While doing the thing normal bored people do, Googling myself, I came across an old page that was thought to be lost. Behold, my old Rocky Horror Picture Show cast member profile page!
Fishnet Inc. Cast Profile: Jason
The rantings of a gamer/writer/actor/slacker kinda guy who merely is looking for the purpose in life through these mediums.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Why Nobody Can (re: should) Take Game Stores Seriously
My friend Dan, who can be a pretty funny guy when he doesn't have his head up his ass, posted this. I thought I'd share.
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Game stores are weird places as an outsider. You develop preconceived notions about what "gamers" are like, and in turn try to shy away or enter only with those stereotypes. Or, at least, I thought they were stereotypes. However, when I started to step back and try to just observe things, I noticed just how pathetic gamers are--myself included--when you get us in to "our stores." Don't believe me? Let's break down the many major flavors of gamer. No subgroups, all generalizations. It's for science, people. ....Well, if "science" suddenly means "making fun of ourselves."
Miniatures Gamers
For many, these are the first guys you notice in a store because they--and their shit--are freaking everywhere. They take up massive amounts of table (and sometimes floor) space, they converse and play loudly, and half the time they're pulling so many miniatures out of their massive "army carriers" (They're purses, guys. Purses.) that all you can think is "Well, no wonder he drives a shitty car. He's spent more money on plastic than the entire Las Vegas stripper industry." Well, Ok, a lot of the "good" miniatures are metal, but I stick with my previous joke. Once their mini fridge-sized bags have been emptied and left on otherwise perfectly good tables, they get down to actual game play. Long, arduous, argument-filled game play where they seem to take nearly an hour to resolve a battle that would actually take about three minutes in real, flowing combat. It's as if they've never heard of, oh, say, Heroes of Might and Magic, which does all the calculation for them. It's almost as bad as D&D, but we'll get to that later. The strangest part of this behavior is they seem to want to take up as much space and time as they can without being astrophysicists. Somehow to them, the more freaking space they take up and the longer they hold down a table, the more prestigious they feel. As such, they will always be there, lurking in the....well...wherever they can put their crap.
Yu-Gi-Oh Players
Because Pokemon kids apparently grow up--but only slightly--the Yu-Gi-Oh craze spreads like wildfire. I'll admit I have no problem with the game itself. It actually seems fascinating mechanically. However, the goddamn players make me want to remove all things Yu-Go-To-Hell from the face of the planet. I thought it was just the players at my shop, but no, apparently all over it's the same behavior Come in large groups; buy little to nothing new; seat way too many people at a table, even blocking aisles; scream and yell like every card played is either a gunshot to the nuts or the greatest triumph of Man. Oh, and don't get me started on the hygiene. Apparently they're so busy looking like they're headed to a rave afterward (or a Justin Bieber look-alike contest) that they forget to shower. It goes beyond swamp ass, my friends. If they smell like a Red Lobster and you're not in a seafood joint, it's sort of a clue they are not fans of soap. Still, even with their loud, rude, and stinky behavior, you will always see them in a game store. Why? Because game stores are there to make money, and on the fateful days when new cards come out, these kids spend their parents' money like sailors on shore leave in Thailand. Complain about them all you want, but so long as they keep making large purchases (after lulls of no purchases at all), they will never be driven off. Capitalism assures that.
Magic: The Gathering Players ("My people.")
While many of us would like to think we're "the upper echelon of card games players," we're really no better than the Yu-Gi-Oh kids. Sad but true. Sure, many of us are far more courteous and clean-smelling, but we're no less space-consuming and annoying to the people around us. The fun part is that many of our "little" cabal don't even seem to register how much we annoy other people, Magic players or non-Magic players alike. We just seem to go about our business, babbling on about cards and tactics (and "RTFC" moments), hoping to get in a "good" game or two, but gauging our interpretations of "good" and "bad" not based on how much fun we had but rather on whether we won or lost. Well, some of us. I'm more of a "have fun" guy, but all around me people seem to be driven solely to win. This drive spreads like a plague until suddenly it seems to be all we think about, scouring through boxes upon boxes of cards, bugging people for their trade binders, checking web sites fervently, chomping at the bit to get in as many games as possible in hopes that "this deck" is the one that brings ultimate victory. Not fun. Victory. And as such, when we're so focused on winning, we all really just become a large collection of losers. In many ways.
