Everyone has heard me mention the Friday and Saturday Amber games, run by Mikey and Pete respectively, before. I believe it bears repeating that the Amber games are a good test of mental acuity and lateral thinking, considering that there are no dice involved and anything you want to do you have to explain precisely how you want to do it...or face the consequences.
Of the two GMs, Pete is by far the tougher. By tougher, I mean that he expects more from the players "mental components" (sequences of thought and action that make our powers work). If you don't remember a detail out-of-game, you won't remember it IN-game. If you've slipped by on doing a simple power and forget how to do the mental component, and Pete asks you how its done, than you're fucked.
Now, there ARE stats in Amber. Those are basically how the GMs decide who the victor is in a particular conflict (though, other factors are taken into consideration). Each "power" grants its user a different set of stat boosts, basically optimizing the character for a particular role within the party. For example, Mages primarily get higher bonuses to their mental stats, making them (duh) suited for spellcasting and mental combat. Shapers and Monsters, on the other hand, primarily get higher bonuses to their strength and endurance. This makes them equipped to give and take a lot of close-combat damage.
SO...being only Monster in the party (and being the only Shaper before that), I take and have taken the most damage out of anyone in the party. And, for some inexplicable reason, I still haven't died from any of it.
With all that said, I think it would be fun to count off the top ten instances where I took the most damage, be it through combat or my own silliness. Here we go!
10. The time in which I transformed from a small-sized being into a larger-sized being, causing Ethiopian-ism
This one goes way back to my early Shaper days. I was experimenting with size, scaling and transformation at the time, and I wondered how quickly I could go from a small-ish sized creature (specifically, the size of a snake) to a large-ish sized creature (specifically, a human). What I discovered, much to my dismay was that such an exercise was POSSIBLE, but not practical. Upon completing the transformation, I found myself completely drained of energy which physically manifested in the form of being sickly thin. I was so weak that the other party members had to feed me like a child until I had regained enough energy to do it myself. Embarrassing and informative, to say the least.
Damage Factor: 3/10
Trauma Factor: 2/10
Pain Factor: 3/10
9. The time in which I went from a fully spiritual being into a fully physical being, causing Ethiopian-ism, and then eating myself
This instance is similar to the last one, but different for one crucial reason. We'll get to that in a moment.
To set the stage, I found myself engaged with various spirits that were looking to take my head. Obviously, I felt rather attached to my head, so I decided to fight back. However, spirits can't be attacked by the physical (unless they themselves were manifesting physically...which they weren't). However, as a Shaper, I had the ability to touch spiritual things as if they were physical. However, I either had forgotten this or wasn't aware yet. No no...instead I decided to shed my body like it was an out-of-style coat and turn into a completely spiritual creature to fight off the attacking spirits. I was successful, don't get me wrong, but when I turned back into a physical creature, the same sickly thin effect occurred. This time, however, I had a ready food supply: my previously discarded body.
Yes, that's right, I ate myself to get back some of the energy lost. Sometimes I sicken myself.
Damage Factor: 3/10
Trauma Factor: 4/10
Pain Factor: 3/10
8. The time in which I pushed a spaceship into a concentrated laser beam, going into the laser beam myself
This one is kinda fun.
We were attempting to free an imprisoned group of psychics from a coalition of various enemies including low men, stormtroopers, and can-toi. The stormtroopers, however, called in reinforcements in the form of a large starship above the town. One of the party members, aptly nicknamed Black Mike, had what was essentially a Green Lantern ring as his power and used it to generate a high intensity laser beam focused on the ship. I, meanwhile, had flown up there to engage it directly and saw this as a (clearly) perfect opportunity to be badass and push the damn ship clean through the laser beam. The one problem I came to discover was that I, myself, am not immune to laser beams. Fortunately, the warform that I was using was built to not feel pain, so I was essentially melting my entire body without feeling a lick of it.
Yet.
Oh...I felt it later...
Damage Factor: 4/10
Trauma Factor: 3/10
Pain Factor: 5/10
7. The time in which I tried to fix a powerful psychic that has a brain aneurysm, accidentally getting turned into a shoggoth
This actually took place prior to the above spaceship incident.
We were in a nearby cave planning our assault with some NPC psychics from the prison town. One of the psychics was both very powerful and very mentally handicapped. A combination of the two caused severe damage to his brain...damage that was killing him with every use of his powers. I, being the healer of the party as well as the meatshield, decided that I should fix him and make everyone happy. However, one quickly discovers that the feedback of a powerful psychic into a shapeshifter unexpectedly causes that shapeshifter to lose control and become, essentially, a rampaging shoggoth.
If you don't know what a shoggoth is, go look it up.
Anyway, I attacked the entire party, not knowing what I was doing, and managed to be saved by Mikey the mage.
