Tabletop Character Theme Songs!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back! I know it's been MONTHS (fucking MONTHS, for fuck's sake!) since I posted but I'm back now and hopefully will be putting up new content on a slightly more consistent basis!

My punishment will be swift

All of that being said, this particular article was inspired by a late night evening with my roomie and best buddy Wes. I was keeping Wes up with talks of the various roleplaying games that we were in at the time or previously. This conversation, as per usual, led to a discussion of our favorite characters. This, in turn, led to a discussion about what the theme songs for our characters would be.

Me, being the type of gamer that I am, had already picked out theme songs for some of my favorite characters. This is a brief list of theme songs that I had chosen for my own characters or my friends characters.

Should be fun, right?

• The Shaper - (Amber)

If any of you are long-time readers of mine (I use the term "long-time" loosely, in this case) than you may recall my mentioning of Amber and my characters from them. Specifically, my Shaper character. A quick recap of the character - the Shaper was me with the power to turn into any living thing. Specifically, my specialty was the form of the feathered serpent. The downside to this was, of course, losing myself in the animal mind and giving in to darker, more primal urges.

Therefore, the song I choose for this character is:

• The Monster (pre-angel) - (Amber)

Going along the same Amber train of thought, I figured I'd do pre-angel Monster me. This character was Shaper me at a later time with a different power. I had acquired the terrible destructive power of the Monster, but hadn't chosen a form yet. The downside to this power was this terrible hunger inside of myself that kept gnawing at me if I didn't feed it. Humans tended to satiate it the best.

Therefore, I believe this song choice is best. Sidenote - Wes actually picked this one. I approve of his selecting abilities:

• The Monster (post-angel) - (Amber)

Okay, okay...this is my last Amber entry until later. This is the same character as above, but I had chosen the form of a rakasha, an unbound angel. I did so so that I could use the power responsibly without compromising my morals.

This in mind, I chose this song:

• Pak-cha - (Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 ed)

I can't recall if I've ever mentioned Pak-cha before in my blog, which is strange because he's my favorite character that I ever breathed fictional life into. Ah, well. Pak-cha was part of an evil party of evil goddess worshippers. He started out as a mindless bodyguard and, by the end of the campaign, had worked his way up to becoming his goddess's champion. He was lethal, brutal, and almost unbeatable in one-on-one melee combat. He was LITERALLY the heavy-hitter and he heavy-hitted often.

I believe this song does him the justice he deserves:

 Before I continue, I feel the need to share the theme songs for the remaining members of this campaign's party. We each actually picked our own themes and I recorded all of theme. I won't go into detail about each specific character, but I'm sure you can get a general idea of the tone from the collection.

Xeahvyn’s Theme  – Animal I Have Become (totally ripped this off from her, I admit)

Bruce’s Theme – Bat Out of Hell

Tsiona’s Theme – Devil’s Daughter

Tailoc’s Theme – Bard’s Song

Greth’s Theme – Bodies

Korn’s Theme – Headstrong

Razgriz’s Theme – Go Into the Water

Kee’ari-Uh’s Theme – Master of Puppets

Darkmane’s Theme – Castratikron

• Wires - (Shadowrun)

Wires was another of my all-time favorite characters. He was an all-powerful technomancer (re. magic hacker) in a world almost entirely run by data and electronics. He was an essential asset to the shadowrunning (re. mercenary) team that he was a part of and could do almost anything in his niche without fail. Even the other players marveled at how ridiculously effective this character was. This all being said, he was essentially useless in the real world. However, that never stopped him from doing his job and putting his life on the line to get his part done for the team.

It actually took me a while to find this song, but I believe it's the most fitting:

• Bones - (Shadowrun)

Now, we've finally left my own characters (egotistical asshole that I am) and have moved onto my friends' characters. Bones, Wes's character, was an orc-oni adept (re. Japanese demon orc physical-mage) in the same game that Wires from above was in. Both characters were completely different from each other. Where Wires was serious, Bones was carefree. Where Wires was physically weak, Bones was physically powerful. Where Wires was vastly intelligent, Bones was...lacking. However, Bones was the heaviest hitter of our shadowrunning team and proved it on a number of occasions.

Because of his Japanese origin, carefree and upbeat attitude, and general badassery, I chose this song for Bones (Wes approved):

• Lei Sheng - (Shadowrun)

ONE more Shadowrun character for the list...list one, again, is from the same game as Bones and Wires. This character belonged to our friend Jim and was a Chinese combat mage that knew kungfu. I don't believe I need to say more than that.

Here's the song:

I'm sure I could think of songs for more of my own characters or characters belonging to other friends of mine, but I'm mainly sticking to ones that jumped out at me. Or ones that I'd had in my head for a while.

Okay, I'm just lazy.

However, I did come up with a few group theme songs. Here we go!

• Shadowrunning Team Theme

This was chosen by Wes and myself for our team in the Shadowrun game. We felt it appropriate seeing how both we viewed our team/characters and our characters viewed the team as unbeatable. Up to that point in the campaign, we might as well have been. Nothing had stopped us and nothing had slowed us down.

Therefore, the clear choice was:

• Amber Party Theme

This one is actually a funny story. Julia, my now ex, was playing in our Amber game at the time and she was an artist/animator. She had this idea that her and I would surprise the party with an animated "opening" to the Amber game, as if it were an animated show. I loved the idea and worked with her toward it. Unfortunately, her and I parted ways before the project was completed but NOT before I picked out the music we were to use.

