Games that Ruin Friendships: Kane and Lynch 2 (James' Version)

 Hello, faithful readers. The last wordslinger, Jason, here. James only agreed to do Kane and Lynch 2 on the condition that he would get to write his own side of the events that occurred since I "made him look like an asshole" in previous installments of this series.

That being said, this is his side of the story. I won't say anything more to influence your opinion or perception of the matter so that this comparison remains completely and totally 100% to the reader's interpretation.

However, I WOULD like to point out that his article wasn't very funny so I had to clean it up a bit. And there were a lot of words misspelled. And it was just downright boring.

But I fixed it. So don't worry.

(Editor's Note: I'll be sticking these throughout the article in places I think it's necessary to point out my friend's ignorance. They'll usually accompany a correction I've made or something that makes no sense.)

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So there I was back in Tower of Games on Saturday to burn some time before Pete’s Amber session. As usual I decided to do this by getting an all-day pass and getting on one of the 360s that they have there. But then I noticed something; Dumb hipster hat, a pair of eyes that matched that of a excited crack baby playing with his willy for the first time (Editor's Note: What the fuck does this even mean, James?), a goatee that belongs in a museum dedicated to the 90’s, and a stomach that was destined to become a beer belly lined with so much yeast that it would maintain a certain perk to it (Editor's Note: Was this a joke? I'm not even certain anymore if this, or any of the other things being written, are jokes). Yeah, I’m sure you would have guessed it by now: it was Jason.

(Editor's Note: Proper punctuation is critical to maintaining the correct tone for your article, James. Also, you're a fucking idiot.)

Editor's Note: In my defense, this was taken 10 years ago. Fucker.

Jason: JAMES! Come on let’s play a game together so I can put it on my blog! (Editor's Note: James, if you're considering this "writing" thing as a serious hobby, invest in elementary school grammar text books)

Several things went through my head. “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!” was one of them. As well as the fact that the last two times he posted about our co-ops he made me out the be the dumb one and SOILED my good name. Well readers only I may soil myself. (Editor's Note: I'm sure my readers don't doubt this, buddy)

James: Ok, but only if you post my side of the story and you will post yours without reading mine first. Now why not “Kane and Lynch 2” (Editor's Note: This is incorrect. I was the one that chose Kane & Lynch 2. There is no joke here. James is just a liar)

He of course did not agree to play co-op in a game that was made to be a co-op. No, he picked Kane and Lynch 2: Pile of Hairy Dog Shit

OOPS my bad It was called dog DAYS not PILE OF HAIRY dog SHIT.
Easy mistake. (Editor's Note: I didn't correct these sentences because I wanted a clear example of how James doesn't understand how capitalization works)

Let me get what was wrong with the game out of the way first. I’m not going to get into the story as me and Jason just didn’t care. I read the plot on wiki later and found that I saved myself from making heavy sighs. You know it’s sad when you can spot bad writing and plot holes on the wiki. What disappointed me was that Kane never had his trippy moment where he starts to freak out. That was the highlight of the last game but they took it out. (Editor's Note: The fact that James actually referenced the first game and admitted to playing it shows how much more devoted, i.e. stupid, he is than I am)

Don’t worry guys I’ll get to why Jason sucks in a moment let me just blow past the game real quick. AI was uninspired and very buggy. Hit detection only detected when it felt like it. Level design was cramped and a little confusing. No melee or if there was it wasn’t working. Weapons were unrealistic. Taking cover was an ordeal. There was NOTHING in the gameplay I could speak of that was original. Simply put that game that Jason forced me to play had nothing above par. (Editor's Note: I like how James clearly states that it was me that chose Kane & Lynch 2 as the game to play when he earlier says HE was the one that chose it. Caught in our own lie are we, Mr. Marine?)

Now, on to why Jason sucks. I’ve seen 12-year-olds that could out play this guy in shooters. I didn’t mind the rush tactic that he used, sometimes it works because it denies the enemy time to prep. But not when Jason does it. (Editor's Note: This paragraph alone had 13 punctuation errors. Just wanted to point that out)

James: I’ll take the left side and push up.
Jason: Ok. Headshot. Headshot. Headshot.
James: That means you should get the fuck out my way at push up the right side.
Jason: Ok. Headshot. Headshot.
James:That's see here...now we...OW...JASON WHY am I am unprotected from the right. Those where clearly your guys that you blew past. Slow down we aren’t being timed!
Jason: Headshot....Headshot...Pft Keep up I’m getting SO many more kills then you (there is no way to tell this as the game didn’t keep track of stats)...oh by the way I’m 2 seconds away from dieing you should jump into this Chinese gang bang and save me.

