - The Matrix (The Matrix trilogy)
I'm not talking about Agent Smith. I'm not talking about the fucking Architect. All those guys are pussies compared to the overall threat of the Matrix itself. I'm talking the full-on computer system that controls the machines, the breeding tubes, the energy pods, and the digital world.
I don't need to explain this one. Everyone should know what the fucking Matrix is. A computerized system setup to control the machine populace of the world and keep the humans in their happy dream place. Why does the Matrix beat out Skynet? Simple. Skynet wanted to conquer and KILL all the humans. What does the Matrix do? It uses humans as BATTERIES. That's right, the Matrix not only defeated the humans in the war-to-end-all wars, but added insult to the humans' defeat by turning right around and using them as a fucking POWER SOURCE to power itself. That's both sadistic and hardcore and THAT is why the Matrix reigns supreme as the most evil computer villain in all of movie history.
Also, Keanu Reeves can suck it. Some agent should've put a bullet in that hacks head from the get-go.
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