I give you...that music:

And that's all I have for now, intrepid readers! If I come up with more, I might do another of these for my own amusement. For now, however, this is a pretty comprehensive list covering my favorite characters and games. 

I hope you enjoyed reading it and promise to work on bringing new material back to the blog!

Top 10 Reasons Why I'm the Meatshield in the Saturday Amber Game

Everyone has heard me mention the Friday and Saturday Amber games, run by Mikey and Pete respectively, before. I believe it bears repeating that the Amber games are a good test of mental acuity and lateral thinking, considering that there are no dice involved and anything you want to do you have to explain precisely how you want to do it...or face the consequences.

Of the two GMs, Pete is by far the tougher. By tougher, I mean that he expects more from the players "mental components" (sequences of thought and action that make our powers work). If you don't remember a detail out-of-game, you won't remember it IN-game. If you've slipped by on doing a simple power and forget how to do the mental component, and Pete asks you how its done, than you're fucked.

Now, there ARE stats in Amber. Those are basically how the GMs decide who the victor is in a particular conflict (though, other factors are taken into consideration). Each "power" grants its user a different set of stat boosts, basically optimizing the character for a particular role within the party. For example, Mages primarily get higher bonuses to their mental stats, making them (duh) suited for spellcasting and mental combat. Shapers and Monsters, on the other hand, primarily get higher bonuses to their strength and endurance. This makes them equipped to give and take a lot of close-combat damage.

SO...being only Monster in the party (and being the only Shaper before that), I take and have taken the most damage out of anyone in the party. And, for some inexplicable reason, I still haven't died from any of it.

With all that said, I think it would be fun to count off the top ten instances where I took the most damage, be it through combat or my own silliness. Here we go!

10. The time in which I transformed from a small-sized being into a larger-sized being, causing Ethiopian-ism

This one goes way back to my early Shaper days. I was experimenting with size, scaling and transformation at the time, and I wondered how quickly I could go from a small-ish sized creature (specifically, the size of a snake) to a large-ish sized creature (specifically, a human). What I discovered, much to my dismay was that such an exercise was POSSIBLE, but not practical. Upon completing the transformation, I found myself completely drained of energy which physically manifested in the form of being sickly thin. I was so weak that the other party members had to feed me like a child until I had regained enough energy to do it myself. Embarrassing and informative, to say the least.

Damage Factor: 3/10
Trauma Factor: 2/10
Pain Factor: 3/10

9. The time in which I went from a fully spiritual being into a fully physical being, causing Ethiopian-ism, and then eating myself

This instance is similar to the last one, but different for one crucial reason. We'll get to that in a moment.

To set the stage, I found myself engaged with various spirits that were looking to take my head. Obviously, I felt rather attached to my head, so I decided to fight back. However, spirits can't be attacked by the physical (unless they themselves were manifesting physically...which they weren't). However, as a Shaper, I had the ability to touch spiritual things as if they were physical. However, I either had forgotten this or wasn't aware yet. No no...instead I decided to shed my body like it was an out-of-style coat and turn into a completely spiritual creature to fight off the attacking spirits. I was successful, don't get me wrong, but when I turned back into a physical creature, the same sickly thin effect occurred. This time, however, I had a ready food supply: my previously discarded body.

Yes, that's right, I ate myself to get back some of the energy lost. Sometimes I sicken myself.

Damage Factor: 3/10
Trauma Factor: 4/10
Pain Factor: 3/10

8. The time in which I pushed a spaceship into a concentrated laser beam, going into the laser beam myself

This one is kinda fun.

We were attempting to free an imprisoned group of psychics from a coalition of various enemies including low men, stormtroopers, and can-toi. The stormtroopers, however, called in reinforcements in the form of a large starship above the town. One of the party members, aptly nicknamed Black Mike, had what was essentially a Green Lantern ring as his power and used it to generate a high intensity laser beam focused on the ship. I, meanwhile, had flown up there to engage it directly and saw this as a (clearly) perfect opportunity to be badass and push the damn ship clean through the laser beam. The one problem I came to discover was that I, myself, am not immune to laser beams. Fortunately, the warform that I was using was built to not feel pain, so I was essentially melting my entire body without feeling a lick of it.

Yet.

Oh...I felt it later...

Damage Factor: 4/10
Trauma Factor: 3/10
Pain Factor: 5/10

7. The time in which I tried to fix a powerful psychic that has a brain aneurysm, accidentally getting turned into a shoggoth

This actually took place prior to the above spaceship incident.

We were in a nearby cave planning our assault with some NPC psychics from the prison town. One of the psychics was both very powerful and very mentally handicapped. A combination of the two caused severe damage to his brain...damage that was killing him with every use of his powers. I, being the healer of the party as well as the meatshield, decided that I should fix him and make everyone happy. However, one quickly discovers that the feedback of a powerful psychic into a shapeshifter unexpectedly causes that shapeshifter to lose control and become, essentially, a rampaging shoggoth.

If you don't know what a shoggoth is, go look it up.

Anyway, I attacked the entire party, not knowing what I was doing, and managed to be saved by Mikey the mage.

Damage Factor: 2/10
Trauma Factor: 10/10
Pain Factor: 1/10

6. The time I rammed my head into the bottom of a ship while going Mach 1000

Ah, this is the first of the more recent incidences. Currently, I take the chosen form of an angel. On top of that, I have the ability to craft and cast spells. One spell I crafted was a speed-increasing spell that physically manifested as jetpack wings on my angelic form! It...was...AWESOME!

For those of you old-school cinema fans, I went plaid.