(Editor's Note: James said none of the things he claimed to in the above dialogue. Either he was drunk, was remembering playing a different game, or is a liar. I'm still leaning toward the "liar" reason)

The game may have not had any stats to it but I do.

35.2% “Headshot” (72.3% of those were LIES)
20.7% “James, revive me.”
35.1% Shit Talk.

(Editor's Note: This is the point in the article when I'd question how James was able to accurately quantify the things being said. However, I realized that the answer is obvious: he's one of those retards that's only good at math. And by math, I mean coming up with bullshit figures)

After awhile we lost ourselves to cursing at each other. Thankfully, there were no kids there because F-bombs were being dropped like it was Pearl Harbor.

When Alex came in and told us that it was time to play Amber and you know what I thought it was over but no (Editor's Note: This sentence is beyond salvation. Enjoy your stay in grammar hell). He had to go on a monologue about how gay I was. Readers would you please refer to the first image. After awhile I decided it was time to keep my pimp hand strong. (Editor's Note: He didn't actually hit me in the balls, truth be told. He did, girlishly, slap me in the face before prancing off like a heartbroken ballerina trying to make sure her running mascara didn't get on her pretty pink tutu)

Editor's Note: Oh, yeah. Using the same image twice. Fucking hilarious, you master of comedy.

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And there you have it readers. I hope this was an enlightening experience for all of you out there. Now go read something a bit more mentally stimulating before those brain cells you lost reading this garbage of his become permanent.

Games that Ruin Friendships: Kane and Lynch 2

Mother. Fucking. James.

Yeah, that guy.

Those of you that have read my previous entries into this series know that this friend is the bane of my existence when it comes to multiplayer games. Now, I haven't been able to get any new material for this series because our dear James was away for several months doing his duty as a United States Marine. Bless him for doing our country proud.

However, he's back now. So the pain continues.

I will be the bigger man and admit that this round of suffering was my fault. We were at Tower of Games (located in Chesapeake, Virginia) and I suggested that we play another game together for the sake of a new article. He agreed and asked which game we should play.

Sure enough, the game that drew so much of our beloved Yahtzee's ire was available: Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days.

And I'll go on to further admit that I'm not very good at shooters. However, I'd played this game before and found that I wasn't half bad despite the shitty controls and gameplay. I thought I'd give it another go, y'know?

Well, sure enough, this turned out to be a fun experience for all.

We boot up the game and James and I begin the first mission. Almost immediately, the game's terrible controls and camera, coupled with our inability to work together, turned the whole cyber cafe into a torrential storm of screaming obscenities (mostly directed at each other) the likes of which I had not had the pleasure of being apart of.

It went something like this:

James: Jason, what the fuck are you doing? You're charging at the enemy! Take cover!
Jason: Fuck you man! This is a bad game anyway, so just cover my rear!
James: I can't cover your rear if you run past three guys!
Jason: Come on, man! Aren't you a Marine or something! USE YOUR TRAINING!
James: WHAT GOOD IS TRAINING WHEN I'M PARTNERED WITH AN IDIOT!
Jason: FUCK YOU FUCKER!

And it went on from there.

One thing I had discovered in my previous playing of the game was that the hand guns were fairly useful in making headshots. I was particularly fond of the revolver (it seemed the most accurate), and was working diligently to try and take out however many enemies I could this time with the same technique.

It went something like this:

Jason: Headshot.
James: ....
Jason: Headshot.
James: ....
Jason: Headshot.
James: SHUT THE FUCK UP! A THIRD OF THOSE YOU MISSED, THE OTHER THIRD YOU KILL STOLE FROM ME, AND THE LAST THIRD....FUCK YOU!

Most engagements usually began with, as I previously stated, me running at the enemy guns a-blazing. I'm sure any of you hardcore shooter-gaming folk out there will laugh and scoff at my tactic and I have one simple response to you: fuck you.

Anyway, I would typically run at the enemies much to the anger of James who was trying to apply actual military tactics and maneuvers to a SHITTY GAME.