Tabletop Roleplayers
"Tabletop," "PnP," "old-fashioned," call it what you will. I'm talking the D&D players; the Amber players; the Whatthefuckever players. Sure, I've played many of these games, but frankly they will always look bad in game shops. Why? Because of the players in game shops. Either you have the guys who get waaaay to in to their game, becoming oblivious to the world around them until they "are interrupted" and become belligerent, or you get the guys who want to turn a roleplaying game in to a miniatures game and just don't admit it. I've witnessed both. There's the parties so focused on their stories they become oblivious to everyone around them until something nearly pulls them away from their game, at which point they become cranky as all hell. In the other corner, there's the guys with so many books, charts, and reference sheets strewn about that you'd think it was a product demo and not an actual game session. You know "those guys." The ones who jump from combat encounter to combat encounter, taking hours to drop a guy in "twenty seconds," and call nearly every game "best session ever." All the while, both of these varieties should nearly be pitied because "it's so loud in here"...although they're usually the ones yelling, making everyone else yell over them in some sort of decibel arms race. Still, they come night after night, play their games, and wind up having the most fun out of everyone. Why? Because they realize no matter how they play it they're still just playing a game.
Board-Gamers
Despite the fact that game shops still sell the games they play and enjoy, this is actually a rare breed around here except on rare occasions. Perhaps it's because they need a smaller number of people to play their games and thus take up less space. Perhaps they go to stores at different times from the other gamers. Who knows? Still, this small caste of gamer seems to make appearances on my radar very rarely. So rarely, in fact, that I have little to work with about them, unless we group them in with the fair-weather...
Late-Nighters
Yeah, you've seen these guys. The ones who seem to only make appearances when stores are either open until the wee hours of the morning or holding special all-night events. Nobody really knows why they come. Maybe they work late jobs. Maybe their parents/roommates/spouses just want them to shut up so they can sleep. Still they come in with their friends and home-brought games in tow, waltzing right in like regulars while nobody (sometimes even the store staff) has any clue who the hell they are. Still, they're nice enough if you can get past the clique-based behavior. They are more than happy to keep to themselves if they are not approached, and sometimes they even bring their own food and drinks, pissing off the merchants while also making the bold statement "Yeah, I'm gonna be here a while." Still, the nagging thought remains in your head of "Who are these guys?" while they swear up and down that they "come in here all the time." Sure. Sure you do. Weirdos. Ummm...welcome?
Video Gamers
It's pretty uncommon for a traditional game shop to have a place to play video and computer games, but as "my" shop does, I cannot help but view the cyber cafe as an entirely different planet. On this planet, its denizens keep to the shadows, avoiding any source of light other than the glows of their screens as if it would instantly kill them. They stew in their own butt sweat, stinking up the place as they sit for hours on end contracting the ever-fatal Onemorelevelitis, or the even more detrimental Onemoreroundiswear Syndrome. Both of these diseases seem to stem from a pre-existing condition we can observe all too well, however: stupidity. After all, when these beings spend 4 to 5 days on the surface of their world and spend anywhere from $5 to $10 per day to do as such, one cannot help but wonder why they do not just keep the estimated $1,000 to $2,500 a year and buy themselves nice computers/consoles & TVs as well as the games to play on them, and then stay at home and save their money. Truly an odd group of beings.
"The Penultimate Gamer"
Every game shop has at least one guy like this, and if you can't spot him, chances are you are him. Still, you know this guy when you see him. He's the one who always comes in bragging that he "plays everything" and boasts about heightened skill in almost every form of game you can think of, but yet when you play with him (or even watch him play) it becomes quickly apparent that he's full of shit. His skills are usually so mediocre you wonder if he's even played the game before, and you find yourself very quickly excusing yourself so you can go laugh at him elsewhere rather than hurting his feelings by doing so in his face. He is by all means the ultimate joke of the store, and he doesn't even know it. In fact, he is so delusional that he never will. Still, it's good to see the Jack of All Trades alive and well, because at least you know you'll always have someone to play with....and beat.
