It's been a while, and I've been a slacker, but I have a few reviews coming up. Be on the look out for the following:
- Thor
- Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides
- Source Code
- Green Lantern
- Transformers 3
Always, thanks for reading/watching!
The rantings of a gamer/writer/actor/slacker kinda guy who merely is looking for the purpose in life through these mediums.
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Mystique of the "Old West"
I know...I know...it's been a while since I've posted. I've honestly been out of ideas and had little time to work on existing ones. However, I figured I'd post a little something to let everyone know that I'm still alive.
Now...onto the point of this article: the old west.
I LOVE the old west. When I was younger (my preteen days, to be exact), my father introduced me to the renowned western classics, the Man with No Name trilogy.
For those not initiated, the Man with No Name trilogy was the quintessential collection of old western/Clint Eastwood films. They included, in chronological order of release:
The plots of the movies vary slightly. The only part you're going to remember are that Clint Eastwood is a badass gunfighter with no legitimate name who ends up killing a lot of people with his badass gunfighting skills. This one common theme amongst the movies is normally wrapped in some semblance of a plot involving Clint Eastwood's character helping out a downtrodden town, hunting for treasure, etc. However, the core of the movies remains the same: old west gunfighting.
After my love of the old west was fostered by these three movies, I moved onto other memorable westerns. Unforgiven (1992), The Magnificent Seven (1960), Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), and other such films were included in my library. The spaghetti western became a staple of my cinematic diet.
As I grew and expanded my interests, I found there to be great deal of overlap between the western and other genres that interested me. Notably the cross between science fiction and western (in such shows like cult favored Firefly) and between steampunk and western (what is typically called the "weird west" genre).
Now, having been given a bit of my personal history with the old west as a genre, we can get into the meat and potatoes of this article.
The thing I find most fascinating about the western genre (or, at least, the film depictions of the western) is that it's essentially taking old tales of heroes and knights and putting them into a different setting. Swords are replaced by guns, knights are replaced by wandering gunslingers, and so on. Hell, one of my favorite movies of all time, Seven Samurai, was remade into a western, The Magnificent Seven, showing that even classic eastern tales can be converted into western format.
The fluidity and converting nature of the western is so encompassing, one could take any classic tale of heroism and turn it into a western (with a bit of tweaking, of course). On the other side of the coin, however, westerns themselves are easily adaptable to other genres as well, as was previously mentioned in this article. This dual-natured adaptation makes the western one of the most usable, yet still unique, genres out there.
Going back to my original comparison between westerns and tales of medieval knights, we come to the centerpiece of the western culture: the gun.
Very much like the legendary swords of yor, the old west gun has an identity all its own.Much like how well-known swords from fantasy stories/movies helped define and identify their owners, a famous gunslinger would oftentimes be identified by his firearm.
Though not a practical weapon from a certain standpoint, I still find myself drawn to the classic old west revolver. These were the guys that traversed one of the most dangerous sections of the world for its time with nothing more to protect themselves than six bullets. THAT's hardcore.
I personally find myself particularly drawn to the classic 1800s conversion revolver, like the Man With No Name's.
Now...onto the point of this article: the old west.
I LOVE the old west. When I was younger (my preteen days, to be exact), my father introduced me to the renowned western classics, the Man with No Name trilogy.
 |
| Badass |
- A Fistful of Dollars (1964)
- For a Few Dollars More (1965)
- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966)
The plots of the movies vary slightly. The only part you're going to remember are that Clint Eastwood is a badass gunfighter with no legitimate name who ends up killing a lot of people with his badass gunfighting skills. This one common theme amongst the movies is normally wrapped in some semblance of a plot involving Clint Eastwood's character helping out a downtrodden town, hunting for treasure, etc. However, the core of the movies remains the same: old west gunfighting.
After my love of the old west was fostered by these three movies, I moved onto other memorable westerns. Unforgiven (1992), The Magnificent Seven (1960), Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), and other such films were included in my library. The spaghetti western became a staple of my cinematic diet.