Anyway, I aimed my Mach Ridiculous attack at a nearby Logrus master and succeeded in exploding him into little chunks through the immense impact. However, I also found myself generally out of control due to a series of unfortunate...er...piloting missteps. Luckily, I have an Amberite on my side that can probability shift that I'll make it out okay, right?

Nope.

He dictates that I'll probably ram into that enemy ship sinking it. Which I do. And my neck breaks from doing it. Dick.

Damage Factor: 6/10
Trauma Factor: 5/10
Pain Factor: 3/10

5. The time in which I had to carry a box of explosives to the bottom of the sea while being assaulted by an Amberite

This one was toward the end of the first season arc.

We were on our way back to Amber to begin the final stretch of battles and adventures that would lead to the ultimate climax. However, we had to GET to Amber first. One particular obstacle stood in our way: Rebma.

Rebma is the underwater reflected city of Amber. The Amberite in charge of Rebma, Llewella, decides to send her forces against us. To counter this, we happen to have a box full of sodium (I think it was sodium...), which happens to explode violently when exposed to water. And we were fighting an underwater battle.

Hmm....so a plan is hatched where I would carry the box down to the Rebman base of operations while being protected by the other party members from the surface. The plan was to Trump (magical means of communication and transportation) me out when I delivered the package.

The plan worked, but not without me getting my ass handed to me constantly by Llewella the whoooole way down.

Damage Factor: 7/10
Trauma Factor: 3/10
Pain Factor: 7/10

4. The time in which I was exploded by Gepetto

This one is actually rather tame when compared to other things on this list. It wasn't particularly painful nor did it take a very long time to occur.

No, the reason this incident is on this list and at the number four slot is because of one simple reason: this was the only time that my physical body was outright destroyed against my will. It was the first and ONLY instance I can recall where my entire physical form was utterly annihilated. Fortunately, I discovered my reflexive escape route when that happened in that my spirit returned to its home world, the Garden, from which I was able to return.

However, that was the first time I feared dying in Pete's game.

Damage Factor: 10/10
Trauma Factor: 8/10
Pain Factor: 1/10

3. The time in which I accidentally exited the atmosphere and then re-entered it, forgetting about re-entry heat

Ah, this one is the most recent of the occurrences.

Fighting a trio of Logrus masters who were trying to summon an army of Chaosians through a Black Road they had formed, we decided that they couldn't be allowed to continue living. So, we assaulted them. One of the Logrus masters was creating a bridge between where they were and one of the world's moons. I honestly had no idea what she was trying to accomplish with this, but I've had bad experiences in the past where moons were dropped on me.

I decided I should sever whatever it was that she was doing.

So, I aimed for what, in my angel vision, appeared to be a ladder extending to the moon. Except that I was heading FOR the moon...a fact I did not realize until after I was out of the atmosphere. I decided this was a bad idea and that I should get back. Upon re-entering the atmosphere, I discover that the laws of re-entry still apply to me. Fortunately, I still had my handy angelic shield to act as a heat shield, right? Wrong. My shield...my metal ANGELIC shield...melted upon re-entry.

This whole incident left my angelic form scarred and my human body without skin.

Yum.

Damage Factor: 9/10
Trauma Factor: 6/10
Pain Factor: 7/10

2. The time in which I was impaled by Leviathan

Ah Leviathan...my other half.

Throughout the game, Leviathan has always been my enemy and/or rival. He has the same power as I do, but does it better. It's infuriating, I tell you. Back when we were enemies, Leviathan attacked Amber.

I saw this as an opportunity to finally prove myself the better and vanquish him once and for all. At that point, Gerard and everyone else had been wailing on Leviathan rather thoroughly, forcing the terrible beast to retreat. I, however, wasn't about to let that happen as I proceeded to jump onto his back and wail into him.

I wanted Leviathan dead because a) I was jealous that he was considered the better and b) he kept BOTHERING us. Seriously, everywhere we turned another of the evil cabal was there. It was getting tiresome and annoying. However, Leviathan had other plans than to let himself be skewered by the bird-snake as he proceeded to take his tail, which the end of which roughly the size of a giant boat anchor, and run me through. Normally, this would hurt me but not be enough to stop me.

No no...it was when he proceeded to rip his tail out through my side (with some assistance from me, of course) that I was down for the count.

Fortunately, I healed up, as I always do, and was back to battle a while later.

Damage Factor: 10/10
Trauma Factor: 8/10
Pain Factor: 9/10

1. The time in which a Logrus monster chewed my body and spirit to pieces, and then being "rescued" by teleportation through the realm of the dead

And we come to the final point.

The big one.

The one incident in all of Pete's Amber game that was the most damaging, the most incapacitating, the most traumatizing of all the experiences I've been through. This instance was so harmful to my character that I literally had to spend experience to undo the trauma, which I've never had to do before.

Here's what happened:

Our party was stationed in a city which we were defending from an incoming invasion of Chaosians. In the city's harbor was a Logrus master (the one mentioned above in the rocket angel entry) that was attacking the city with a giant Chaos squid thing. This being the most prevalent opponent at the time, I decided to take him on mano-e-mano. Flying out there, I quickly discovered that he was faster than me. Obviously, the solution to this was to make myself faster so I decided to do so...by crafting a spell in the middle of combat. Crafting a spell essentially makes me as vulnerable as a coma victim and the Chaos squid proceeded to rip me apart, eat me, chew me, etc etc.