So yeah, these are the groups I observe at their most general interpretations. When you sit back and read this--and then think about it for yourselves--I'm sure a lot of this is what you've seen before. If not, chances are now you'll start seeing it because you are aware. Either way, I only hope you can laugh as much as I can, because honestly they're just games.
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Game stores are weird places as an outsider. You develop preconceived notions about what "gamers" are like, and in turn try to shy away or enter only with those stereotypes. Or, at least, I thought they were stereotypes. However, when I started to step back and try to just observe things, I noticed just how pathetic gamers are--myself included--when you get us in to "our stores." Don't believe me? Let's break down the many major flavors of gamer. No subgroups, all generalizations. It's for science, people. ....Well, if "science" suddenly means "making fun of ourselves."
Miniatures Gamers
For many, these are the first guys you notice in a store because they--and their shit--are freaking everywhere. They take up massive amounts of table (and sometimes floor) space, they converse and play loudly, and half the time they're pulling so many miniatures out of their massive "army carriers" (They're purses, guys. Purses.) that all you can think is "Well, no wonder he drives a shitty car. He's spent more money on plastic than the entire Las Vegas stripper industry." Well, Ok, a lot of the "good" miniatures are metal, but I stick with my previous joke. Once their mini fridge-sized bags have been emptied and left on otherwise perfectly good tables, they get down to actual game play. Long, arduous, argument-filled game play where they seem to take nearly an hour to resolve a battle that would actually take about three minutes in real, flowing combat. It's as if they've never heard of, oh, say, Heroes of Might and Magic, which does all the calculation for them. It's almost as bad as D&D, but we'll get to that later. The strangest part of this behavior is they seem to want to take up as much space and time as they can without being astrophysicists. Somehow to them, the more freaking space they take up and the longer they hold down a table, the more prestigious they feel. As such, they will always be there, lurking in the....well...wherever they can put their crap.
Yu-Gi-Oh Players
Because Pokemon kids apparently grow up--but only slightly--the Yu-Gi-Oh craze spreads like wildfire. I'll admit I have no problem with the game itself. It actually seems fascinating mechanically. However, the goddamn players make me want to remove all things Yu-Go-To-Hell from the face of the planet. I thought it was just the players at my shop, but no, apparently all over it's the same behavior Come in large groups; buy little to nothing new; seat way too many people at a table, even blocking aisles; scream and yell like every card played is either a gunshot to the nuts or the greatest triumph of Man. Oh, and don't get me started on the hygiene. Apparently they're so busy looking like they're headed to a rave afterward (or a Justin Bieber look-alike contest) that they forget to shower. It goes beyond swamp ass, my friends. If they smell like a Red Lobster and you're not in a seafood joint, it's sort of a clue they are not fans of soap. Still, even with their loud, rude, and stinky behavior, you will always see them in a game store. Why? Because game stores are there to make money, and on the fateful days when new cards come out, these kids spend their parents' money like sailors on shore leave in Thailand. Complain about them all you want, but so long as they keep making large purchases (after lulls of no purchases at all), they will never be driven off. Capitalism assures that.
Magic: The Gathering Players ("My people.")
While many of us would like to think we're "the upper echelon of card games players," we're really no better than the Yu-Gi-Oh kids. Sad but true. Sure, many of us are far more courteous and clean-smelling, but we're no less space-consuming and annoying to the people around us. The fun part is that many of our "little" cabal don't even seem to register how much we annoy other people, Magic players or non-Magic players alike. We just seem to go about our business, babbling on about cards and tactics (and "RTFC" moments), hoping to get in a "good" game or two, but gauging our interpretations of "good" and "bad" not based on how much fun we had but rather on whether we won or lost. Well, some of us. I'm more of a "have fun" guy, but all around me people seem to be driven solely to win. This drive spreads like a plague until suddenly it seems to be all we think about, scouring through boxes upon boxes of cards, bugging people for their trade binders, checking web sites fervently, chomping at the bit to get in as many games as possible in hopes that "this deck" is the one that brings ultimate victory. Not fun. Victory. And as such, when we're so focused on winning, we all really just become a large collection of losers. In many ways.