As I grew and expanded my interests, I found there to be great deal of overlap between the western and other genres that interested me. Notably the cross between science fiction and western (in such shows like cult favored Firefly) and between steampunk and western (what is typically called the "weird west" genre).
 |
| Western...IN SPAAAAAACE! |
The thing I find most fascinating about the western genre (or, at least, the film depictions of the western) is that it's essentially taking old tales of heroes and knights and putting them into a different setting. Swords are replaced by guns, knights are replaced by wandering gunslingers, and so on. Hell, one of my favorite movies of all time, Seven Samurai, was remade into a western, The Magnificent Seven, showing that even classic eastern tales can be converted into western format.
The fluidity and converting nature of the western is so encompassing, one could take any classic tale of heroism and turn it into a western (with a bit of tweaking, of course). On the other side of the coin, however, westerns themselves are easily adaptable to other genres as well, as was previously mentioned in this article. This dual-natured adaptation makes the western one of the most usable, yet still unique, genres out there.
Going back to my original comparison between westerns and tales of medieval knights, we come to the centerpiece of the western culture: the gun.
 |
| The sword of the western world |
Though not a practical weapon from a certain standpoint, I still find myself drawn to the classic old west revolver. These were the guys that traversed one of the most dangerous sections of the world for its time with nothing more to protect themselves than six bullets. THAT's hardcore.
I personally find myself particularly drawn to the classic 1800s conversion revolver, like the Man With No Name's.
It's got a sleak look to it, the same deadly visuals of a regular revolver, and a lot more style in my opinion than your average firearm.
Someday, maybe I can have a pair of six-shooters to call my own and I can ride off into the sunset after murdering a bunch of banditos.....*sigh* someday....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Yu-Gi-Oh: A Retrospective
I'll admit it.
I played Yu-Gi-Oh when I was in high school.
Yeah yeah...say what you will, but Yu-Gi-Oh was the thing to be into back in those days. Many would call Yu-Gi-Oh a watered down Magic the Gathering without the extensive history or immense catalog of usable cards, and maybe they're right, but Yu-Gi-Oh had its own charm.
Looking back on the old episodes of the original series, the cheesiness shines through like a diamond buried in shit, but the reason it was so popular is evident. Imagine yourself a child between the ages of 8-14 and you're watching these supposed teenagers (right...they looked like they were in their 20s but whatever...) skipping out on school regularly to not only play a card game, but save the very world itself BY playing a card game.
On top of all that, every match (or "duel" for those not in the know) seemed like it was the most epic experience imaginable. You had these players (or "duelists") screaming at each other and making each move like they were a Bond villain unveiling their master plan. This was rather clever because this presentation assured that those watching would completely forget that they were, when it boils down to it, playing a card game.
Honestly, rewatching the old episodes, I can't imagine how my younger self could even bare sitting through these episodes. They padded out every duel with a combination of explaining what each move in the duel was in excruciating detail, even more excruciating exposition about the power of friendship and faith in yourself, and constantly cutting away to characters not present.
Seriously, the show was almost as bad as DBZ as far as padding is concerned.
I'm finding myself quickly fast-forwarding through any bit that isn't the actual duel taking place in the episode. My older self seems only concerned with watching the epic bits with Yugi (the main protagonist) using his puberty powers to scream at his opponents.
I'm not even joking. The protagonist basically spends every duel screaming at his opponents. He screams what cards he's playing, he screams what each card does, he screams when the duel swings one way or the other, he screams when he realizes he's out of popsicles, he ALWAYS screams.
But I digress.
As I got older, the natural order of things took effect and I grew out of the playing the game and watching the show. Only now, many years later, when I sit here watching old episodes on Hulu, do these thoughts resurface. As a cartoon, it was the most marketable thing since Pokemon. Hell, I'm certain it even piggybacked OFF of Pokemon.
It also didn't help the prepubescent/early pubescent boys that watched the show that all the female main characters were essentially double-d super models.
So, the appeal doesn't just come from the "epic" feel of the program, though some of the things pictured above could very well be described as "epic".
