Boycotting Hollywood (Mostly...)

The date is currently August 23, 2011.

I am currently taking a look at the listings for a nearby movie theater.

I am not pleased with what I see.

Now, this isn't the first time I haven't been pleased with a movie line-up. As a matter of fact, I oftentimes look on with passive hate when I see a month's coming attractions. Hollywood, in this day and age, churns out more bile and shit than ever before.

Seriously! Look at the movies playing right now!


30 Minutes or Less
Honestly, anything with Nick Swardson as a lead is destined to be terrible. I've only ever seen this guy on episodes of Reno 911! and in Blades of Glory. I've never seen his stand-up, I've never watched his Comedy Central show (thank god...), and I've never caught any other movies he's been in. Other than that, the movie has a smattering of other "actors" that haven't had any real roles other than the Social Network kid. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

Captain America: The First Avenger
Now, I haven't seen this yet. And, honestly, I was looking forward to this movie all summer. I still have high hopes that this movie would be another step toward the serious superhero movie that The Dark Knight began. Now, that may be the case. It may not. However, there's a greater evil at work behind the scenes of this summer blockbuster: Hollywood greedily cashing in on any and every marketable superhero franchise they can get their hands on. We're at the forefront of this movement. In the coming years, I can guarantee that Hollywood will eventually start ringing the superhero teet for some of the most bottom-of-the-barrel heroes they can find until every usable resource has been tapped. Sucktastic.

Conan the Barbarian
Ah, Hollywood's OTHER source of cheap income: the remake. Anything that was made prior to a certain date (let's just go with....1992) is in danger of being remade in such a fashion. The original concept, with as much likability, character, and charm that it originally possessed, will oftentimes be put through the Hollywood ringer. What's left is a lifeless, like-less husk of the original product, all of the charm removed in favor of better graphics and "cooler" stunts. The Conan remake is no exception. I haven't seen this movie and I don't want to because I'd like to honor the memory of our esteemed Governator and the role HE originally played.

Cowboys and Aliens
This is an example of a fun premise being pushed too far by Hollywood. Cowboy & Aliens was going to be an effects-driven film centered around the heavy-hitter duo of Harrison "Han-Fucking-Solo" Ford and Daniel "I'm-James-Bond-Bitch" Craig. Now, with talent like Ford and Craig, along with the unique and quirky premise, one would expect an exciting cinematic romp. However, Hollywood somehow fucked it up and the whole thing turns out mediocre. Again, I haven't seen this film myself to comment on where it fell short, but I probably will at some point in the near future. For shame, Hollywood. First Morning Glory and now this? You're trying to kill Han Solo's career.

Final Destination 5
Y'know what I love about this movie line-up? It covers pretty much all of the general problems with Hollywood today. We've had the unfunny 3rd rate comedies, the milking a concept/franchise til it's dead, the unoriginal and constant remaking of EVERYTHING, and the effects driven, star-studded blockbuster of mediocrity. And, now, we have the overdone, oversequeled horror series. The Final Destination series is known, primarily, for its creative death scenes. That's pretty much the gimmick behind it: to see how clever the writers could be in the first couple of films. Now, audiences groan as they see just how far writers have to stretch before even the dumbest audiences' suspension of disbelief breaks.

Fright Night
Here's another example of shameless remaking. Even with the addition of the AMAZING David Tennant to the cast, I'm still shaky on how good/bad/awful this will be. It's a remake, however, which leaves a bad taste in my mouth to begin with. If I had to make a prediction, I'd go ahead and assume I'll hate everything about this movie EXCEPT Mr. Tennant. I mean, c'mon...you can't hate the Doctor.