Damage Factor: 2/10
Trauma Factor: 10/10
Pain Factor: 1/10
6. The time I rammed my head into the bottom of a ship while going Mach 1000
Ah, this is the first of the more recent incidences. Currently, I take the chosen form of an angel. On top of that, I have the ability to craft and cast spells. One spell I crafted was a speed-increasing spell that physically manifested as jetpack wings on my angelic form! It...was...AWESOME!
For those of you old-school cinema fans, I went plaid.
Anyway, I aimed my Mach Ridiculous attack at a nearby Logrus master and succeeded in exploding him into little chunks through the immense impact. However, I also found myself generally out of control due to a series of unfortunate...er...piloting missteps. Luckily, I have an Amberite on my side that can probability shift that I'll make it out okay, right?
Nope.
He dictates that I'll probably ram into that enemy ship sinking it. Which I do. And my neck breaks from doing it. Dick.
Damage Factor: 6/10
Trauma Factor: 5/10
Pain Factor: 3/10
5. The time in which I had to carry a box of explosives to the bottom of the sea while being assaulted by an Amberite
This one was toward the end of the first season arc.
We were on our way back to Amber to begin the final stretch of battles and adventures that would lead to the ultimate climax. However, we had to GET to Amber first. One particular obstacle stood in our way: Rebma.
Rebma is the underwater reflected city of Amber. The Amberite in charge of Rebma, Llewella, decides to send her forces against us. To counter this, we happen to have a box full of sodium (I think it was sodium...), which happens to explode violently when exposed to water. And we were fighting an underwater battle.
Hmm....so a plan is hatched where I would carry the box down to the Rebman base of operations while being protected by the other party members from the surface. The plan was to Trump (magical means of communication and transportation) me out when I delivered the package.
The plan worked, but not without me getting my ass handed to me constantly by Llewella the whoooole way down.
Damage Factor: 7/10
Trauma Factor: 3/10
Pain Factor: 7/10
4. The time in which I was exploded by Gepetto
This one is actually rather tame when compared to other things on this list. It wasn't particularly painful nor did it take a very long time to occur.
No, the reason this incident is on this list and at the number four slot is because of one simple reason: this was the only time that my physical body was outright destroyed against my will. It was the first and ONLY instance I can recall where my entire physical form was utterly annihilated. Fortunately, I discovered my reflexive escape route when that happened in that my spirit returned to its home world, the Garden, from which I was able to return.
However, that was the first time I feared dying in Pete's game.
Damage Factor: 10/10
Trauma Factor: 8/10
Pain Factor: 1/10
3. The time in which I accidentally exited the atmosphere and then re-entered it, forgetting about re-entry heat
Ah, this one is the most recent of the occurrences.
Fighting a trio of Logrus masters who were trying to summon an army of Chaosians through a Black Road they had formed, we decided that they couldn't be allowed to continue living. So, we assaulted them. One of the Logrus masters was creating a bridge between where they were and one of the world's moons. I honestly had no idea what she was trying to accomplish with this, but I've had bad experiences in the past where moons were dropped on me.
I decided I should sever whatever it was that she was doing.
So, I aimed for what, in my angel vision, appeared to be a ladder extending to the moon. Except that I was heading FOR the moon...a fact I did not realize until after I was out of the atmosphere. I decided this was a bad idea and that I should get back. Upon re-entering the atmosphere, I discover that the laws of re-entry still apply to me. Fortunately, I still had my handy angelic shield to act as a heat shield, right? Wrong. My shield...my metal ANGELIC shield...melted upon re-entry.
This whole incident left my angelic form scarred and my human body without skin.
Yum.
Damage Factor: 9/10
Trauma Factor: 6/10
Pain Factor: 7/10
2. The time in which I was impaled by Leviathan
Ah Leviathan...my other half.
Throughout the game, Leviathan has always been my enemy and/or rival. He has the same power as I do, but does it better. It's infuriating, I tell you. Back when we were enemies, Leviathan attacked Amber.
I saw this as an opportunity to finally prove myself the better and vanquish him once and for all. At that point, Gerard and everyone else had been wailing on Leviathan rather thoroughly, forcing the terrible beast to retreat. I, however, wasn't about to let that happen as I proceeded to jump onto his back and wail into him.
I wanted Leviathan dead because a) I was jealous that he was considered the better and b) he kept BOTHERING us. Seriously, everywhere we turned another of the evil cabal was there. It was getting tiresome and annoying. However, Leviathan had other plans than to let himself be skewered by the bird-snake as he proceeded to take his tail, which the end of which roughly the size of a giant boat anchor, and run me through. Normally, this would hurt me but not be enough to stop me.
No no...it was when he proceeded to rip his tail out through my side (with some assistance from me, of course) that I was down for the count.
Fortunately, I healed up, as I always do, and was back to battle a while later.
Damage Factor: 10/10
Trauma Factor: 8/10
Pain Factor: 9/10
1. The time in which a Logrus monster chewed my body and spirit to pieces, and then being "rescued" by teleportation through the realm of the dead
And we come to the final point.
The big one.