These days, I go into my local game store (Tower of Games, located in Chesapeake, VA) and see guys my age playing the Yu-Gi-Oh card game with teenagers and I can only sigh. It's a clear picture of how far the average geek/gamer may or may not evolve over the course of his/her gaming life.
I suppose we all grow out of things someday, right?
I played Yu-Gi-Oh when I was in high school.
Looking back on the old episodes of the original series, the cheesiness shines through like a diamond buried in shit, but the reason it was so popular is evident. Imagine yourself a child between the ages of 8-14 and you're watching these supposed teenagers (right...they looked like they were in their 20s but whatever...) skipping out on school regularly to not only play a card game, but save the very world itself BY playing a card game.
On top of all that, every match (or "duel" for those not in the know) seemed like it was the most epic experience imaginable. You had these players (or "duelists") screaming at each other and making each move like they were a Bond villain unveiling their master plan. This was rather clever because this presentation assured that those watching would completely forget that they were, when it boils down to it, playing a card game.
 | |
| What we pictured when we played the card game... |
 |
| ...and what was actually happening. |
Seriously, the show was almost as bad as DBZ as far as padding is concerned.
I'm finding myself quickly fast-forwarding through any bit that isn't the actual duel taking place in the episode. My older self seems only concerned with watching the epic bits with Yugi (the main protagonist) using his puberty powers to scream at his opponents.
 |
| Pictured above: 95% of the show |
But I digress.
As I got older, the natural order of things took effect and I grew out of the playing the game and watching the show. Only now, many years later, when I sit here watching old episodes on Hulu, do these thoughts resurface. As a cartoon, it was the most marketable thing since Pokemon. Hell, I'm certain it even piggybacked OFF of Pokemon.
It also didn't help the prepubescent/early pubescent boys that watched the show that all the female main characters were essentially double-d super models.
 |
| ....shit! |
 |
| Holy... |
So, the appeal doesn't just come from the "epic" feel of the program, though some of the things pictured above could very well be described as "epic".
These days, I go into my local game store (Tower of Games, located in Chesapeake, VA) and see guys my age playing the Yu-Gi-Oh card game with teenagers and I can only sigh. It's a clear picture of how far the average geek/gamer may or may not evolve over the course of his/her gaming life.
I suppose we all grow out of things someday, right?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Television Limbo: Ways to Break the Between-Seasons Lull
And we've come to that point again in the year when most of my favorite television programs have ended and I have to endure a loooooong summer of having (mostly) nothing to watch.
Allow me to explain.
I don't watch a lot of television anymore. When I was a young boy of the Stupid Age, I was glued to the TV most times. I don't remember much of what I viewed, but I loved the idiot box like any child of my age would. As I grew older, however, the inevitable happened. My tastes refined, my cynicism grew, the programming degraded, and eventually I stopped using a television altogether.
No no, these days I just watch or retrieve the new episodes of whatever few shows I watch right off the internet. Honestly, I watch less than 10 shows that are currently still running and producing new episodes:
Eight.
Out of the countless programs that air on television, I only deem eight shows worthy of watching. I'm not trying to be a snob, come across as a snob, seem like a snob, but have all of you SEEN what's on television these days? It's pretty bad.
However, as any watcher of television that is more diligent than I can tell you, there comes a time every year when shows end for the season and there's a lull in programming. The sad truth is that that time has come for me. The only program that is currently continuing to air new episodes is Doctor Who. Now, while that is a worthy enough show by itself, one episode a week does not tide the writer/geek over enough.
So, this is a small list of things one can do to pass the time until the next season of your favorite shows begins:
#5 - Do Something Artistic
Do you think that that one scene from that one season from that one show you watch could have been done better? Think the storyarc of your favorite crime drama series was written by a bunch of drunk chimps huffing paint? Was the design of that one set/costume/whatever just terrible?
Well, try and do better! During this down time, pick up a pencil, pen, camera, camcorder, SOMETHING artistic and creative and see what you can do with it! It doesn't have to be Oscar-winning or the next Louvre masterpiece but dammit at least you're exercising that portion of your brain that you let rot over the last several months.
