Game Reviews - Lost: Via Domus

Now, I don't normally do video game reviews. This is mainly because...well...I don't really play many video games. However, I was browsing through my local game store (Tower of Games, located conveniently in the heart of Hampton Roads, Virginia) when I stumbled across a copy of Lost: Via Domus.

Now, being a fan of the television program of the same name, I HAD to take this golden opportunity and play this obviously enjoyable interactive experience first-hand. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with this plan of action, right?

Right?

So, I slapped down my hard-earned five bucks to spend the day playing the game in the store's cyber cafe. Somewhere between 6-8 hours later (I seriously lost track of time due to both the immense amount of SUCK and the immense amount of wanting to see the ending) I finally finished the game. That's right, kids, the damn thing was criminally short for ANY video game of this console generation. 

And, as I stated before, the damn thing was a piece of raging, reeking, rancid SUCK. 

Seen here: The game

"But Jason," you may be saying to your computer monitor, "why are you surprised that a game based on a television series sucks?" 

First of all, shut up. 

Second of all, this game isn't just game-based-on-a-television-show bad. Oh no...Lost: Via Domus is BAD. Seriously. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. But, I'll listen to the advice of those that have come before me and begin by listing some of the better qualities of the game.

One thing in particular that I was happy about was the fact that all of the cast members did the voices of their corresponding characters. 

However, my giddiness about this particular bonus was quickly dashed upon the rocks of logic and marketing as I realized that all of the cast members were more-than-likely contractually obligated to provide their voices for this festering pile of aardvark excrement. Don't believe me? Think about it. Lost: Via Domus was realeased in 2008. Lost the show was in the middle of its fourth season and had been given the go-ahead for a fifth, so there was NO WAY that the video game producers were going to let the actors slip away from their dubbing duties. Additionally, and I hate to admit this, but I'm sure the actors weren't begrudging ANOTHER fat paycheck from their cash cow television show. 

Whatever.

Another good aspect of this game was the FIRST time you were chased around by the Smoke Monster. I found this sequence to be both suspenseful and exciting. However, THIS good point is also dashed to hell, only this time upon the rocks of mediocrity and poor design. What I mean is that the first sequence was very good...and then they repeated the sequence, oh, THREE MORE TIMES. Yeah, the game designers were so lazy that they copied the same run-and-hide sequence three more times. 

So, good points? There aren't any. Let's review this fucking thing. 

Long story short, you play one of the miraculously unheard of and unseen survivors of the crash, Elliott, who has plot-driven amnesia. Through running around the island and talking to the other characters, Elliott slowly pieces together who he was and what happened to him before the flight. 

The game itself follows an incredibly boring and predictable cycle. 

First you'll:

Talk to all the available characters!

Then you'll: 

Run to some location on the island!

At which point you'll:

Find something or talk to someone to trigger a flashback!

And from there you rinse and repeat until you finish all seven terrible "episodes". This formula stays pretty solid throughout the game, with only a few minor variations such as "find something and BRING IT BACK to trigger a flashback" or "run to some location on the island WHILE BEING CHASED BY OTHERS". Really, it's just things they tack on to pad the games 6-8 hour playtime. 

And don't get me started about the fucking ridiculous inventory/trading system. Basically it works like this: various things can be used as "money" on the island. Mostly bottles of water, beer, coconuts, etc. that you find lying around. You collect these and trade them to whatever character happens to be acting as the "merchant" at that point in the game to buy useful things, like a gun, bullets, lantern, oil for your lantern, double-handed dildo...you know, the essentials. 

The issue I have with this whole setup is threefold. 

First, you have limited space in your inventory. So, after loading up with valuable boxes of food and cans of beer to trade later on, you find yourself in need of that torch you just discovered. What do you have to do? Get rid of an entire collection of beer or food or whatever you happen to have JUST to open that one slot. This isn't the worst offender, and Resident Evil 5 had the same issue. However, things get worse. 

Let's say you manage your inventory carefully and have all the necessary items you need and have stocked up on other items to trade in for money. Great! Wait...where's the character that you're supposed to trade with? Well...it was Sawyer last episode but Sawyer's gone now. WHO THE HELL DO I TALK TO TO UNLOAD THESE FUCKING COCONUTS GODDAMMIT! So, you end up having to repeat the "Talk to all available characters" portion of the game until you discover who the new "merchant" is. 

But, oh no. Oh there is a much worse offender than those two issues. Oh no no no. The game, in its vast and infinite wisdom, explains to you how important it is to have plenty of oil for your lantern and bullets for you gun. So what, as a good little fucking gamer, do you do? Well OBVIOUSLY you fucking spend an ungodly unnecessary amount of time collecting tradable goods JUST so you can stock up on those things. Because fuck knows you don't want your ass caught in an unwinnable situation because you didn't buy enough fucking LANTERN OIL. And then what do you discover? You have enough bullets to kill a small country and enough lantern oil to give arsonists a wet dream...but you don't need them.

I'll repeat that. You. Don't. Need. Them. 

The game spends it's ENTIRE FIRST HALF WAVING THESE THINGS AROUND FOR YOU TO BUY ONLY TO MAKE THEM ENTIRELY USELESS IN THE END. 

*groan* 

And we still haven't gotten to the worst or dumbest aspects of this game. It's hilarious, I tell you, the lengths I go to warn people...putting my own sanity on the line and all. 

Another feature that particularly bothers me is the camera function. Yes! I forgot to mention that Elliott is photographer and has a camera with him at all times that you can whip out to take pictures of...well anything! What purpose does this serve to the overall game and plot? Why nothing of course! The only reason the camera feature is in the game is...*drumroll*...achievements! That's right, if you take pictures of the right objects, at the right distance, with the right framing, you'll get a stupid achievement! Hoo-fucking-ray!

The manufacturing plate on the hatch is one of the optional "photo opportunities". Fucking bite me, game. 

But wait! We haven't even talked about the WORST aspect of the game. I labored through the entire thing, slaving over the stupid inventory system, strong-arming my way through really contrived and ridiculous puzzles, talking to EVERY character again and again and again...all for the sake of seeing the story to its end. 

And what, dear readers, do you think I was rewarded with? Guess. Go ahead, I'll wait. 

.........................................................................

The most BULLSHIT, CLICHED, "WAS IT ALL A DREAM?", COP OUT ENDING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I mean...I know Lost is known for it's strange twists, unusual premises, and cliffhanger endings but THIS....the show never stooped THIS low. I felt dirty having paid five bucks to play it. I felt dirty for just PLAYING it, five bucks or not. 

I really don't want to tell you guys what the ending was, lest I seize up from stupidity and bite my own tongue, so I recommend just finding some Let's Play on YouTube to see for yourself. 

Man...I just....FUCK.