Glee the 3D Concert Movie
Now, I'll be a man and admit that I watch Glee. Religiously. I download every episode after its premiere, have a few of their songs on my MP3 player, and ever teared up at an episode or two. However, I have NO desire to see a concert in a movie theater. And don't get me STARTED with the 3D aspect (3D is another rant entirely...). It basically boils down to this: if I want to see a concert, I'll go see a concert. Live. I have NO desire to see a rock concert in a movie theater (though I have been interested in seeing those operas that some theaters offer). The point is that I find that a concert in a movie theater lacks the atmosphere and character that a live concert possesses, and that's Hollywood's fault for doing it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Ah, yes. Harry Potter. How many years has it been since you first made your on-screen debut? Too long, in my opinion. I stopped watching the HP series of movies after Goblet of Fire. Why? Not because the movies suck. No, because of the ravenous fanbase. I HATE Potter fans. They are, to date, some of the most ridiculous, fanatic, obsessed fans I have ever witnessed (outside of well-known sci-fi circles, of course). This is another product of Hollywood, what I like to call the Twilight effect (though it wasn't the first, it is the most mock-able). Basically Hollywood takes an already mildly popular franchise and explodes the FUCK out of it all over everything. This irritates me because it creates these monsters (both the franchises and the fans) that normal people look upon with fear and disdain. Thankfully, this is the last HP movie to grace the screens. Thankfully.

The Help
I have no idea what this movie is about beyond African-American servants and that it's a period piece. This may very well be a good movie. However, I can still find fault with Hollywood concerning this one: the advertising. The only reason I didn't look at this movie and go completely "Huh?" is because I saw some minor advertising on some video sites I frequent. Like I already stated, this movie could be fantastic. However, the potentially fantastic movie isn't going to get the box office numbers it should get because of Hollywood's reluctance to advertise it over other, more popular, and more shitty films. It pains me to see potentially great movies get thrown to the wayside because the studios are aware that the public would rather see fart jokes and explosions than memorable characters and good writing.

One Day
Oh, look! The romantic dramedy! I was wondering where this one was. Well, here it is. It's another of those "they're two different people that are friends and finally discover they love each other" stories. That falls into romantic movie cliche number #385473. And is there ever any tension about the two getting together in the end? NO. And why is that? Because no studio is going to put out a romantic comedy where the two characters DON'T get together because they're cowardly sheep that refuse to break the mold and try anything new. That's why I like movies like Lost in Translation (the two mains DIDN'T get together in the end), Sin City (love interests often ended up dead), and, yes, The Notebook (the characters ended up together but it was bittersweet). I can't STAND romantic movies where everything is wrapped up in a nice, neat bow. It fucking sucks.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
This is kind of an off-shoot of the remake, but worse. This is the reimagining/add-on. Oh yes, somewhere some Hollywood idiot said to him/herself "Planet of the Apes was a great movie...but I bet people would love to see what happened BEFORE that." And y'know what? No. No one wanted to know what happened before that. We were all perfectly content with the amazing original Planet of the Apes and the shitty remake. And you'd think Hollywood would've learned its lesson with that godawful remake, but no. No, they didn't. God I hate all of them over there.

The Smurfs
WHY?! WHY DID THIS NEED TO BE MADE?!  WHAT POSSIBLE REASON WOULD ANYONE HAVE HAD FOR MAKING THIS?!?! WHY DID NEIL PATRICK HARRIS AGREE TO BE IN THIS?!?! THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World 4D
Wha...huh...y'know what? I give up.

The point of this exercise was to show how, on any average week in the theaters, Hollywood not only screws up, but FLAUNTS its flaws in all of their variety and shamelessness.

And the worse part about all of this?

We're to blame.

That's right, faithful readers, we're to blame for all of this. Not just us, but the movie-watching masses as a whole. We're the ones that pay to see crap like The Smurfs and 30 Minutes or Less. It's OUR ticket sales that let those movie executives know that we're cattle, easily led to the next big, dumb blockbuster. For every Epic Movie and The Happening we go to see, a Munich falls through the cracks. For every awful remake and sequel we encourage the studios to make through our ticket sales that is green-lighted, a GOOD script goes into the dumpster.

THAT is the reason why our films suck. Us.

That is why I'm boycotting going to the movies. I'm boycotting buying any DVDs. I'm doing my very minor part in fighting against Hollywood to show them that they can't promise us steak and give us raw ground beef. If there's anything I want to watch, I'll acquire it some other way to watch. For now, however, they won't get one more cent from me until the quality of cinema improves.