#4 - Go Fucking Outside
I can just hear all eight people that read my blog simultaneously laughing at this cliched suggestion.
Hear me out.
I'm not trying to call all of you overweight slobs that would prefer the comfort of your filtered light and ass-printed couch cushion (though some of you may be). No no...I'm merely saying that beyond your front door is a world full of exciting and affordable (sometimes free) things to do!
Go to a zoo! Go driving/walking around and go into any store/establishment that peaks your interest! Go ride a bike! Go walking in a park! Go to a local festival of some sort! Just do SOMETHING!
So many things go on around us that we ignore or miss out on because we spend more of our days indoors doing...whatever. It wouldn't hurt you (or me, at times) to get out there and see some of those things.
#3 - Make a New Friend
This one should be pretty obvious, but whatever. Sometimes we get into such a routine. Hanging out with the same people, doing the same things, going to the same places, that we never interact with anyone beyond our normal circles of friends.
This isn't healthy for a number of scientific reasons that I can't be bothered to share with all of you right now, but suffice it to say it's bad for you. That's why I encourage everyone to, once in a while, try to make a new friend. That guy you see every week at the bar but never talk to? That girl who always serves you coffee in the morning? Talk to them! You never know what interests you might share and what kind of friendship could be kindled by simply saying "hello".
#2 - Try a New Activity
This somewhat goes hand-in-hand with #4 and #3, but I believe it deserves it's own category for a few reasons. First, like #4, it involves going out and doing something. However, I'm encouraging you to find a new hobby or activity (like a sport, for example) and trying it out. You may not like it but, hell, you won't know until you try, right?
Second, like #3, it will break up the monotony of the routine we get ourselves into. You may not be tired of playing poker on Saturdays, but have you tried playing trivia in a new bar on Wednesdays? You may have your weekly game of baseball on Thursdays, but have you ever played in a weekly RPG?
Honestly, my opinion is that if you can't bring yourself to try anything new because you're so SURE that you won't like it without even giving it a chance, you're too close-minded to be reading my blog and need to leave immediately.
Seriously. Leave.
#1 - Read a Fucking Book
What's that? You miss your favorite television programs? And you hate human contact and going outside? Why, I have the solution for you, my friend! It's called....
A book!!
That's right, just like watching television, only better, a book provides you with an informative and/or narrative piece of literature that can entertain you for hours/days/weeks/whatever. The best part about this wonderful invention? You don't have to leave home to do it, there are no commercials, you can stop wherever you like and come right back to that place, and, best of all, there are literally millions upon millions of books in existence so you can rest assured that there's something out there for you.
Another great thing about reading a book is that it will stimulate that thing in your skull that is probably starving for exercise...y'know, your brain.
Just give it a try.
Allow me to explain.
I don't watch a lot of television anymore. When I was a young boy of the Stupid Age, I was glued to the TV most times. I don't remember much of what I viewed, but I loved the idiot box like any child of my age would. As I grew older, however, the inevitable happened. My tastes refined, my cynicism grew, the programming degraded, and eventually I stopped using a television altogether.
No no, these days I just watch or retrieve the new episodes of whatever few shows I watch right off the internet. Honestly, I watch less than 10 shows that are currently still running and producing new episodes:
- Doctor Who
- Glee
- Community
- Leverage
- Dexter
- Metalocalypse
- The Venture Brothers
Eight.
Out of the countless programs that air on television, I only deem eight shows worthy of watching. I'm not trying to be a snob, come across as a snob, seem like a snob, but have all of you SEEN what's on television these days? It's pretty bad.
However, as any watcher of television that is more diligent than I can tell you, there comes a time every year when shows end for the season and there's a lull in programming. The sad truth is that that time has come for me. The only program that is currently continuing to air new episodes is Doctor Who. Now, while that is a worthy enough show by itself, one episode a week does not tide the writer/geek over enough.
So, this is a small list of things one can do to pass the time until the next season of your favorite shows begins:
#5 - Do Something Artistic
Do you think that that one scene from that one season from that one show you watch could have been done better? Think the storyarc of your favorite crime drama series was written by a bunch of drunk chimps huffing paint? Was the design of that one set/costume/whatever just terrible?