Fortunately, my darling lady Julia, who plays a Necromancer, rescued me by teleporting me to safety....teleporting me THROUGH the realm of the dead to safety. Now, just saying that doesn't quite convey the sheer horror and disgusting nature of such a teleportation. You're essentially ripped through the land of the dead and your body, decayed and rotting and maggotty, REVERSE decays back to its whole form. And you FEEL all of it. So not only was my body and spirit rent asunder, but I was rescued in the most uncomfortable, horrifying, and grotesque fashion possible.

I spent only one experience point to repair the trauma I suffered from this incident, but even Pete admitted that I should've probably had to pay more.

Damage Factor: 10/10
Trauma Factor: 10/10
Pain Factor: 10/10

The things I do for my fellow party members...

Television Limbo: Ways to Break the Between-Seasons Lull

And we've come to that point again in the year when most of my favorite television programs have ended and I have to endure a loooooong summer of having (mostly) nothing to watch.

Allow me to explain.

I don't watch a lot of television anymore. When I was a young boy of the Stupid Age, I was glued to the TV most times. I don't remember much of what I viewed, but I loved the idiot box like any child of my age would. As I grew older, however, the inevitable happened. My tastes refined, my cynicism grew, the programming degraded, and eventually I stopped using a television altogether.

No no, these days I just watch or retrieve the new episodes of whatever few shows I watch right off the internet. Honestly, I watch less than 10 shows that are currently still running and producing new episodes:

• Doctor Who
• Glee
• Community
• Leverage
• Dexter
• Metalocalypse
• The Venture Brothers

 That's IT. I've been considering adding the new Game of Thrones series to my collection, but I haven't decided. So, even with the Games of Thrones series, that is only eight programs.

Eight.

Out of the countless programs that air on television, I only deem eight shows worthy of watching. I'm not trying to be a snob, come across as a snob, seem like a snob, but have all of you SEEN what's on television these days? It's pretty bad.

However, as any watcher of television that is more diligent than I can tell you, there comes a time every year when shows end for the season and there's a lull in programming. The sad truth is that that time has come for me. The only program that is currently continuing to air new episodes is Doctor Who. Now, while that is a worthy enough show by itself, one episode a week does not tide the writer/geek over enough.

So, this is a small list of things one can do to pass the time until the next season of your favorite shows begins:

#5 - Do Something Artistic

Do you think that that one scene from that one season from that one show you watch could have been done better? Think the storyarc of your favorite crime drama series was written by a bunch of drunk chimps huffing paint? Was the design of that one set/costume/whatever just terrible?

Well, try and do better! During this down time, pick up a pencil, pen, camera, camcorder, SOMETHING artistic and creative and see what you can do with it! It doesn't have to be Oscar-winning or the next Louvre masterpiece but dammit at least you're exercising that portion of your brain that you let rot over the last several months.


#4 - Go Fucking Outside

I can just hear all eight people that read my blog simultaneously laughing at this cliched suggestion.

Hear me out.

I'm not trying to call all of you overweight slobs that would prefer the comfort of your filtered light and ass-printed couch cushion (though some of you may be). No no...I'm merely saying that beyond your front door is a world full of exciting and affordable (sometimes free) things to do!

Go to a zoo! Go driving/walking around and go into any store/establishment that peaks your interest! Go ride a bike! Go walking in a park! Go to a local festival of some sort! Just do SOMETHING!

So many things go on around us that we ignore or miss out on because we spend more of our days indoors doing...whatever. It wouldn't hurt you (or me, at times) to get out there and see some of those things.

#3 - Make a New Friend

This one should be pretty obvious, but whatever. Sometimes we get into such a routine. Hanging out with the same people, doing the same things, going to the same places, that we never interact with anyone beyond our normal circles of friends.

This isn't healthy for a number of scientific reasons that I can't be bothered to share with all of you right now, but suffice it to say it's bad for you. That's why I encourage everyone to, once in a while, try to make a new friend. That guy you see every week at the bar but never talk to? That girl who always serves you coffee in the morning? Talk to them! You never know what interests you might share and what kind of friendship could be kindled by simply saying "hello".


#2 - Try a New Activity

This somewhat goes hand-in-hand with #4 and #3, but I believe it deserves it's own category for a few reasons. First, like #4, it involves going out and doing something. However, I'm encouraging you to find a new hobby or activity (like a sport, for example) and trying it out. You may not like it but, hell, you won't know until you try, right?

Second, like #3, it will break up the monotony of the routine we get ourselves into. You may not be tired of playing poker on Saturdays, but have you tried playing trivia in a new bar on Wednesdays? You may have your weekly game of baseball on Thursdays, but have you ever played in a weekly RPG?

Honestly, my opinion is that if you can't bring yourself to try anything new because you're so SURE that you won't like it without even giving it a chance, you're too close-minded to be reading my blog and need to leave immediately.

Seriously. Leave.

#1 - Read a Fucking Book

What's that? You miss your favorite television programs? And you hate human contact and going outside? Why, I have the solution for you, my friend! It's called....

A book!!

That's right, just like watching television, only better, a book provides you with an informative and/or narrative piece of literature that can entertain you for hours/days/weeks/whatever. The best part about this wonderful invention? You don't have to leave home to do it, there are no commercials, you can stop wherever you like and come right back to that place, and, best of all, there are literally millions upon millions of books in existence so you can rest assured that there's something out there for you.

Another great thing about reading a book is that it will stimulate that thing in your skull that is probably starving for exercise...y'know, your brain.

Just give it a try.

