Doctor Who Delights: Adipose Rice Baby!

My girlfriend is pretty awesome. I just want to say that. Not only have I gotten her REALLY into Doctor Who (she's currently attempting to catch up with the new episodes before the next season begins) but she also fosters my love of the show in creative ways!

Ways like this!

 

A little ride Adipose baby! Isn't it adorable!? AWWWWWWWWWWW!

She's amazing, I tell you.

Wordslinging Critic: The Green Hornet

A superhero movie...starring Seth Rogen?? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Tabletop Tales: Cubegeddon

It was all an accident, I swear!

So there we are, playing Amber (isn't it hilarious how a lot of my best stories come from that game?), and I had left off last session attempting to handle a D&D-esque dungeon all by myself, without telling the rest of the party where I was or what I was doing.

Not the smartest move on my part, no, but I am known for my impulsive nature.

Anyway, this last session began with my first encounters in the "crawl". Nothing too major...a trap here, some goblins there. Basically, nothing I couldn't handle. Then, it happens...

I encounter a gelatinous cube.

Gelatinous Cube

For those of you non-D&D players out there, a gelatinous cube is literally a solid cube of a terribly acidic substance that engulfs and dissolves anything it can. It lives in cold, dark dungeons and hunts by heat. Typically, the remains of adventurers (nifty treasures and gold!) can be found within it.

Normally, something like this wouldn't pose a challenge for me, as I would typically rip its soul out and eat it, rendering the thing into harmless dust, but that wasn't the case here. You see, to actually rip a thing's soul out, I had to connect with it in some way (normally, I'd connect to the thing's fear from being ripped to shreds by a terrible monster i.e. me) to perform the soul extraction, but the cube, being of alien-mind, wasn't susceptible to my normal methods.

My fellow player, Mikey, suggested that I connect with its hunger (since I'm always hungry as a monster...see my older entry) to perform the soul extraction. I found this to be a sound idea and went ahead with it. The following dialogue is exactly how it went:

Me - "Okay, Pete, I have an idea."
Pete - "Okay."
Me - "Because the thing doesn't think like a human or normal creature, and because I've eaten a small bit of it and understand its nature, I want to tap into the things hunger and use that connection between its hunger and my hunger to rip its soul out."
Pete - "Okay, so you want to shut everything off except your hunger to do this?"
Me - "....for only a moment, yes?"
Pete - "I'll get back to you."

Typically, when Pete says "I'll get back to you", it means you screwed up in a way that means your character can't act for an extended period of time. I wasn't pleased. Oh, but it got worse.

Jump ahead three days, in-game time. The others are going about their various activities within the realm of the city we were staying at, unaware of what happened to me. Suddenly, one player, Black Mike, spots something strange coming his direction. Upon closer examination, he discovers it to be not a 10x10x10 gelatinous cube...oh no, he sees a 7 STORY TALL GELATINOUS CUBE WREAKING HAVOC THROUGH THE CITY.

Y'see what happened was, shutting off everything but my hunger TURNED me into a gelatinous cube. BUT I was not just an ordinary gelatinous cube...I was a gelatinous cube with Monster powers. Oh fuck. So, as Pete explained it, I, as the horrible gelatinous cube, cleared out the entirety of the dungeon and, with nothing left to eat down there, proceeded to the surface to find new food. Because a gelatinous cube hunts and senses by heat, I was blind to everything on the surface except the sun. So, in trying to reach the sun to eat it, I happened to trample all over the city killing many.

Great. There goes morality.

Fortunately, the party is quick to fix me and wake my man-mind up. We manage to cover up the fact that it was me by pretending I was one of the survivors from the cube attack.

So...horrible destruction wrought by a monstrous gelatinous cube aside, we head back to the dungeon to claim the loot that was rightfully mine (I technically DID clear the dungeon as I meant to do...). However, we get intercepted by the king and his posse who question us.