Well, try and do better! During this down time, pick up a pencil, pen, camera, camcorder, SOMETHING artistic and creative and see what you can do with it! It doesn't have to be Oscar-winning or the next Louvre masterpiece but dammit at least you're exercising that portion of your brain that you let rot over the last several months.
#4 - Go Fucking Outside
I can just hear all eight people that read my blog simultaneously laughing at this cliched suggestion.
Hear me out.
I'm not trying to call all of you overweight slobs that would prefer the comfort of your filtered light and ass-printed couch cushion (though some of you may be). No no...I'm merely saying that beyond your front door is a world full of exciting and affordable (sometimes free) things to do!
Go to a zoo! Go driving/walking around and go into any store/establishment that peaks your interest! Go ride a bike! Go walking in a park! Go to a local festival of some sort! Just do SOMETHING!
So many things go on around us that we ignore or miss out on because we spend more of our days indoors doing...whatever. It wouldn't hurt you (or me, at times) to get out there and see some of those things.
#3 - Make a New Friend
This one should be pretty obvious, but whatever. Sometimes we get into such a routine. Hanging out with the same people, doing the same things, going to the same places, that we never interact with anyone beyond our normal circles of friends.
This isn't healthy for a number of scientific reasons that I can't be bothered to share with all of you right now, but suffice it to say it's bad for you. That's why I encourage everyone to, once in a while, try to make a new friend. That guy you see every week at the bar but never talk to? That girl who always serves you coffee in the morning? Talk to them! You never know what interests you might share and what kind of friendship could be kindled by simply saying "hello".
#2 - Try a New Activity
This somewhat goes hand-in-hand with #4 and #3, but I believe it deserves it's own category for a few reasons. First, like #4, it involves going out and doing something. However, I'm encouraging you to find a new hobby or activity (like a sport, for example) and trying it out. You may not like it but, hell, you won't know until you try, right?
Second, like #3, it will break up the monotony of the routine we get ourselves into. You may not be tired of playing poker on Saturdays, but have you tried playing trivia in a new bar on Wednesdays? You may have your weekly game of baseball on Thursdays, but have you ever played in a weekly RPG?
Honestly, my opinion is that if you can't bring yourself to try anything new because you're so SURE that you won't like it without even giving it a chance, you're too close-minded to be reading my blog and need to leave immediately.
Seriously. Leave.
#1 - Read a Fucking Book
What's that? You miss your favorite television programs? And you hate human contact and going outside? Why, I have the solution for you, my friend! It's called....
A book!!
That's right, just like watching television, only better, a book provides you with an informative and/or narrative piece of literature that can entertain you for hours/days/weeks/whatever. The best part about this wonderful invention? You don't have to leave home to do it, there are no commercials, you can stop wherever you like and come right back to that place, and, best of all, there are literally millions upon millions of books in existence so you can rest assured that there's something out there for you.
Another great thing about reading a book is that it will stimulate that thing in your skull that is probably starving for exercise...y'know, your brain.
Just give it a try.
The Evolution of Vampires
In my weekly, Saturday Amber game, I am about to take the transition into full-on Monster. I have chosen to commit myself to being a vampire of all things (let's face it, vampires have plenty of history, variation, and cause to fear). My decision to become a vampire was not a light one in that I literally wracked my brain for extended periods of time to pick what form I wanted to dedicate the rest of my eternity-long stretch as a Monster.
Vampire seemed acceptable.
Now, before my faithful readers start spouting out tired, hackneyed, and predictable Twilight jokes, allow me to clarify Pete's stance on such things. Pete is under the opinion that Twilight "vampires" are not, in fact, vampires. He has no actual definition for what they are but considering they don't follow several core rules of vampire mythos, his opinion stands. At least it does within the confines of his game.
