Yeah, that guy.
Those of you that have read my previous entries into this series know that this friend is the bane of my existence when it comes to multiplayer games. Now, I haven't been able to get any new material for this series because our dear James was away for several months doing his duty as a United States Marine. Bless him for doing our country proud.
However, he's back now. So the pain continues.
I will be the bigger man and admit that this round of suffering was my fault. We were at Tower of Games (located in Chesapeake, Virginia) and I suggested that we play another game together for the sake of a new article. He agreed and asked which game we should play.
Sure enough, the game that drew so much of our beloved Yahtzee's ire was available: Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days.
And I'll go on to further admit that I'm not very good at shooters. However, I'd played this game before and found that I wasn't half bad despite the shitty controls and gameplay. I thought I'd give it another go, y'know?
Well, sure enough, this turned out to be a fun experience for all.
We boot up the game and James and I begin the first mission. Almost immediately, the game's terrible controls and camera, coupled with our inability to work together, turned the whole cyber cafe into a torrential storm of screaming obscenities (mostly directed at each other) the likes of which I had not had the pleasure of being apart of.
It went something like this:
James: Jason, what the fuck are you doing? You're charging at the enemy! Take cover!
Jason: Fuck you man! This is a bad game anyway, so just cover my rear!
James: I can't cover your rear if you run past three guys!
Jason: Come on, man! Aren't you a Marine or something! USE YOUR TRAINING!
James: WHAT GOOD IS TRAINING WHEN I'M PARTNERED WITH AN IDIOT!
Jason: FUCK YOU FUCKER!
And it went on from there.
One thing I had discovered in my previous playing of the game was that the hand guns were fairly useful in making headshots. I was particularly fond of the revolver (it seemed the most accurate), and was working diligently to try and take out however many enemies I could this time with the same technique.
It went something like this:
Jason: Headshot.
James: ....
Jason: Headshot.
James: ....
Jason: Headshot.
James: SHUT THE FUCK UP! A THIRD OF THOSE YOU MISSED, THE OTHER THIRD YOU KILL STOLE FROM ME, AND THE LAST THIRD....FUCK YOU!
Most engagements usually began with, as I previously stated, me running at the enemy guns a-blazing. I'm sure any of you hardcore shooter-gaming folk out there will laugh and scoff at my tactic and I have one simple response to you: fuck you.
Anyway, I would typically run at the enemies much to the anger of James who was trying to apply actual military tactics and maneuvers to a SHITTY GAME.
It went something like this:
James: Fuck, Jason you're in the way of my shot!
Jason: Fuck you.
James: You're ALWAYS in the way of my shots!
Jason: Fuck you. Shoot somewhere else.
James: GODDAMMIT JASON!
Jason: I'm down. Come revive me.
James: THAT'S THE TWELFTH FUCKING TIME!
Jason: FUCK YOU, MAN! JUST COME AND REVIVE ME!
Essentially if you combine all of these various elements into an almost incomprehensible maelstrom of swearing, that would pretty much describe what transpired between him and I. Granted, everyone else in the cyber cafe was rolling with laughter over the show they thought we were putting on for them, and I'm glad they found it amusing, but FUCK THEM.
Tempers got so heated that I eventually just went off on James.
It went something like this:
Jason: What the fuck were you doing for six fucking months? I bet you were actually over in man-thong land finally living out your dream and just going to town on any dick that you could find. I don't even think you were in Afghanistan a) because you came back unscathed and b) because you came back with this huge shit-eating grin that tells me that your yearly quota for cock was met over there. I bet the trees were made of dicks and they all had testicles for coconuts, and every fucking night you would sup of the sweet coconut-testicle juice, fulfilling every desire that you had ever had when-
And then he punched me in the dick. And slapped me.
Seemed like a fair enough reaction.
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