Guy - *activates a lie-detecting spell* "You there! Aren't you the one that entered the dungeon a few days ago?"
Me - "Yes. Yes I am."
Guy - "And you went by yourself?"
Me - "Yes, I did."
Guy - "How did you escape?"
Me - *motioning toward the huge swath of destuction* "Clearly, I didn't."

Never underestimate my ability to tell honest lies. Unfortunately, the interrogation didn't continue. I wish it had considering I had more truthful lies to answer with. Something like this:

Guy - "What happened to you down there?"
Me - "Well, I cleared the dungeon (which is true, since I did so as the gelatinous cube) and was carried out by the gelatinous cube (which is also true considering the gelatinous cube "mind" carried me along)."
Guy - "How did you survive?"
Me - "With the grace of luck and the assistance of my companions once the cube exited the dungeon (which are both true)."

The incident was thenceforth referred to by party as Cubegeddon (except Mikey who refused to call it that on account of "stupidity"). Not one of my best sessions, but at least it wasn't as bad as the horrible artifact we found after the incident...

Why Spider-Man Kicks Ass

Let's take a moment to talk about the amazing...the astonishing...your friendly neighborhood...Spider-Man!

I flippin' LOVE Spider-Man. He is, without any doubt, my all-time favorite superhero (if you didn't already know). I collect Spider-Man comic books, watched the Spider-Man movies (no matter how bad they got...), got up every Saturday to watch the 90s Spider-Man cartoon, have Spider-Man posters and action figures...I just can't get enough of the ol' webhead!

Now, I'm aware that good ol' Spidey has had his ups and downs throughout the decades. But, y'know what? I stick by him no matter what! I've stuck by him through the Clone Saga. I've stuck by him through One More Day (burr...did it just get colder in here?). I've even stuck by him through the SpiderMobile! Nothing can deter my rampant adoration of the wall-crawler and here, in this article, I'll explain why he's better than other, popular heroes.

First on the block is...

 ...none other than Big Blue, himself: Superman!

Y'know...I never was fond of the big Boy Scout. I always found the concept of an invincible superhero to be...lame? I mean, come on! The big bastard is TOO perfect for his own good! There's NOTHING to relate to with this guy! He's an alien. He's got crazy superpowers that make him nigh godlike. He's got a moral code that would make Ghandi jealous. He's TOO. DAMN. PERFECT.

Now, let's look at Spidey. He's got flaws. REAL flaws...not some crazy green hunk of stone that gives regular humans cancer from being too close to it. He's human. He makes mistakes. He loses his cool. He gets scared. He can be RELATED to! It's that bit humanity that gives Spidey the edge against Supes any day of the week. Honestly, anyone that is a hardcore fan of something PERFECT needs to grow up or get their head out of their ass.

And before any Superman fans go calling shenanigans and tidal waving me with comments and messages about how Supes has "lost his cool" and "been scared" and blah blah blah, I have a rebuttal. Yes, there have been very fleeting moments of humanity in Superman's history. But not enough to make me feel like he's flawed. Deal.

Next against the web-head will be...

 ...the ol' stars and stripes himself, Captain America!

Now, I have more respect for Captain America than I do for Supes. Captain America fought in a REAL WAR. He's more of a symbol for this country than Supes is, even when fighting against that same country for something he knew to be wrong. However, I still don't find him better than my wall-crawler buddy!

Why, you ask? Well, it's simple. Captain America, within the realm of the Marvel universe, is LIKED. People recognize and like Cap. He doesn't have to deal with the burden of being thought of as a menace daily like Spidey does. Cap doesn't have a newspaper dedicating itself to smearing his name regularly. Despite all of this, Spidey continues to fight and do what's right...even without the fanfare.

And next up against Spidey, it's a twofer...

It's the legendary Caped Crusader, Batman, and the Tin Can Man himself, Iron Man!

Again, here comes the disclaimer. I have great respect for these two as superheroes. Batman especially. Batman is, LITERALLY, the closest thing to a perfect, non-powered human being. Iron Man, even with his many flaws (arrogance, alcohol abuse, womanizing...), is also an amazing hero in his own right, being, among other things, a technical genius. The reason Spidey is, in my eyes, better than these two is *har har* twofold. 