The one incident in all of Pete's Amber game that was the most damaging, the most incapacitating, the most traumatizing of all the experiences I've been through. This instance was so harmful to my character that I literally had to spend experience to undo the trauma, which I've never had to do before.
Here's what happened:
Our party was stationed in a city which we were defending from an incoming invasion of Chaosians. In the city's harbor was a Logrus master (the one mentioned above in the rocket angel entry) that was attacking the city with a giant Chaos squid thing. This being the most prevalent opponent at the time, I decided to take him on mano-e-mano. Flying out there, I quickly discovered that he was faster than me. Obviously, the solution to this was to make myself faster so I decided to do so...by crafting a spell in the middle of combat. Crafting a spell essentially makes me as vulnerable as a coma victim and the Chaos squid proceeded to rip me apart, eat me, chew me, etc etc.
Fortunately, my darling lady Julia, who plays a Necromancer, rescued me by teleporting me to safety....teleporting me THROUGH the realm of the dead to safety. Now, just saying that doesn't quite convey the sheer horror and disgusting nature of such a teleportation. You're essentially ripped through the land of the dead and your body, decayed and rotting and maggotty, REVERSE decays back to its whole form. And you FEEL all of it. So not only was my body and spirit rent asunder, but I was rescued in the most uncomfortable, horrifying, and grotesque fashion possible.
I spent only one experience point to repair the trauma I suffered from this incident, but even Pete admitted that I should've probably had to pay more.
Damage Factor: 10/10
Trauma Factor: 10/10
Pain Factor: 10/10
The things I do for my fellow party members...
The rantings of a gamer/writer/actor/slacker kinda guy who merely is looking for the purpose in life through these mediums.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wordslinging Critic Update
It's been a while, and I've been a slacker, but I have a few reviews coming up. Be on the look out for the following:
- Thor
- Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides
- Source Code
- Green Lantern
- Transformers 3
Always, thanks for reading/watching!
- Thor
- Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides
- Source Code
- Green Lantern
- Transformers 3
Always, thanks for reading/watching!
The Mystique of the "Old West"
I know...I know...it's been a while since I've posted. I've honestly been out of ideas and had little time to work on existing ones. However, I figured I'd post a little something to let everyone know that I'm still alive.
Now...onto the point of this article: the old west.
I LOVE the old west. When I was younger (my preteen days, to be exact), my father introduced me to the renowned western classics, the Man with No Name trilogy.
For those not initiated, the Man with No Name trilogy was the quintessential collection of old western/Clint Eastwood films. They included, in chronological order of release:
The plots of the movies vary slightly. The only part you're going to remember are that Clint Eastwood is a badass gunfighter with no legitimate name who ends up killing a lot of people with his badass gunfighting skills. This one common theme amongst the movies is normally wrapped in some semblance of a plot involving Clint Eastwood's character helping out a downtrodden town, hunting for treasure, etc. However, the core of the movies remains the same: old west gunfighting.
After my love of the old west was fostered by these three movies, I moved onto other memorable westerns. Unforgiven (1992), The Magnificent Seven (1960), Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), and other such films were included in my library. The spaghetti western became a staple of my cinematic diet.
As I grew and expanded my interests, I found there to be great deal of overlap between the western and other genres that interested me. Notably the cross between science fiction and western (in such shows like cult favored Firefly) and between steampunk and western (what is typically called the "weird west" genre).
Now, having been given a bit of my personal history with the old west as a genre, we can get into the meat and potatoes of this article.
The thing I find most fascinating about the western genre (or, at least, the film depictions of the western) is that it's essentially taking old tales of heroes and knights and putting them into a different setting. Swords are replaced by guns, knights are replaced by wandering gunslingers, and so on. Hell, one of my favorite movies of all time, Seven Samurai, was remade into a western, The Magnificent Seven, showing that even classic eastern tales can be converted into western format.
The fluidity and converting nature of the western is so encompassing, one could take any classic tale of heroism and turn it into a western (with a bit of tweaking, of course). On the other side of the coin, however, westerns themselves are easily adaptable to other genres as well, as was previously mentioned in this article. This dual-natured adaptation makes the western one of the most usable, yet still unique, genres out there.
Going back to my original comparison between westerns and tales of medieval knights, we come to the centerpiece of the western culture: the gun.
Very much like the legendary swords of yor, the old west gun has an identity all its own.Much like how well-known swords from fantasy stories/movies helped define and identify their owners, a famous gunslinger would oftentimes be identified by his firearm.
Though not a practical weapon from a certain standpoint, I still find myself drawn to the classic old west revolver. These were the guys that traversed one of the most dangerous sections of the world for its time with nothing more to protect themselves than six bullets. THAT's hardcore.
I personally find myself particularly drawn to the classic 1800s conversion revolver, like the Man With No Name's.
Now...onto the point of this article: the old west.