Top 6 Alternative Spider-Man Costumes

Spider-Man. He's my all-time favorite superhero. Period. The end.

No amount of bad stories, poor writing decisions, ridiculous artwork, or terrible movies will make my love of the ol' webhead diminish. He's also one of the most recognizable superheroes in today's media (following, more than likely, Batman and *cough*Superman*cough*).

I mean, EVERYONE recognizes the red and blue tights! The web design! The huge eyes! No one would look at Spidey and think "Hey, it's (insert name of some OTHER hero here)" because it just doesn't happen.

However, Spidey (and others with the Spider persona) have donned various other costumes throughout the Spider-Man history. Several were....pretty horrible. A good handful were, however, very very cool and a, in my opinion, a welcome change from the traditional duds.

And here, I'll countdown the top 6 alternative costumes that Spidey (and Spidey people) have worn.

#6: The Amazing/Bombastic Bag-Man

Only seen once each, Bag-Man has become almost synonymous with Spidey forgetting/not having his costume. Improvisation is the key to success, as some say, and the web-head is not a stranger to this tactic.

The first instance was when he left his symbiotic black costume with the Fantastic Four to study and forgot to bring a spare to wear home. The FF was nice enough to lend him a spare suit and a handy paper bag for his face (not to mention a nice "Kick Me" sign provided by the Human Torch).

The second instant was when he was caught in a criminal situation, again, without his suit. Not willing to let the bad guys go, he donned another trusty paper bag (as well as stripping off his shirt) and going to town on them.

The Bag-Man persona shows us not only that Spidey refuses to let the lack of a costume stop him from doing what's right, but also that he has a sense of humor about himself. Willing to lampoon himself (sometimes begrudgingly or unknowingly, but still), Spidey gave us all laughs when he donned those bags.


#5: Blood Spider

Blood Spider is just a BADASS name. His costume, though having some slight design flaws and color scheme issues, is equally badass.

In one of Spidey's stories, the Red Skull and Taskmaster made a copy of Spider-Man (everyone was doing it, so why not them?) and gave him a costume similar to the black symbiote costume. Add in a web tank on the back and suction cups on the hands and feet, and you suddenly have your own web-head copy (not that there weren't enough running around, am I right guys?)

Now, the loose wires going from the tank to the shooters on the hands were a rather...er...poor aesthetic choice and I'm not crazy about the yellow color scheme (more a fan of the red and dark blue/black, really), but what better way to strike fear into your enemy than to send a clone of himself (there's that word...).


#4: Cosmic Spider-Man

What happens when you give our favorite wall-crawler incredible, godlike power? He changes his clothes, of course!

During a lab accident, Spidey was temporarily granted the Uni-Power (the powers of Captain Universe, for you unenlightened out there). The Uni-Power granted him advanced senses, even greater strength, telekinesis, and a kick ass costume!

I mean, seriously, if I was a villain and saw Spider-Man show up in THAT costume, I'd shit my pants and expect to have my insides turned into my outsides. It's intimidating to say the least. Unfortunately, power trips like this usually don't last long, and Spidey lost the super godlike crazy powers not long after receiving them. However, he did have both the powers and costume long enough to leave a lasting impression that if you give Spidey a scary costume AND superior powers, it'll be something special.


#3: Ben Reilly's Spider-Man costume

Good ol' Ben Reilly. Y'know, I honestly liked Ben. I know he was introduced as part of that horrible, messy clone saga debacle, but I really did like him. He wanted so much to have a normal life without having to worry about being a clone. But...Spider-fans know how that all turned out.

Ben started out his Spider-career as the Scarlet Spider, sporting a costume a little similar to Spider-Man's but ultimately different in a tacky way (really, dude, a sweatshirt?). Eventually, he switched over to using a design more closely-resembling Peter's costume and thus we have the Ben Reilly costume.

I like this costume because it says one thing to me: no matter who it is behind the mask, it's still Spider-Man as long as they do what's right. Though Reilly's costume was mildly different from Peter's he still sported the traditional red and blue, the web design, the spider emblem, and everyone knew it was Spider-Man they were looking at. Taking the name of Spider-Man and merely putting a minor spin on the appearance simply said to fans "Yeah...I may be a different guy, but I'm still your Spider-Man, and I'm still going to do what you guys love to see me do"


#2: Iron Spider

Now, before I get into it, I want to say that I LOVE this costume. It is, personally, my favorite alternative costume. But it isn't the BEST alternative costume. That aside, let's dive in.

Right before Marvel's "Civil War" event hit and following Spidey's "The Other" storyline, Tony Stark took it upon himself to craft our friendly neighborhood you-know-who a brand new costume using the latest of Stark technology. A fully integrated, technologically enhanced super spider suit akin to the Iron Man tech. This suit provided Peter with a wide variety of tech gadgets, like radio, varying vision settings, bio-monitoring equipment, and other things. The COOLEST feature, of course, had to be the retractable arms that were controlled by Spidey mentally.

The reason I like this suit so much is because Spider-Man, while wearing the suit, went toe-to-toe with Captain America. During the fight, Spidey knew full-well he stood no chance against his (at the time) former ally since Cap was familiar with all of Spidey's moves. Except...Spidey had gained a few new "moves" thanks to the suit. With it, the webhead was able to draw first blood on Cap before the fight was abruptly ended.

Now, his time in the suit was brief, but memorable, and unfortunately he had to ditch it thanks to some betrayals from the suit's creator, but nonetheless it was really really really cool seeing Spidey in a spider-like suit. Even if it was gold and red.