It went something like this:

James: Fuck, Jason you're in the way of my shot!
Jason: Fuck you.
James: You're ALWAYS in the way of my shots!
Jason: Fuck you. Shoot somewhere else.
James: GODDAMMIT JASON!
Jason: I'm down. Come revive me.
James: THAT'S THE TWELFTH FUCKING TIME!
Jason: FUCK YOU, MAN! JUST COME AND REVIVE ME!

Essentially if you combine all of these various elements into an almost incomprehensible maelstrom of swearing, that would pretty much describe what transpired between him and I. Granted, everyone else in the cyber cafe was rolling with laughter over the show they thought we were putting on for them, and I'm glad they found it amusing, but FUCK THEM.

Tempers got so heated that I eventually just went off on James.

It went something like this:

Jason: What the fuck were you doing for six fucking months? I bet you were actually over in man-thong land finally living out your dream and just going to town on any dick that you could find. I don't even think you were in Afghanistan a) because you came back unscathed and b) because you came back with this huge shit-eating grin that tells me that your yearly quota for cock was met over there. I bet the trees were made of dicks and they all had testicles for coconuts, and every fucking night you would sup of the sweet coconut-testicle juice, fulfilling every desire that you had ever had when-

And then he punched me in the dick. And slapped me.

Seemed like a fair enough reaction.

Games that Ruin Friendships: You Don't Know Jack

Ah...here we are again. Back to the land of video games and friendships that ALMOST stood the test of time and trial. In this installment, we'll talk about the ever-maddening You Don't Know Jack.

 

For those of you who don't know about this game, You Don't Know Jack is a long-running series of trivia games that pit players against each other to answer a variety of questions about a variety of topics. I'm not certain how the earlier versions of this game played, but we'll be discussing the most recent X-Box 360 version.

Allow me to paint you the picture. 

It's a Saturday night. I'm at the local game store (Tower of Games, located in Chesapeake, Virginia) waiting for the other players in my weekly Amber game to arrive so we can start playing. One of my other, non-Amber friends, Don, happens to be in the cyber cafe playing You Don't Know Jack. 

He asks me to play. I don't see the harm so I agree. Suddenly, the unspeakable force of rage and friendship destruction swoops in to set the mood and set the bar for my patience: James. Yes, James. The same James from my Lego Star Wars article. 

He wants to play too.

Oh, joy. This should go well.

So the three of us sit down and begin. Now, before I get into the cataclysmic battle of minds and wills that was our couple of rounds playing the game, I have to tell you about the obnoxious manner in which this game presents itself.

This game, I shit you not, sets the tone for wanting to punch people. It's designed in the same style as a game show, where the players are the contestants. The obnoxious part is the disembodied voice host that won't SHUT HIS FUCKING MOUTH EVER. 

I'm not kidding. I hope the goddamn voice actor that read all those fucking lines of dialogue for that goddamn game got paid by the word because he would be fucking RICH after doing You Don't Know Jack. Change questions, he talks. Buzz in, he talks. Answer a question right, he talks. Answer a question wrong, he talks. Screw someone (we'll get to that, I swear), he talks. Pick your nose, he talks. Punch your friend in the junk (we'll get to that too, true story), he talks. Press the start button, he talks. Summon Satan to doom this game to hell forever, he talks.

He NEVER. SHUTS. THE FUCK. UP.

On top of that, the introduction INTO a new round of the game takes fucking forever and he's just talking the whole damn time. So, when the questions actually started getting asked, I was about ready to commit murder on the nearest possible living thing.

Which happened to be James, coincidentally.

Anyway, we begin playing and it acts like a normal trivia game. Get asked a question, buzz in to answer, get points for right answers and lose points for wrong ones. There are different ways questions are asked and whatnot, but it essentially boils down to this:

Right answers good. Wrong answers bad.

In addition to trying to beat your opponents to the right answer, you can literally SCREW them with the "screw" option.

How you do this is simple. When a question is asked, you simply hit the screw button and choose which of your opponents you think doesn't know the answer. When your decision is made, that person gets to pick an answer. If they answer wrong, you lose a LOT of points. If they answer right, the "screwer" loses points. Simple enough.

Except it can be used strategically to not only screw your opponent out of any sort of lead OR hope of winning and simultaneously summon from within that opponent the unbound and unspeakable rage of a thousand exploding suns.

Here's a true story:

Me: Okay guys! Next question.
*question is asked*
James: *hits the screw button*
Don: All right...who do you pick James?
James: Jason, duh. *picks me*
Jason: Ha! I've got this in the bag! *picks the wrong answer and loses the lead*
James: Hahahahaha! You're an idiot!
Jason: *punches James in the junk*

 

Yes, I punched him in the dick. I rendered him unable to act for a couple of minutes, forcing us to pause the game until he was better. Suffice it to say, he wasn't a happy camper. 