First and foremost...money. Batman and Iron Man are millionaires. MILLIONAIRES. They can pretty much do anything that can be done with money. Their superhero alter egos are proof of this, considering both funded their personal arsenals for crime fighting. However, Spidey fights crime with barely any money to help himself LIVE, let alone even less to fund his web-fluid, costume repairs, etc. The very fact that Spidey continually does what he does without the assistance of vast wealth is inspiring. 

The second reason is also simple...brainpower. WAIT! Batman fans hold it RIGHT THERE. I'm not saying Spidey is smarter or more clever than Bats. No no no. I AM saying that Spidey's mental acuity is greatly underestimated and underplayed! Bats and Iron Man are KNOWN for their smarts, but people often forget that Spidey outwitted Tony Stark WITH ARMOR TONY BUILT. It just amazes me how often people overlook the fact that Peter Parker is a scientist AS WELL as a superhero. 

All right...next up....

...the Canuck himself, Wolverine!

A lot of people are drawn to Wolverine for his no-nonsense personality and anti-hero qualities. He smokes, he drinks, he kills people with his horrible horrible claws, but why would I say my favorite web-slinger is better than him? 

Well, first and foremost, Wolverine's backstory is a muddled mess of jumbled memories (screw you recent comics! Wolvy was that way for DECADES), he barely has a sense of humor, he smells bad...whatever. You get the idea. I can see why people enjoy Wolverine (he's not my cup of tea, personally), but I honestly think that Spidey would win in a one-on-one fight against this guy. Not KILL Wolverine...lord knows writers have enough trouble thinking of creative ways to take Wolverine down...but knock him out. And that's the truth, bub.

And overall, what's the biggest problem I have against ALL these superheroes? They get the recognition. Every time they save the world, or a city, or mutant-kind, or the universe, or the multiverse, the people know THEY did it and praise them for it. Spidey has saved and helped save all of those things countless times and is he ever treated with any laud or praise? Is he ever treated better for his life-risking efforts? Do the people regard him as the hero he is and always has been?

No. They don't. 

But what sets Spidey above the rest is that, even without the praise and recognition, the money or the invincibility, the bad boy attitude or anything else...he still saves lives. He does it IN SPITE of not having those things...and why? Because with great power comes great responsibility. 

That's enough for me.

Games that Ruin Friendships: Lego Star Wars

The title of this article says it all.

Simply put, Lego Star Wars destroys friendships. Pure and simple.

I've been told that this video game is preferably played single-player. I've even been told that it's good with two players. However, MY personal experience playing this video with a friend has showed me that it is the devil. It has no redeeming value as a teamwork builder nor does it lend it self to cooperative efforts.

It is, without a doubt, designed to tear apart two buddies. I'll explain...

There I am, at my local game store, Tower of Games.

At the Tower, they allow free play of any video games they happen to have on sale within the boundaries of their well-equipped cyber cafe (I might have mentioned this during my Lost: Via Domus review). One day, I had some time to kill before one of my weekly roleplaying games and decided to thoroughly kill this time by playing a video game. Now, I didn't want a video game that required me to think too much, so I figured some light frivolous fun of one of the many Lego games would suffice. Being a fan of Star Wars (who isn't?), I settled on that one.

My intent was to sit down by myself and play this game alone for an hour or two until all the other players had arrived. One of the players who happened to already be there, James, decided this wasn't going to happen as he sat his obnoxious Marine butt down in the seat next to me, X-Box controller in hand and a goofy grin on his face.

Me - "What are you doing?"
James - "This game has two-player!"
Me - "....and?"
James - "Let's play together! C'mon man, it'll be fun!"
Me - *groan*

So I relented and the game began. Right off the bat, I discovered two of the biggest cooperative flaws in this hellhole of a game:

First, the camera DOESN'T switch to splitscreen when the players get a certain distance from each other.
Second, friendly fire is on. Always.