I LOVE the old west. When I was younger (my preteen days, to be exact), my father introduced me to the renowned western classics, the Man with No Name trilogy.
 |
| Badass |
- A Fistful of Dollars (1964)
- For a Few Dollars More (1965)
- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966)
The plots of the movies vary slightly. The only part you're going to remember are that Clint Eastwood is a badass gunfighter with no legitimate name who ends up killing a lot of people with his badass gunfighting skills. This one common theme amongst the movies is normally wrapped in some semblance of a plot involving Clint Eastwood's character helping out a downtrodden town, hunting for treasure, etc. However, the core of the movies remains the same: old west gunfighting.
After my love of the old west was fostered by these three movies, I moved onto other memorable westerns. Unforgiven (1992), The Magnificent Seven (1960), Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), and other such films were included in my library. The spaghetti western became a staple of my cinematic diet.
As I grew and expanded my interests, I found there to be great deal of overlap between the western and other genres that interested me. Notably the cross between science fiction and western (in such shows like cult favored Firefly) and between steampunk and western (what is typically called the "weird west" genre).
 |
| Western...IN SPAAAAAACE! |
The thing I find most fascinating about the western genre (or, at least, the film depictions of the western) is that it's essentially taking old tales of heroes and knights and putting them into a different setting. Swords are replaced by guns, knights are replaced by wandering gunslingers, and so on. Hell, one of my favorite movies of all time, Seven Samurai, was remade into a western, The Magnificent Seven, showing that even classic eastern tales can be converted into western format.
The fluidity and converting nature of the western is so encompassing, one could take any classic tale of heroism and turn it into a western (with a bit of tweaking, of course). On the other side of the coin, however, westerns themselves are easily adaptable to other genres as well, as was previously mentioned in this article. This dual-natured adaptation makes the western one of the most usable, yet still unique, genres out there.
Going back to my original comparison between westerns and tales of medieval knights, we come to the centerpiece of the western culture: the gun.
 |
| The sword of the western world |
Though not a practical weapon from a certain standpoint, I still find myself drawn to the classic old west revolver. These were the guys that traversed one of the most dangerous sections of the world for its time with nothing more to protect themselves than six bullets. THAT's hardcore.
I personally find myself particularly drawn to the classic 1800s conversion revolver, like the Man With No Name's.
It's got a sleak look to it, the same deadly visuals of a regular revolver, and a lot more style in my opinion than your average firearm.
Someday, maybe I can have a pair of six-shooters to call my own and I can ride off into the sunset after murdering a bunch of banditos.....*sigh* someday....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Yu-Gi-Oh: A Retrospective
I'll admit it.
I played Yu-Gi-Oh when I was in high school.
Yeah yeah...say what you will, but Yu-Gi-Oh was the thing to be into back in those days. Many would call Yu-Gi-Oh a watered down Magic the Gathering without the extensive history or immense catalog of usable cards, and maybe they're right, but Yu-Gi-Oh had its own charm.
Looking back on the old episodes of the original series, the cheesiness shines through like a diamond buried in shit, but the reason it was so popular is evident. Imagine yourself a child between the ages of 8-14 and you're watching these supposed teenagers (right...they looked like they were in their 20s but whatever...) skipping out on school regularly to not only play a card game, but save the very world itself BY playing a card game.
On top of all that, every match (or "duel" for those not in the know) seemed like it was the most epic experience imaginable. You had these players (or "duelists") screaming at each other and making each move like they were a Bond villain unveiling their master plan. This was rather clever because this presentation assured that those watching would completely forget that they were, when it boils down to it, playing a card game.
Honestly, rewatching the old episodes, I can't imagine how my younger self could even bare sitting through these episodes. They padded out every duel with a combination of explaining what each move in the duel was in excruciating detail, even more excruciating exposition about the power of friendship and faith in yourself, and constantly cutting away to characters not present.
Seriously, the show was almost as bad as DBZ as far as padding is concerned.
I'm finding myself quickly fast-forwarding through any bit that isn't the actual duel taking place in the episode. My older self seems only concerned with watching the epic bits with Yugi (the main protagonist) using his puberty powers to scream at his opponents.
I'm not even joking. The protagonist basically spends every duel screaming at his opponents. He screams what cards he's playing, he screams what each card does, he screams when the duel swings one way or the other, he screams when he realizes he's out of popsicles, he ALWAYS screams.
But I digress.
As I got older, the natural order of things took effect and I grew out of the playing the game and watching the show. Only now, many years later, when I sit here watching old episodes on Hulu, do these thoughts resurface. As a cartoon, it was the most marketable thing since Pokemon. Hell, I'm certain it even piggybacked OFF of Pokemon.
It also didn't help the prepubescent/early pubescent boys that watched the show that all the female main characters were essentially double-d super models.
So, the appeal doesn't just come from the "epic" feel of the program, though some of the things pictured above could very well be described as "epic".
These days, I go into my local game store (Tower of Games, located in Chesapeake, VA) and see guys my age playing the Yu-Gi-Oh card game with teenagers and I can only sigh. It's a clear picture of how far the average geek/gamer may or may not evolve over the course of his/her gaming life.