Tabletop Roleplayers
"Tabletop," "PnP," "old-fashioned," call it what you will. I'm talking the D&D players; the Amber players; the Whatthefuckever players. Sure, I've played many of these games, but frankly they will always look bad in game shops. Why? Because of the players in game shops. Either you have the guys who get waaaay to in to their game, becoming oblivious to the world around them until they "are interrupted" and become belligerent, or you get the guys who want to turn a roleplaying game in to a miniatures game and just don't admit it. I've witnessed both. There's the parties so focused on their stories they become oblivious to everyone around them until something nearly pulls them away from their game, at which point they become cranky as all hell. In the other corner, there's the guys with so many books, charts, and reference sheets strewn about that you'd think it was a product demo and not an actual game session. You know "those guys." The ones who jump from combat encounter to combat encounter, taking hours to drop a guy in "twenty seconds," and call nearly every game "best session ever." All the while, both of these varieties should nearly be pitied because "it's so loud in here"...although they're usually the ones yelling, making everyone else yell over them in some sort of decibel arms race. Still, they come night after night, play their games, and wind up having the most fun out of everyone. Why? Because they realize no matter how they play it they're still just playing a game.
Board-Gamers
Despite the fact that game shops still sell the games they play and enjoy, this is actually a rare breed around here except on rare occasions. Perhaps it's because they need a smaller number of people to play their games and thus take up less space. Perhaps they go to stores at different times from the other gamers. Who knows? Still, this small caste of gamer seems to make appearances on my radar very rarely. So rarely, in fact, that I have little to work with about them, unless we group them in with the fair-weather...
Late-Nighters
Yeah, you've seen these guys. The ones who seem to only make appearances when stores are either open until the wee hours of the morning or holding special all-night events. Nobody really knows why they come. Maybe they work late jobs. Maybe their parents/roommates/spouses just want them to shut up so they can sleep. Still they come in with their friends and home-brought games in tow, waltzing right in like regulars while nobody (sometimes even the store staff) has any clue who the hell they are. Still, they're nice enough if you can get past the clique-based behavior. They are more than happy to keep to themselves if they are not approached, and sometimes they even bring their own food and drinks, pissing off the merchants while also making the bold statement "Yeah, I'm gonna be here a while." Still, the nagging thought remains in your head of "Who are these guys?" while they swear up and down that they "come in here all the time." Sure. Sure you do. Weirdos. Ummm...welcome?
Video Gamers
It's pretty uncommon for a traditional game shop to have a place to play video and computer games, but as "my" shop does, I cannot help but view the cyber cafe as an entirely different planet. On this planet, its denizens keep to the shadows, avoiding any source of light other than the glows of their screens as if it would instantly kill them. They stew in their own butt sweat, stinking up the place as they sit for hours on end contracting the ever-fatal Onemorelevelitis, or the even more detrimental Onemoreroundiswear Syndrome. Both of these diseases seem to stem from a pre-existing condition we can observe all too well, however: stupidity. After all, when these beings spend 4 to 5 days on the surface of their world and spend anywhere from $5 to $10 per day to do as such, one cannot help but wonder why they do not just keep the estimated $1,000 to $2,500 a year and buy themselves nice computers/consoles & TVs as well as the games to play on them, and then stay at home and save their money. Truly an odd group of beings.
"The Penultimate Gamer"
Every game shop has at least one guy like this, and if you can't spot him, chances are you are him. Still, you know this guy when you see him. He's the one who always comes in bragging that he "plays everything" and boasts about heightened skill in almost every form of game you can think of, but yet when you play with him (or even watch him play) it becomes quickly apparent that he's full of shit. His skills are usually so mediocre you wonder if he's even played the game before, and you find yourself very quickly excusing yourself so you can go laugh at him elsewhere rather than hurting his feelings by doing so in his face. He is by all means the ultimate joke of the store, and he doesn't even know it. In fact, he is so delusional that he never will. Still, it's good to see the Jack of All Trades alive and well, because at least you know you'll always have someone to play with....and beat.
So yeah, these are the groups I observe at their most general interpretations. When you sit back and read this--and then think about it for yourselves--I'm sure a lot of this is what you've seen before. If not, chances are now you'll start seeing it because you are aware. Either way, I only hope you can laugh as much as I can, because honestly they're just games.
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