That being said, I took some time to consider vampires over the course of their long and detailed history. As I was doing this, a revelation came upon me (with some inspiration from a Cracked.com video):
Nobody wants to kill vampires anymore in today's culture, but rather people want to sleep with them. Now, this may not seem like a huge revelation to most of you, but you have to delve deeper into WHY this change occurred. What, over the course of a mere decade, caused the general populace to stop fearing these creatures of the night and instead start lusting after them.
Now, firstly, I'm not saying that vampires weren't lusted after before the last decade or so began. No no no...far from it. It's well-known that popular writers like Anne Rice have sexualized vampires gratuitously since the mid-70s onward. However, I AM stating that it seems the overall feel of vampires has shifted SIGNIFICANTLY MORE toward this sexualization and away from the horror in the last decade or so.
I'm flat-out stating that, at some point, people stopped fearing this:
And instead started lusting after this:
or this...
...or this...
So why has this change occurred? What is it about vampires that people suddenly find irresistibly attractive instead of repulsive?
Well, first and foremost, to use the above example, vampires have slowly transitioned visually from the deformed monstrosities style into the sexy-humans-with-tanning-problems style. Seriously, two of the above fuckers look more pale than an albino Irishman.
Or maybe it's the fact that any sort of lasting relationship with these creatures of the night would be impossible short of them chomping on your neck and turning you into one of their own. Perhaps women are drawn to the unobtainable aspect of vampires in that, they may have them for a short period of time (re: short=lifetime for the girl) but they won't grow old and die together. Does that appeal to women these days?
Girl: Oh, you're so mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm a vampire
Girl: Oh, that just makes you even MORE mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm going to outlive you by a longshot
Girl: Oh, take me away super mysterious and handsome man!
Vampire: No, seriously, I'm going to still look twenty-something while you're 80
And how does this prospect even appeal to the vampire?? As I just stated, the vampire would still look 20-something while the love of his life would literally be 80. I understand the concept of love conquering all boundaries be they time, space, age, etc. but I assume even vampires have standards! If I were a vampire and I decided to spend a lifetime with a girl, no amount of love would make my handsome chiseled ass cuddle up with a wrinkly old woman.
No offense, I just don't see that as realistic, y'know?
Maaaaaybe it's a sexual thing. I mean...vampires across the board share the mythos of superior strength, speed, stamina, glaring power, etc. Maybe the women just see a vampire, and think to themselves "I'm dating a bodybuilder and THAT guy could still kick his ass. I want to get fucked by THAT guy!"
I'm certain women don't think QUITE like that, but you get the idea.
It makes sense though. From a purely physical standpoint, vampires are superior to normal men and would therefore be better equipped to pleasure a woman, from certain standpoints. I haven't heard of any mythos where vampires are also gifted with larger members, but what do I know? I've never been a vampire.
Wait wait wait...I'm completely overlooking the maturity issues here. Women oftentimes like older guys. Some say it's for the maturity while others are just dirty gold-diggers looking for some elderly cash, but either way, vampires still appeal to the age aspect. I mean, if that 20-something-year-old girl finds herself in a phase where she wants to date an older man, for whatever reason, don't you think she would like the prospect of a 200-year-old vampire WITH an ageLESS chiseled body to go with it? I'd say so.
All in all, it's clear that there are many possible reasons for the transition of vampires from horror monster to sexual monster. But how did this all start?
Well, that's an easy one.
Fanfiction. Some sickos OBVIOUSLY started writing stories about being "sucked dry" by vampires and that shit caught like wildfire. Romance novel writers get PAID churning out shit like that. It just so happened that a few of those cheap romance novelists inexplicably and undeservingly hit it big.
*cough*StephenieMeyer*cough*
Ah well....hopefully at some point in the future, we'll come full circle and vampires will return to the terrible and feared monsters that they once were. Until then, we sane folk will just have to endure the tide.
Vampire seemed acceptable.
Now, before my faithful readers start spouting out tired, hackneyed, and predictable Twilight jokes, allow me to clarify Pete's stance on such things. Pete is under the opinion that Twilight "vampires" are not, in fact, vampires. He has no actual definition for what they are but considering they don't follow several core rules of vampire mythos, his opinion stands. At least it does within the confines of his game.