I suppose we all grow out of things someday, right?
I played Yu-Gi-Oh when I was in high school.
Looking back on the old episodes of the original series, the cheesiness shines through like a diamond buried in shit, but the reason it was so popular is evident. Imagine yourself a child between the ages of 8-14 and you're watching these supposed teenagers (right...they looked like they were in their 20s but whatever...) skipping out on school regularly to not only play a card game, but save the very world itself BY playing a card game.
On top of all that, every match (or "duel" for those not in the know) seemed like it was the most epic experience imaginable. You had these players (or "duelists") screaming at each other and making each move like they were a Bond villain unveiling their master plan. This was rather clever because this presentation assured that those watching would completely forget that they were, when it boils down to it, playing a card game.
 | |
| What we pictured when we played the card game... |
 |
| ...and what was actually happening. |
Seriously, the show was almost as bad as DBZ as far as padding is concerned.
I'm finding myself quickly fast-forwarding through any bit that isn't the actual duel taking place in the episode. My older self seems only concerned with watching the epic bits with Yugi (the main protagonist) using his puberty powers to scream at his opponents.
 |
| Pictured above: 95% of the show |
But I digress.
As I got older, the natural order of things took effect and I grew out of the playing the game and watching the show. Only now, many years later, when I sit here watching old episodes on Hulu, do these thoughts resurface. As a cartoon, it was the most marketable thing since Pokemon. Hell, I'm certain it even piggybacked OFF of Pokemon.
It also didn't help the prepubescent/early pubescent boys that watched the show that all the female main characters were essentially double-d super models.
 |
| ....shit! |
 |
| Holy... |
So, the appeal doesn't just come from the "epic" feel of the program, though some of the things pictured above could very well be described as "epic".
These days, I go into my local game store (Tower of Games, located in Chesapeake, VA) and see guys my age playing the Yu-Gi-Oh card game with teenagers and I can only sigh. It's a clear picture of how far the average geek/gamer may or may not evolve over the course of his/her gaming life.
I suppose we all grow out of things someday, right?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Television Limbo: Ways to Break the Between-Seasons Lull
And we've come to that point again in the year when most of my favorite television programs have ended and I have to endure a loooooong summer of having (mostly) nothing to watch.
Allow me to explain.
I don't watch a lot of television anymore. When I was a young boy of the Stupid Age, I was glued to the TV most times. I don't remember much of what I viewed, but I loved the idiot box like any child of my age would. As I grew older, however, the inevitable happened. My tastes refined, my cynicism grew, the programming degraded, and eventually I stopped using a television altogether.
No no, these days I just watch or retrieve the new episodes of whatever few shows I watch right off the internet. Honestly, I watch less than 10 shows that are currently still running and producing new episodes:
Eight.
Out of the countless programs that air on television, I only deem eight shows worthy of watching. I'm not trying to be a snob, come across as a snob, seem like a snob, but have all of you SEEN what's on television these days? It's pretty bad.
However, as any watcher of television that is more diligent than I can tell you, there comes a time every year when shows end for the season and there's a lull in programming. The sad truth is that that time has come for me. The only program that is currently continuing to air new episodes is Doctor Who. Now, while that is a worthy enough show by itself, one episode a week does not tide the writer/geek over enough.
So, this is a small list of things one can do to pass the time until the next season of your favorite shows begins:
#5 - Do Something Artistic
Do you think that that one scene from that one season from that one show you watch could have been done better? Think the storyarc of your favorite crime drama series was written by a bunch of drunk chimps huffing paint? Was the design of that one set/costume/whatever just terrible?
Well, try and do better! During this down time, pick up a pencil, pen, camera, camcorder, SOMETHING artistic and creative and see what you can do with it! It doesn't have to be Oscar-winning or the next Louvre masterpiece but dammit at least you're exercising that portion of your brain that you let rot over the last several months.
#4 - Go Fucking Outside
I can just hear all eight people that read my blog simultaneously laughing at this cliched suggestion.
Hear me out.
I'm not trying to call all of you overweight slobs that would prefer the comfort of your filtered light and ass-printed couch cushion (though some of you may be). No no...I'm merely saying that beyond your front door is a world full of exciting and affordable (sometimes free) things to do!
Go to a zoo! Go driving/walking around and go into any store/establishment that peaks your interest! Go ride a bike! Go walking in a park! Go to a local festival of some sort! Just do SOMETHING!
So many things go on around us that we ignore or miss out on because we spend more of our days indoors doing...whatever. It wouldn't hurt you (or me, at times) to get out there and see some of those things.
#3 - Make a New Friend
This one should be pretty obvious, but whatever. Sometimes we get into such a routine. Hanging out with the same people, doing the same things, going to the same places, that we never interact with anyone beyond our normal circles of friends.
This isn't healthy for a number of scientific reasons that I can't be bothered to share with all of you right now, but suffice it to say it's bad for you. That's why I encourage everyone to, once in a while, try to make a new friend. That guy you see every week at the bar but never talk to? That girl who always serves you coffee in the morning? Talk to them! You never know what interests you might share and what kind of friendship could be kindled by simply saying "hello".