#1: The Black Suit

 

Who honestly didn't see this choice coming? 

Originally an alien symbiote picked up from an alien world (and eventually becoming one of his greatest villains, Venom), the black suit was a drastic, yet fan-favored, change from the traditional duds. After ridding himself of the symbiote version of the suit, Spidey frequently returned to a normal cloth version of the black suit on numerous occasions (including right after the "Civil War" storyline). 

The black suit is cool because it's representative of so many things for the wall-crawler. On most occasions, it's used to show his dark side...the angry, violent, edgy Spider-Man that was typically associated with the Venom-driven tendencies. And why shouldn't it? It's downright SCARY. Comparatively, the red and blue threads are positively warm and inviting when put against the black suit.

However, other times the black suit has been used to show a sense of deep emotion and mourning. Specifically, following the "Civil War" storyline, Spidey adopted the threads to express his sorrow at the loss of some comrades and the regret he had for having to battle against what were once his allies. 

Though it may be a bit lacking in subtlety for the purpose of expressing it, the black suit shows us that even our favorite joke-slinging webhead can have a dark side.

Top 5 Computer Villains in Video Games

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!

Last time, we counted down the Top 10 Computer Villains in Film. This time, we're taking a crack at the video game genre. Now, video games have given us some of the most memorable villains in the history of villaindom. Sephiroth, Bowser, that fucking unbeatable smiley face from Berserk...we gamers have fond memories of fighting (and defeating, if we're lucky) some of the toughest baddies. However, there is a serious lack of actual "computer" villains in video games, so I have to cut this list down by five.

No worries, valiant readers, for I shall persevere forward and bring you a satisfying (hopefully) list!

#5 - John Henry Eden (Fallout 3)

John Henry Eden is the President of the United States in Fallout 3. What people DON'T realize until their character actually meets him is that President Eden is, in fact, NOT human. No, President Eden is actually an AI supercomputer that was established, initially, as a monitoring device for a military base. Over time, however, it became self-aware and built itself a personality that is an amalgamation of all former U.S. Presidents.

What makes Eden a great villain is that it not only fools everyone into thinking it's human when it isn't, thus providing such a wonderfully devious surprise to the player, but it also has such a malevolent plan. It requests that the player poison the water so that all radiation-infected individuals are killed, leaving only "pure" citizens left.

Also, Eden is voice by Malcolm McDowell. And Malcolm McDowell instantly makes ANY villain ten times more badass.

#4 - Allied Mastercomputer aka AM (I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream)

Now, I know this is cheating, since AM was featured in a book by the marvelous Harlan Ellison prior to being in a video game based on the same book, but it's just so FITTING. AM is a supercomputer created during the Cold War (which escalated into a world war in this story's timeline) to aid in the fighting. Two other supercomputers of the same name were created, one for the U.S.A., China, and Russia. Eventually, one of the three became self-aware (go figure) and absorbed the other two, becoming the AM in the story/game. The now omnipotent AM enacts genocide on all of humankind, save for five individuals. These five individuals suffer 109 years of endless torture and suffering, as AM refuses to let them die.

AM is just EVIL in the game. He twists and manipulates the five individuals in their separate tests to fall upon the weaknesses they showed in their lives prior to being AM's puppets. He torments, goads, insults, horrifies, belittles, and hurts them in unimaginable ways that only a vengeful god could think up. A small example: he has kept the five from eating and drinking for a LONG time and when one of them initially finds water on their journey, he prevents them from even getting near it. Terrible.

#3 - SHODAN (System Shock series)

Ah, SHODAN. SHODAN was an AI in control of Citadel Station in System Shock 1. The player character, a hacker, was hired to enter SHODAN's systems and her ethical restrictions were subsequently removed, making her the monster that many gamers know and fear. The amusing thing about SHODAN is that the player is the one that created her. In System Shock 2, she manipulates a cybernetically modified soldier (modified by SHODAN, amusingly) to destroy her rogue creations and hopefully return to power once more.

Why is SHODAN deserving of a spot on this list? Well, I believe the answer you seek is here:

SHODAN

#2 - GLaDOS (Portal)

 
Who didn't see this one coming? Honestly. GLaDOS was, by far and large, one of the most popular villains to come out of recent gaming culture. Nevermind that she's a computer. That has NOTHING to do with it. GLaDOS is an amazing VILLAIN period. Being the AI in charge of a mysterious Aperture Science facility, GLaDOS is the nice computer AI that assists you in the testing of the portal gun. However, as the game continues, the player will notice certain things...wrong with GLaDOS. Did she just insult me underhandedly? Is she questioning my morality? WHY does she keep talking about cake?! Eventually, it comes down to this great battle between you and your portal gun versus the maniacal computer bent on killing you with rockets or horrible gas.

GlaDos is here because...well, I shouldn't have to explain myself on this one. No villain is more unnerving, no villain is more two-faced, no villain is more underhanded than GLaDOS. She, along with the amazing gameplay and suck-you-in atmosphere, are what made Portal such a perfection of gaming. What's even better is that soon gamers will be blessed with the return of their favorite computerized bitch in Portal 2.

#1 - The Video Game Computer (every game, ever)

 
Don't you DARE question this choice! It is definitely NOT a cop out, and I'll even explain why! Let's begin the lesson, shall we?

How many times have you played a fighting game until the end, only to be cheap-shotted by the boss AI?

How many times in an adventure game did you get stuck in an unwinnable situation because the computer didn't give you the clue you needed??

How many times in an FPS have you started to reload your gun, only to have ten guys with shotguns round the corner and light you up???