Normally, this wouldn't be so difficult, except the terrible camera, combined WITH the friendly fire AND normally small spaces in which the characters navigate, equaled countless unnecessary character deaths. And it isn't so bad that each player has only a limited number of lives, but the stupid macguffins that we had to collect got lost every time we fucking died so....add in the frustration of resource loss. The worst part was that it got to the point where James and I were flat-out assuming that we were damaging each other on purpose.

It essentially went something like this:

Me - "Yes! The Stormtroopers are dead!"
James - "Dude, you shot me."
Me - "...it was an accident."
James - "Fuck you, accident!" *proceeds to shoot back*
Me - "Hey! Asshole!" *retaliates*

I'll let this picture of two marmots visualize our feelings toward each other.

Aaaand you can pretty much accurately assume the rest.

 And friendly fire aside, we found other ways of causing each others deaths. The poor camera and lack of split screen specifically caused poor James to be stuck on a ledge that he continually fell off of until I finally got my character back to where he was so the camera wouldn't push him off.

Suffice it to say, he blamed me for that too.

I won't bog you readers down with further examples (especially since I believe those I have provided to be sufficient to understand my point), but instead leave you with these parting words...

Don't let silly games break up a friendship. 

James and I are still friends and never really were angry at each other over Lego Star Wars. However, I have heard stories of friendships being torn asunder over such frivolous reasons. And the point of this article is to serve as a warning to all of you out there...don't let that happen. There are more important things in life than stupid games.

Tabletop Tales: The Morality of Being a Monster

When you think "monster" you may think of...

Why does the Count look like he just saw something shocking right off-camera?

Or maybe you think more along the lines of...

Or maybe you're completely off the wall and actually think of...

But, whatever your idea of a "monster" is, one thing is for sure: being a monster is HARD. Let me explain...

In my Saturday Amber game, we, the players, were given the opportunity to choose new powers for our characters. Among the normal powers that were already available, four "opposite" versions of the existing powers opened up as well as four new elemental powers.

Me, being the curious-but-still-cautious type that I am, decided to switch from the Shaper power that I already had to its opposite: the Monster power. Now, the "opposite" powers aren't necessarily EVIL per se...they're just based in actions that are oftentimes morally questionable.

To explain, using the Monster power as an example, it seems that the Shaper power works off of cooperation with your environment and yourself. The Monster power, inversely, works off of domination instead of cooperation. This essentially translates to, instead of manipulating the surrounding environment to do what I need, I now eat everything.

I'm not certain, but I think this guy is a Monster

I'm sure you fast-learning readers out there can understand the dilemma this presents when you're attempting to be part of a morally good group of adventurers.

"But wait," the more inquisitive of you may be asking, "Can't you just eat animals and plants and stuff? You don't necessarily have to eat PEOPLE right?"

Well, we think along the same lines. However, I quickly learned from the GM, Pete (as many of you may recall from previous entries), that creatures of intelligence give me more energy to use than things of lesser or no intelligence. So, eating people is far more useful than, say, eating that snail.

But there's the moral dilemma. I, personally, don't WANT to eat people. At least, not innocent people. I've made the declaration to myself and my party-mates that I will refrain from eating people that don't deserve it. So far, I've been doing well, but then the NATURE of the Monster power kicks in.

What is the nature, you say? Well, first and foremost, I'm ALWAYS hungry.

And no, not the kind of hungry that an all-you-can-eat buffet would satisfy. No, I hunger for living things. Things that will give me the aforementioned energy to use my powers. And, as I stated, people "fill" me the most AND give me the most energy.

And therein lies the dilemma. It's a classic case of nature vs. nurture. My nature as a Monster demands that I eat to receive the greatest energy while I, as a person, don't want to harm innocents. Plus, my own teammates would have a problem with it.

So what do I do? I go the route of any "good" vampire cliche and eat only animals and bad people. But the question of whether my hunger will one day overpower me still looms in the forefront of my character's mind, a nagging question of whether my own teammates will have to kill me to save themselves.

It's a hard life, but some monster's gotta do it.