#2 - Try a New Activity
This somewhat goes hand-in-hand with #4 and #3, but I believe it deserves it's own category for a few reasons. First, like #4, it involves going out and doing something. However, I'm encouraging you to find a new hobby or activity (like a sport, for example) and trying it out. You may not like it but, hell, you won't know until you try, right?
Second, like #3, it will break up the monotony of the routine we get ourselves into. You may not be tired of playing poker on Saturdays, but have you tried playing trivia in a new bar on Wednesdays? You may have your weekly game of baseball on Thursdays, but have you ever played in a weekly RPG?
Honestly, my opinion is that if you can't bring yourself to try anything new because you're so SURE that you won't like it without even giving it a chance, you're too close-minded to be reading my blog and need to leave immediately.
Seriously. Leave.
#1 - Read a Fucking Book
What's that? You miss your favorite television programs? And you hate human contact and going outside? Why, I have the solution for you, my friend! It's called....
A book!!
That's right, just like watching television, only better, a book provides you with an informative and/or narrative piece of literature that can entertain you for hours/days/weeks/whatever. The best part about this wonderful invention? You don't have to leave home to do it, there are no commercials, you can stop wherever you like and come right back to that place, and, best of all, there are literally millions upon millions of books in existence so you can rest assured that there's something out there for you.
Another great thing about reading a book is that it will stimulate that thing in your skull that is probably starving for exercise...y'know, your brain.
Just give it a try.
Allow me to explain.
I don't watch a lot of television anymore. When I was a young boy of the Stupid Age, I was glued to the TV most times. I don't remember much of what I viewed, but I loved the idiot box like any child of my age would. As I grew older, however, the inevitable happened. My tastes refined, my cynicism grew, the programming degraded, and eventually I stopped using a television altogether.
No no, these days I just watch or retrieve the new episodes of whatever few shows I watch right off the internet. Honestly, I watch less than 10 shows that are currently still running and producing new episodes:
- Doctor Who
- Glee
- Community
- Leverage
- Dexter
- Metalocalypse
- The Venture Brothers
Eight.
Out of the countless programs that air on television, I only deem eight shows worthy of watching. I'm not trying to be a snob, come across as a snob, seem like a snob, but have all of you SEEN what's on television these days? It's pretty bad.
However, as any watcher of television that is more diligent than I can tell you, there comes a time every year when shows end for the season and there's a lull in programming. The sad truth is that that time has come for me. The only program that is currently continuing to air new episodes is Doctor Who. Now, while that is a worthy enough show by itself, one episode a week does not tide the writer/geek over enough.
So, this is a small list of things one can do to pass the time until the next season of your favorite shows begins:
#5 - Do Something Artistic
Do you think that that one scene from that one season from that one show you watch could have been done better? Think the storyarc of your favorite crime drama series was written by a bunch of drunk chimps huffing paint? Was the design of that one set/costume/whatever just terrible?
Well, try and do better! During this down time, pick up a pencil, pen, camera, camcorder, SOMETHING artistic and creative and see what you can do with it! It doesn't have to be Oscar-winning or the next Louvre masterpiece but dammit at least you're exercising that portion of your brain that you let rot over the last several months.
#4 - Go Fucking Outside
I can just hear all eight people that read my blog simultaneously laughing at this cliched suggestion.
Hear me out.
I'm not trying to call all of you overweight slobs that would prefer the comfort of your filtered light and ass-printed couch cushion (though some of you may be). No no...I'm merely saying that beyond your front door is a world full of exciting and affordable (sometimes free) things to do!
Go to a zoo! Go driving/walking around and go into any store/establishment that peaks your interest! Go ride a bike! Go walking in a park! Go to a local festival of some sort! Just do SOMETHING!
So many things go on around us that we ignore or miss out on because we spend more of our days indoors doing...whatever. It wouldn't hurt you (or me, at times) to get out there and see some of those things.
#3 - Make a New Friend
This one should be pretty obvious, but whatever. Sometimes we get into such a routine. Hanging out with the same people, doing the same things, going to the same places, that we never interact with anyone beyond our normal circles of friends.
This isn't healthy for a number of scientific reasons that I can't be bothered to share with all of you right now, but suffice it to say it's bad for you. That's why I encourage everyone to, once in a while, try to make a new friend. That guy you see every week at the bar but never talk to? That girl who always serves you coffee in the morning? Talk to them! You never know what interests you might share and what kind of friendship could be kindled by simply saying "hello".
#2 - Try a New Activity
This somewhat goes hand-in-hand with #4 and #3, but I believe it deserves it's own category for a few reasons. First, like #4, it involves going out and doing something. However, I'm encouraging you to find a new hobby or activity (like a sport, for example) and trying it out. You may not like it but, hell, you won't know until you try, right?