That being said, I took some time to consider vampires over the course of their long and detailed history. As I was doing this, a revelation came upon me (with some inspiration from a Cracked.com video):
Nobody wants to kill vampires anymore in today's culture, but rather people want to sleep with them. Now, this may not seem like a huge revelation to most of you, but you have to delve deeper into WHY this change occurred. What, over the course of a mere decade, caused the general populace to stop fearing these creatures of the night and instead start lusting after them.
Now, firstly, I'm not saying that vampires weren't lusted after before the last decade or so began. No no no...far from it. It's well-known that popular writers like Anne Rice have sexualized vampires gratuitously since the mid-70s onward. However, I AM stating that it seems the overall feel of vampires has shifted SIGNIFICANTLY MORE toward this sexualization and away from the horror in the last decade or so.
I'm flat-out stating that, at some point, people stopped fearing this:
And instead started lusting after this:
or this...
...or this...
So why has this change occurred? What is it about vampires that people suddenly find irresistibly attractive instead of repulsive?
Well, first and foremost, to use the above example, vampires have slowly transitioned visually from the deformed monstrosities style into the sexy-humans-with-tanning-problems style. Seriously, two of the above fuckers look more pale than an albino Irishman.
Or maybe it's the fact that any sort of lasting relationship with these creatures of the night would be impossible short of them chomping on your neck and turning you into one of their own. Perhaps women are drawn to the unobtainable aspect of vampires in that, they may have them for a short period of time (re: short=lifetime for the girl) but they won't grow old and die together. Does that appeal to women these days?
Girl: Oh, you're so mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm a vampire
Girl: Oh, that just makes you even MORE mysterious and handsome
Vampire: I'm going to outlive you by a longshot
Girl: Oh, take me away super mysterious and handsome man!
Vampire: No, seriously, I'm going to still look twenty-something while you're 80
And how does this prospect even appeal to the vampire?? As I just stated, the vampire would still look 20-something while the love of his life would literally be 80. I understand the concept of love conquering all boundaries be they time, space, age, etc. but I assume even vampires have standards! If I were a vampire and I decided to spend a lifetime with a girl, no amount of love would make my handsome chiseled ass cuddle up with a wrinkly old woman.
No offense, I just don't see that as realistic, y'know?
Maaaaaybe it's a sexual thing. I mean...vampires across the board share the mythos of superior strength, speed, stamina, glaring power, etc. Maybe the women just see a vampire, and think to themselves "I'm dating a bodybuilder and THAT guy could still kick his ass. I want to get fucked by THAT guy!"
I'm certain women don't think QUITE like that, but you get the idea.
It makes sense though. From a purely physical standpoint, vampires are superior to normal men and would therefore be better equipped to pleasure a woman, from certain standpoints. I haven't heard of any mythos where vampires are also gifted with larger members, but what do I know? I've never been a vampire.
Wait wait wait...I'm completely overlooking the maturity issues here. Women oftentimes like older guys. Some say it's for the maturity while others are just dirty gold-diggers looking for some elderly cash, but either way, vampires still appeal to the age aspect. I mean, if that 20-something-year-old girl finds herself in a phase where she wants to date an older man, for whatever reason, don't you think she would like the prospect of a 200-year-old vampire WITH an ageLESS chiseled body to go with it? I'd say so.
All in all, it's clear that there are many possible reasons for the transition of vampires from horror monster to sexual monster. But how did this all start?
Well, that's an easy one.
Fanfiction. Some sickos OBVIOUSLY started writing stories about being "sucked dry" by vampires and that shit caught like wildfire. Romance novel writers get PAID churning out shit like that. It just so happened that a few of those cheap romance novelists inexplicably and undeservingly hit it big.
*cough*StephenieMeyer*cough*
Ah well....hopefully at some point in the future, we'll come full circle and vampires will return to the terrible and feared monsters that they once were. Until then, we sane folk will just have to endure the tide.