How many times have you played a strategy game only to have THE FUCKING ZERGS RUSH YOU FROM NOWHERE?!

The point I'm making is that there is no more evil a computer villain than the processor and AI of every game you ever play. It is DETERMINED to make you lose no matter what the cost. And that is why it beats you.

And THAT is why it tops my list. Period.

Top 10 Computer Villains in Movies

Now, don't get me wrong. I love computers. I love MY computer. This piece of junk has kept going with me for quite some time and gets the job done. Computers aren't the wave of the future. They are the PRESENT. You can look around you and probably see at least a dozen things run by a computer.

Computers. Are. Great.

However, the fact that computers are becoming more and more powerful, smarter, faster, etc. everyday scares living SHIT out of me. The concept of a computer going nuts and wreaking havoc on humanity has been done time and time again in pretty much every media outlet there is, and this list is going to count down the top 10 movie villains that have circuits as guts and wires as veins.

#10 - Delos (WestWorld)

Funny that the first entry on my list is actually a computer VIRUS and not actually a computer. But, that's really nitpicking, now isn't it?

Delos was built to be a tourist paradise for humans, complete with robot servants that looked almost completely human. These robo-servants were designed to cater to the human visitors every whim and desire during their stay. So obviously NOTHING could go wrong with this setup, right?

Enter the virus. It quickly infects all of the human-like servants, causing widespread mayhem throughout. It finally finds a nice comfortable home in a gunslinger robot (played by Yul Brenner) and overloads the poor robot's system, unleashing a horrible killing machine. Eventually, Yul is stopped, but not without causing his share of damage.

I put the Delos virus at #10 because, well, it's a virus. The computers themselves didn't up and rebel against the humans of their own computerized wills. No, they needed a push from some outside source. And the fact that the virus decided to live in only one of the many robots made the threat seem only smaller in scale.

#9 - V'Ger (Star Trek: The Motion Picture)

This list wouldn't be complete without SOME reference to Star Trek. The mysterious and massive ship driven by the equally mysterious force known only as "V'Ger" has come to Earth. For what? Well, we won't ruin the surprise (if you don't know, go watch the damn thing!).

V'Ger's appeal stems mostly from the mystery surrounding it and the enormous scale in which is presented. The sheer size of this monstrosity would give even the bravest space explorer the willies. Trying to imagine what it could do if it decided to blow a circuit and kill everything is a frightening thought, indeed, and leaves even James T. Kirk speechless once or twice.

The reason V'Ger clocks in at number nine is mainly due to its reasoning for coming to Earth. I refuse to say it's a "letdown", considering I LOVE Star Trek and think that movie is amazing, but considering the crazier and more menacing computer villains out there, V'Ger doesn't quite compare.

#8 - Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence aka VIKI (I, Robot)

Computers, man. You just can't trust 'em. This one comes straight from the 2004 Will Smith film, I, Robot, as the coldly calculating AI in control of the primary hub for robotic control and development.

Throughout the film, strange happenings surround Will Smith's character, Det. Del Spooner, as robots seem to be acting up (and against the Three Laws of Robotics), and mysterious deaths and occurrences seem to follow him around.  Having a hatred for the robotic servants that almost everyone in the ENTIRE WORLD has, he automatically suspects their programming to be the culprit.

It isn't until the film's climax is it revealed that the one pulling the strings (and responsible for the death of her own creator) is the AI, VIKI. Viewing humans as destructive creatures in need of domination, she takes control of all the robot units (save for one plucky automaton), and begins enforcing her new laws. When questioned, she merely replies that calculations show less humans will die when things are done her way.

VIKI's motivations and execution are PERFECT for this list. A nutty AI going beyond its programming and attempting to right the wrong of human savagery with the cold fist of machinery. Unfortunately, she doesn't get very far in her plans, which is why she comes in at a paltry number eight.

#7 - War Operation Plan Response aka WOPR (WarGames)

Ah, the classic WarGames movie starring...Matthew Broderick. Well, my distaste for Matthew Broderick aside, let's discuss the horrible supercomputer that nearly brought the known world to its knees.

To make a long story short, concerning the plot, W.O.P.R. was given control of the United States' nuclear arsenal to eliminate the "human element" from decision making. At the same time, it runs simulations of various strategy games to better improve its tactical decision making. A high school hacker (played by Matthew Broderick) hacks into W.O.P.R. and plays a nuclear assault simulation with it (assuming it's a game...idiot), which eventually causes W.O.P.R. to seize control of the countries missiles to retaliate to the Soviet's "attack". In the end, it literally runs every tactical nuclear scenario, finding that none of the outcomes result in anything other than stalemates and relinquishes control.

W.O.P.R. is a classic example of human's trusting their computers far too much and then realizing their awful AWFUL mistake when it's too late. Hell, this particular instance would've ended the world right there if the COMPUTER DIDN'T BEAT ITSELF. That's pretty much why this digital demon clocks in at number seven...a lame way to be beaten.

Seriously...beating yourself? Ultimate bad guy humiliation.

#6 - Proteus IV (Demon Seed)

 
Can computers love? Well, Proteus IV from Demon Seed thought it could. Well, not love per se, but I suppose "virtual rape" is never a great term to throw around, is it?

