An Open Letter to Extraterrestrials that May Eventually Come Here

Our Dearest Extraterrestrial Neighbors-

First, allow me to welcome you to Earth! You may have another name for our planet, but we've become quite partial to "Earth" so I hope you'll be polite enough to follow suit. But welcome nonetheless! I believe I may speak for all of humanity when I say that we have been waiting for this opportunity for...well, ever really! .
Honestly, if you want to see how long we've been waiting to meet you guys, just take a good long look over our film history and just see how many of those movies involve aliens. Allow me to be the first to apologize if any of those movies you look over have aliens resembling yourselves and allow me to further apologize if those movies containing aliens resembling yourselves also contain our people outright murdering them.

We're honestly not that bad.

Well, I say we're not that bad, but what I really mean is that a very, very small number of us aren't that bad. In actuality a good many humans are more-than-likely going to be paranoid and distrustful of you. Another good many humans are going to hate you because, hey, I can definitely see us becoming speciesists! But it's only because we're a primitive people that have never stepped further than our own moon. Surely you guys are MUCH more enlightened and advanced than us, making it all the way here and all.

By the way, did I mention how amazing it would be if you didn't invade us? I didn't? Oh, well that would be awesome.

Anyway, as I was saying...many will distrust you, many will hate you, but I'm also fairly certain that many will welcome you with open arms. In fact, I bet a decent number of those welcoming humans are going to be REALLY interested in meeting you guys. Those are the ones to really look out for because those are the nutjobs bent on making sure they're the first to have sex with a species other than our own.

Seriously, we're a decent people. You have to believe me.

But hey! Maybe you're willing to look beyond all of those silly quirks humans have! Maybe you're excited to take under your wing (wings?) a fledgling race that dreams of the stars. If you are seriously considering this, please make sure you have a means of disarming nuclear weapons because these pesky countries here that cover our planet are going to fight over who has first rights to you guys. That's right, my alien friends, we humans are such a petty species that we'll fight over who gets first dibs on what could be the biggest step forward for all of humanity. Hell, we may even go to war over it.

By the way, did I mention how awesome it would be if you guys didn't make us fight each other over your attention? I didn't? Well, that would be amazing.

In all seriousness, our extraterrestrial neighbors, there are a lot of wonderful things we humans and the planet Earth has to offer. If you guys are willing to overlook our many MANY flaws and help us find a better way to exist, I promise we won't disappoint.

Hell, the Doctor likes us. That should be a glowing recommendation, right?

Sincerely,
Jason Willard