Games that Ruin Friendships: You Don't Know Jack

Ah...here we are again. Back to the land of video games and friendships that ALMOST stood the test of time and trial. In this installment, we'll talk about the ever-maddening You Don't Know Jack.

 

For those of you who don't know about this game, You Don't Know Jack is a long-running series of trivia games that pit players against each other to answer a variety of questions about a variety of topics. I'm not certain how the earlier versions of this game played, but we'll be discussing the most recent X-Box 360 version.

Allow me to paint you the picture. 

It's a Saturday night. I'm at the local game store (Tower of Games, located in Chesapeake, Virginia) waiting for the other players in my weekly Amber game to arrive so we can start playing. One of my other, non-Amber friends, Don, happens to be in the cyber cafe playing You Don't Know Jack. 

He asks me to play. I don't see the harm so I agree. Suddenly, the unspeakable force of rage and friendship destruction swoops in to set the mood and set the bar for my patience: James. Yes, James. The same James from my Lego Star Wars article. 

He wants to play too.

Oh, joy. This should go well.

So the three of us sit down and begin. Now, before I get into the cataclysmic battle of minds and wills that was our couple of rounds playing the game, I have to tell you about the obnoxious manner in which this game presents itself.

This game, I shit you not, sets the tone for wanting to punch people. It's designed in the same style as a game show, where the players are the contestants. The obnoxious part is the disembodied voice host that won't SHUT HIS FUCKING MOUTH EVER. 

I'm not kidding. I hope the goddamn voice actor that read all those fucking lines of dialogue for that goddamn game got paid by the word because he would be fucking RICH after doing You Don't Know Jack. Change questions, he talks. Buzz in, he talks. Answer a question right, he talks. Answer a question wrong, he talks. Screw someone (we'll get to that, I swear), he talks. Pick your nose, he talks. Punch your friend in the junk (we'll get to that too, true story), he talks. Press the start button, he talks. Summon Satan to doom this game to hell forever, he talks.

He NEVER. SHUTS. THE FUCK. UP.

On top of that, the introduction INTO a new round of the game takes fucking forever and he's just talking the whole damn time. So, when the questions actually started getting asked, I was about ready to commit murder on the nearest possible living thing.

Which happened to be James, coincidentally.

Anyway, we begin playing and it acts like a normal trivia game. Get asked a question, buzz in to answer, get points for right answers and lose points for wrong ones. There are different ways questions are asked and whatnot, but it essentially boils down to this:

Right answers good. Wrong answers bad.

In addition to trying to beat your opponents to the right answer, you can literally SCREW them with the "screw" option.

How you do this is simple. When a question is asked, you simply hit the screw button and choose which of your opponents you think doesn't know the answer. When your decision is made, that person gets to pick an answer. If they answer wrong, you lose a LOT of points. If they answer right, the "screwer" loses points. Simple enough.

Except it can be used strategically to not only screw your opponent out of any sort of lead OR hope of winning and simultaneously summon from within that opponent the unbound and unspeakable rage of a thousand exploding suns.

Here's a true story:

Me: Okay guys! Next question.
*question is asked*
James: *hits the screw button*
Don: All right...who do you pick James?
James: Jason, duh. *picks me*
Jason: Ha! I've got this in the bag! *picks the wrong answer and loses the lead*
James: Hahahahaha! You're an idiot!
Jason: *punches James in the junk*

 

Yes, I punched him in the dick. I rendered him unable to act for a couple of minutes, forcing us to pause the game until he was better. Suffice it to say, he wasn't a happy camper. 

But no...the most frustrating and friendship-destroying thing about You Don't Know Jack is the final round of single session of the game. As I stated before, the usual format consists of a question being asked in some form or fashion and the players answer. In the LAST round, however, the game switches it up.

I can't describe it properly but here's the Wikipedia entry:

"After ten questions are completed, the final round of the game is the "Jack Attack" where all players compete against each other. Prior to the round, a brief clue is shown to the players to describe a relationship that they must match, for example "BFF" (Best friends forever). The game then shows one word or phrase, and then cycles through other phrases which the players must match. If players respond to the wrong phrase, they lose money; only the first player to buzz in at the correct time wins and earns money. After seven such phrases, the total scores are added and the winner is determined."
Doesn't seem so bad right? WRONG. Each correct answer is worth like...2000 fucking points. Even the asshole that's in LAST PLACE can win if they get all these questions right. Hell, one time Don was in SEVERE last place and STILL beat us in the last round.

THAT pisses me off. Not just at my friends, but the game itself. The game itself undermines its own system and basically makes it so that everything done up to the last round is meaningless as long as your the fastest trigger finger.

FUCK THAT.