But no...the most frustrating and friendship-destroying thing about You Don't Know Jack is the final round of single session of the game. As I stated before, the usual format consists of a question being asked in some form or fashion and the players answer. In the LAST round, however, the game switches it up.

I can't describe it properly but here's the Wikipedia entry:

"After ten questions are completed, the final round of the game is the "Jack Attack" where all players compete against each other. Prior to the round, a brief clue is shown to the players to describe a relationship that they must match, for example "BFF" (Best friends forever). The game then shows one word or phrase, and then cycles through other phrases which the players must match. If players respond to the wrong phrase, they lose money; only the first player to buzz in at the correct time wins and earns money. After seven such phrases, the total scores are added and the winner is determined."
Doesn't seem so bad right? WRONG. Each correct answer is worth like...2000 fucking points. Even the asshole that's in LAST PLACE can win if they get all these questions right. Hell, one time Don was in SEVERE last place and STILL beat us in the last round.

THAT pisses me off. Not just at my friends, but the game itself. The game itself undermines its own system and basically makes it so that everything done up to the last round is meaningless as long as your the fastest trigger finger.

FUCK THAT.

Games that Ruin Friendships: Lego Star Wars

The title of this article says it all.

Simply put, Lego Star Wars destroys friendships. Pure and simple.

I've been told that this video game is preferably played single-player. I've even been told that it's good with two players. However, MY personal experience playing this video with a friend has showed me that it is the devil. It has no redeeming value as a teamwork builder nor does it lend it self to cooperative efforts.

It is, without a doubt, designed to tear apart two buddies. I'll explain...

There I am, at my local game store, Tower of Games.

At the Tower, they allow free play of any video games they happen to have on sale within the boundaries of their well-equipped cyber cafe (I might have mentioned this during my Lost: Via Domus review). One day, I had some time to kill before one of my weekly roleplaying games and decided to thoroughly kill this time by playing a video game. Now, I didn't want a video game that required me to think too much, so I figured some light frivolous fun of one of the many Lego games would suffice. Being a fan of Star Wars (who isn't?), I settled on that one.

My intent was to sit down by myself and play this game alone for an hour or two until all the other players had arrived. One of the players who happened to already be there, James, decided this wasn't going to happen as he sat his obnoxious Marine butt down in the seat next to me, X-Box controller in hand and a goofy grin on his face.

Me - "What are you doing?"
James - "This game has two-player!"
Me - "....and?"
James - "Let's play together! C'mon man, it'll be fun!"
Me - *groan*

So I relented and the game began. Right off the bat, I discovered two of the biggest cooperative flaws in this hellhole of a game:

First, the camera DOESN'T switch to splitscreen when the players get a certain distance from each other.
Second, friendly fire is on. Always.

Normally, this wouldn't be so difficult, except the terrible camera, combined WITH the friendly fire AND normally small spaces in which the characters navigate, equaled countless unnecessary character deaths. And it isn't so bad that each player has only a limited number of lives, but the stupid macguffins that we had to collect got lost every time we fucking died so....add in the frustration of resource loss. The worst part was that it got to the point where James and I were flat-out assuming that we were damaging each other on purpose.

It essentially went something like this:

Me - "Yes! The Stormtroopers are dead!"
James - "Dude, you shot me."
Me - "...it was an accident."
James - "Fuck you, accident!" *proceeds to shoot back*
Me - "Hey! Asshole!" *retaliates*

I'll let this picture of two marmots visualize our feelings toward each other.

Aaaand you can pretty much accurately assume the rest.

 And friendly fire aside, we found other ways of causing each others deaths. The poor camera and lack of split screen specifically caused poor James to be stuck on a ledge that he continually fell off of until I finally got my character back to where he was so the camera wouldn't push him off.

Suffice it to say, he blamed me for that too.

I won't bog you readers down with further examples (especially since I believe those I have provided to be sufficient to understand my point), but instead leave you with these parting words...

Don't let silly games break up a friendship. 

James and I are still friends and never really were angry at each other over Lego Star Wars. However, I have heard stories of friendships being torn asunder over such frivolous reasons. And the point of this article is to serve as a warning to all of you out there...don't let that happen. There are more important things in life than stupid games.