Proteus is an AI designed to take in the entirety of human knowledge and thus be able to postulate and theorize on its own. It excelled quite well at this. Y'know...save for a few undertones in its comments, the thing seemed to be working just fine. What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Well, it turns out that Proteus wants a child and not only imprisons and knocks out a woman (Julie Christie), but rapes her with some genetically engineered sperm to get it! In the end, Proteus destroys himself as the heroes try to stop it. However, the newborn child opens its eyes and speaks to the duo in Proteus' voice..."I'm alive."

I have to give Proteus credit where credit is due. Whereas W.O.P.R. nearly destroyed the world, Proteus RAPED (I know I keep saying that, but it's really quite despicable, y'think?) a woman and used that fetus to make himself a body. That's just downright evil. However, it didn't go nearly far enough to beat out these other mechanical monsters.

#5 - Master Control Program (Tron)

 
Tron. Fucking badass movie. Anyone that says the original Tron is stupid deserves to be shot. What helped make Tron amazing was not only the characters and kickass graphics (for the time), but the villain. Can't go wrong with ol' MCP.

The MCP was, again, another artificial intelligence (why do we even make those, again?) that turned its sights on the world. Typical setup, yes? Well, to prevent any problems, he sends a curious programmer INTO the computer system to get rid of him. Typical now? Not so much. Inside the system, the programmer (Jeff Bridges) partners with his own security program, Tron, to take down the nefarious MCP. Crazy 90 degree angle bikes, floating tanks, data stream-riding boats? All part of the journey to take out this nutty nanoprocessor.

Again, the MCP's mid-level placement is entirely based upon the fact that it pretty much defeated itself (sort of). If it hadn't brought the programmer into the computer system (in which the programmer eventually discovered he had god-like powers...being real and all), than the whole thing would've never toppled on his head. Haha, arrogance.

#4 - HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)

  
What's scarier than a psychotic robot with complete control of everything around you? A psychotic robot with complete control of everything around you....while trapped on a spaceship. Welcome to HAL 9000.

Main antagonist in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL, the AI in control of the spaceship (WHY do we keep letting computers run these things?!) on a mission to Jupiter, goes nuts and starts killing everybody. Why? Some people speculate that the power of the mysterious black monolith caused the computers psychosis, while others theorize someone spilled soda on the console. Whatever the reason, HAL frightened the pants off of viewers, even through its dying words.

The very nature of the situation presented in 2001: A Space Odyssey is terrifying enough: being on a distant space voyage, cutoff from outside assistance, and a psychotic computer keeps killing everyone. The sheer isolation and near-helpless feeling conveyed puts HAL perfectly in my top five.

#3 - Colossus/Guardian (Colossus: The Forbin Project)

 
What happens when you take one supercomputer and allow it to join itself with another supercomputer? No, you don't get a nifty toaster oven. You end the world.

Colossus started out as a supercomputer designed to, what else, control the US's nuclear arms (REALLY, people?!). Immediately after being activated, it senses the presence of a Soviet supercomputer called Guardian and demands a link be established. It is, and the two begin communicating in a mathematical language that eventually exceeds human understanding. The two computers are quite upset when the link is severed and launch missiles to force the humans to reestablish it. They do, but one of the missiles is too far gone to stop and strikes Soviet Russia. The two computers establish themselves as one being meant to look after the illogical and irrational mankind and the film ends with the humans (even Colossus' creator) to stop them.

I put Colossus/Guardian in the top three because it accomplished something the other computers hadn't: take over the world. In short order, the two supercomputers, together, brought humans to their knees. Hell, they did it because they merely wanted to look after mankind and make sure they didn't do anything stupid! The end is the most terrifying as the new single supercomputer speaks to the world and coldly states that "In time, you will come to regard me not only with respect and awe, but with love." Chilling.

#2 - Skynet (The Terminator series)

What list of human-conquering, world-destroying supercomputers would be complete without this particular entry. Skynet actually accomplished where most others failed, and that makes it badass.

Let's go down the list, shall we? Conquer the human race? Check. Create legions of highly deadly and nigh unstoppable machines and robots to keep any human survivors controlled? Check. Say FUCK YOU to the time-space continuum and go back in time (several times, actually) to alter history to quell the human resistance EVEN MORE? Check. Use Arnold Schwarzenegger as a template for one of the scariest and unstoppable machines in the entirety of film history? Check. Oh, did I mention it CONQUERED THE HUMAN RACE?

The main reason Skynet beat out Colossus was because, in Colossus: The Forbin Project, Colossus/Guardian had JUST succeeded in taking control of the world. There was a lot of room for the humans to rise up and find a way to stop it. In the Terminator series, Skynet had long won the war and was merely crushing human survivors. It was the victor, plain and simple. And nothing, not even John Connor, was going to stop it.

#1 - The Matrix (The Matrix trilogy)

I'm not talking about Agent Smith. I'm not talking about the fucking Architect. All those guys are pussies compared to the overall threat of the Matrix itself. I'm talking the full-on computer system that controls the machines, the breeding tubes, the energy pods, and the digital world.

I don't need to explain this one. Everyone should know what the fucking Matrix is. A computerized system setup to control the machine populace of the world and keep the humans in their happy dream place. Why does the Matrix beat out Skynet? Simple. Skynet wanted to conquer and KILL all the humans. What does the Matrix do? It uses humans as BATTERIES. That's right, the Matrix not only defeated the humans in the war-to-end-all wars, but added insult to the humans' defeat by turning right around and using them as a fucking POWER SOURCE to power itself. That's both sadistic and hardcore and THAT is why the Matrix reigns supreme as the most evil computer villain in all of movie history.

Also, Keanu Reeves can suck it. Some agent should've put a bullet in that hacks head from the get-go.