Second, like #3, it will break up the monotony of the routine we get ourselves into. You may not be tired of playing poker on Saturdays, but have you tried playing trivia in a new bar on Wednesdays? You may have your weekly game of baseball on Thursdays, but have you ever played in a weekly RPG?
Honestly, my opinion is that if you can't bring yourself to try anything new because you're so SURE that you won't like it without even giving it a chance, you're too close-minded to be reading my blog and need to leave immediately.
Seriously. Leave.
#1 - Read a Fucking Book
What's that? You miss your favorite television programs? And you hate human contact and going outside? Why, I have the solution for you, my friend! It's called....
A book!!
That's right, just like watching television, only better, a book provides you with an informative and/or narrative piece of literature that can entertain you for hours/days/weeks/whatever. The best part about this wonderful invention? You don't have to leave home to do it, there are no commercials, you can stop wherever you like and come right back to that place, and, best of all, there are literally millions upon millions of books in existence so you can rest assured that there's something out there for you.
Another great thing about reading a book is that it will stimulate that thing in your skull that is probably starving for exercise...y'know, your brain.
Just give it a try.
The Evolution of Vampires
In my weekly, Saturday Amber game, I am about to take the transition into full-on Monster. I have chosen to commit myself to being a vampire of all things (let's face it, vampires have plenty of history, variation, and cause to fear). My decision to become a vampire was not a light one in that I literally wracked my brain for extended periods of time to pick what form I wanted to dedicate the rest of my eternity-long stretch as a Monster.
Vampire seemed acceptable.
Now, before my faithful readers start spouting out tired, hackneyed, and predictable Twilight jokes, allow me to clarify Pete's stance on such things. Pete is under the opinion that Twilight "vampires" are not, in fact, vampires. He has no actual definition for what they are but considering they don't follow several core rules of vampire mythos, his opinion stands. At least it does within the confines of his game.
That being said, I took some time to consider vampires over the course of their long and detailed history. As I was doing this, a revelation came upon me (with some inspiration from a Cracked.com video):
Nobody wants to kill vampires anymore in today's culture, but rather people want to sleep with them. Now, this may not seem like a huge revelation to most of you, but you have to delve deeper into WHY this change occurred. What, over the course of a mere decade, caused the general populace to stop fearing these creatures of the night and instead start lusting after them.
Now, firstly, I'm not saying that vampires weren't lusted after before the last decade or so began. No no no...far from it. It's well-known that popular writers like Anne Rice have sexualized vampires gratuitously since the mid-70s onward. However, I AM stating that it seems the overall feel of vampires has shifted SIGNIFICANTLY MORE toward this sexualization and away from the horror in the last decade or so.
I'm flat-out stating that, at some point, people stopped fearing this:
And instead started lusting after this:
or this...
...or this...
So why has this change occurred? What is it about vampires that people suddenly find irresistibly attractive instead of repulsive?
Well, first and foremost, to use the above example, vampires have slowly transitioned visually from the deformed monstrosities style into the sexy-humans-with-tanning-problems style. Seriously, two of the above fuckers look more pale than an albino Irishman.
Or maybe it's the fact that any sort of lasting relationship with these creatures of the night would be impossible short of them chomping on your neck and turning you into one of their own. Perhaps women are drawn to the unobtainable aspect of vampires in that, they may have them for a short period of time (re: short=lifetime for the girl) but they won't grow old and die together. Does that appeal to women these days?
Girl: Oh, you're so mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm a vampire
Girl: Oh, that just makes you even MORE mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm going to outlive you by a longshot
Girl: Oh, take me away super mysterious and handsome man!
Vampire: No, seriously, I'm going to still look twenty-something while you're 80
And how does this prospect even appeal to the vampire?? As I just stated, the vampire would still look 20-something while the love of his life would literally be 80. I understand the concept of love conquering all boundaries be they time, space, age, etc. but I assume even vampires have standards! If I were a vampire and I decided to spend a lifetime with a girl, no amount of love would make my handsome chiseled ass cuddle up with a wrinkly old woman.
No offense, I just don't see that as realistic, y'know?
Maaaaaybe it's a sexual thing. I mean...vampires across the board share the mythos of superior strength, speed, stamina, glaring power, etc. Maybe the women just see a vampire, and think to themselves "I'm dating a bodybuilder and THAT guy could still kick his ass. I want to get fucked by THAT guy!"
I'm certain women don't think QUITE like that, but you get the idea.
It makes sense though. From a purely physical standpoint, vampires are superior to normal men and would therefore be better equipped to pleasure a woman, from certain standpoints. I haven't heard of any mythos where vampires are also gifted with larger members, but what do I know? I've never been a vampire.
Wait wait wait...I'm completely overlooking the maturity issues here. Women oftentimes like older guys. Some say it's for the maturity while others are just dirty gold-diggers looking for some elderly cash, but either way, vampires still appeal to the age aspect. I mean, if that 20-something-year-old girl finds herself in a phase where she wants to date an older man, for whatever reason, don't you think she would like the prospect of a 200-year-old vampire WITH an ageLESS chiseled body to go with it? I'd say so.
All in all, it's clear that there are many possible reasons for the transition of vampires from horror monster to sexual monster. But how did this all start?
Well, that's an easy one.
Fanfiction. Some sickos OBVIOUSLY started writing stories about being "sucked dry" by vampires and that shit caught like wildfire. Romance novel writers get PAID churning out shit like that. It just so happened that a few of those cheap romance novelists inexplicably and undeservingly hit it big.
*cough*StephenieMeyer*cough*
Ah well....hopefully at some point in the future, we'll come full circle and vampires will return to the terrible and feared monsters that they once were. Until then, we sane folk will just have to endure the tide.
Vampire seemed acceptable.
Now, before my faithful readers start spouting out tired, hackneyed, and predictable Twilight jokes, allow me to clarify Pete's stance on such things. Pete is under the opinion that Twilight "vampires" are not, in fact, vampires. He has no actual definition for what they are but considering they don't follow several core rules of vampire mythos, his opinion stands. At least it does within the confines of his game.
That being said, I took some time to consider vampires over the course of their long and detailed history. As I was doing this, a revelation came upon me (with some inspiration from a Cracked.com video):
Nobody wants to kill vampires anymore in today's culture, but rather people want to sleep with them. Now, this may not seem like a huge revelation to most of you, but you have to delve deeper into WHY this change occurred. What, over the course of a mere decade, caused the general populace to stop fearing these creatures of the night and instead start lusting after them.
Now, firstly, I'm not saying that vampires weren't lusted after before the last decade or so began. No no no...far from it. It's well-known that popular writers like Anne Rice have sexualized vampires gratuitously since the mid-70s onward. However, I AM stating that it seems the overall feel of vampires has shifted SIGNIFICANTLY MORE toward this sexualization and away from the horror in the last decade or so.
I'm flat-out stating that, at some point, people stopped fearing this:
And instead started lusting after this:
or this...
...or this...
So why has this change occurred? What is it about vampires that people suddenly find irresistibly attractive instead of repulsive?
Well, first and foremost, to use the above example, vampires have slowly transitioned visually from the deformed monstrosities style into the sexy-humans-with-tanning-problems style. Seriously, two of the above fuckers look more pale than an albino Irishman.
Or maybe it's the fact that any sort of lasting relationship with these creatures of the night would be impossible short of them chomping on your neck and turning you into one of their own. Perhaps women are drawn to the unobtainable aspect of vampires in that, they may have them for a short period of time (re: short=lifetime for the girl) but they won't grow old and die together. Does that appeal to women these days?
Girl: Oh, you're so mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm a vampire
Girl: Oh, that just makes you even MORE mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm going to outlive you by a longshot
Girl: Oh, take me away super mysterious and handsome man!
Vampire: No, seriously, I'm going to still look twenty-something while you're 80
And how does this prospect even appeal to the vampire?? As I just stated, the vampire would still look 20-something while the love of his life would literally be 80. I understand the concept of love conquering all boundaries be they time, space, age, etc. but I assume even vampires have standards! If I were a vampire and I decided to spend a lifetime with a girl, no amount of love would make my handsome chiseled ass cuddle up with a wrinkly old woman.
No offense, I just don't see that as realistic, y'know?
Maaaaaybe it's a sexual thing. I mean...vampires across the board share the mythos of superior strength, speed, stamina, glaring power, etc. Maybe the women just see a vampire, and think to themselves "I'm dating a bodybuilder and THAT guy could still kick his ass. I want to get fucked by THAT guy!"
I'm certain women don't think QUITE like that, but you get the idea.
It makes sense though. From a purely physical standpoint, vampires are superior to normal men and would therefore be better equipped to pleasure a woman, from certain standpoints. I haven't heard of any mythos where vampires are also gifted with larger members, but what do I know? I've never been a vampire.
Wait wait wait...I'm completely overlooking the maturity issues here. Women oftentimes like older guys. Some say it's for the maturity while others are just dirty gold-diggers looking for some elderly cash, but either way, vampires still appeal to the age aspect. I mean, if that 20-something-year-old girl finds herself in a phase where she wants to date an older man, for whatever reason, don't you think she would like the prospect of a 200-year-old vampire WITH an ageLESS chiseled body to go with it? I'd say so.
All in all, it's clear that there are many possible reasons for the transition of vampires from horror monster to sexual monster. But how did this all start?
Well, that's an easy one.
Fanfiction. Some sickos OBVIOUSLY started writing stories about being "sucked dry" by vampires and that shit caught like wildfire. Romance novel writers get PAID churning out shit like that. It just so happened that a few of those cheap romance novelists inexplicably and undeservingly hit it big.
*cough*StephenieMeyer*cough*
Ah well....hopefully at some point in the future, we'll come full circle and vampires will return to the terrible and feared monsters that they once were. Until then, we sane folk will just have to endure the tide.
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