Friday, May 6, 2011
An Open Letter to Extraterrestrials that May Eventually Come Here
Our Dearest Extraterrestrial Neighbors-
First, allow me to welcome you to Earth! You may have another name for our planet, but we've become quite partial to "Earth" so I hope you'll be polite enough to follow suit. But welcome nonetheless! I believe I may speak for all of humanity when I say that we have been waiting for this opportunity for...well, ever really! .
Honestly, if you want to see how long we've been waiting to meet you guys, just take a good long look over our film history and just see how many of those movies involve aliens. Allow me to be the first to apologize if any of those movies you look over have aliens resembling yourselves and allow me to further apologize if those movies containing aliens resembling yourselves also contain our people outright murdering them.
We're honestly not that bad.
Well, I say we're not that bad, but what I really mean is that a very, very small number of us aren't that bad. In actuality a good many humans are more-than-likely going to be paranoid and distrustful of you. Another good many humans are going to hate you because, hey, I can definitely see us becoming speciesists! But it's only because we're a primitive people that have never stepped further than our own moon. Surely you guys are MUCH more enlightened and advanced than us, making it all the way here and all.
By the way, did I mention how amazing it would be if you didn't invade us? I didn't? Oh, well that would be awesome.
Anyway, as I was saying...many will distrust you, many will hate you, but I'm also fairly certain that many will welcome you with open arms. In fact, I bet a decent number of those welcoming humans are going to be REALLY interested in meeting you guys. Those are the ones to really look out for because those are the nutjobs bent on making sure they're the first to have sex with a species other than our own.
Seriously, we're a decent people. You have to believe me.
But hey! Maybe you're willing to look beyond all of those silly quirks humans have! Maybe you're excited to take under your wing (wings?) a fledgling race that dreams of the stars. If you are seriously considering this, please make sure you have a means of disarming nuclear weapons because these pesky countries here that cover our planet are going to fight over who has first rights to you guys. That's right, my alien friends, we humans are such a petty species that we'll fight over who gets first dibs on what could be the biggest step forward for all of humanity. Hell, we may even go to war over it.
By the way, did I mention how awesome it would be if you guys didn't make us fight each other over your attention? I didn't? Well, that would be amazing.
In all seriousness, our extraterrestrial neighbors, there are a lot of wonderful things we humans and the planet Earth has to offer. If you guys are willing to overlook our many MANY flaws and help us find a better way to exist, I promise we won't disappoint.
Hell, the Doctor likes us. That should be a glowing recommendation, right?
Sincerely,
Jason Willard
First, allow me to welcome you to Earth! You may have another name for our planet, but we've become quite partial to "Earth" so I hope you'll be polite enough to follow suit. But welcome nonetheless! I believe I may speak for all of humanity when I say that we have been waiting for this opportunity for...well, ever really! .
Honestly, if you want to see how long we've been waiting to meet you guys, just take a good long look over our film history and just see how many of those movies involve aliens. Allow me to be the first to apologize if any of those movies you look over have aliens resembling yourselves and allow me to further apologize if those movies containing aliens resembling yourselves also contain our people outright murdering them.
We're honestly not that bad.
Well, I say we're not that bad, but what I really mean is that a very, very small number of us aren't that bad. In actuality a good many humans are more-than-likely going to be paranoid and distrustful of you. Another good many humans are going to hate you because, hey, I can definitely see us becoming speciesists! But it's only because we're a primitive people that have never stepped further than our own moon. Surely you guys are MUCH more enlightened and advanced than us, making it all the way here and all.
By the way, did I mention how amazing it would be if you didn't invade us? I didn't? Oh, well that would be awesome.
Anyway, as I was saying...many will distrust you, many will hate you, but I'm also fairly certain that many will welcome you with open arms. In fact, I bet a decent number of those welcoming humans are going to be REALLY interested in meeting you guys. Those are the ones to really look out for because those are the nutjobs bent on making sure they're the first to have sex with a species other than our own.
Seriously, we're a decent people. You have to believe me.
But hey! Maybe you're willing to look beyond all of those silly quirks humans have! Maybe you're excited to take under your wing (wings?) a fledgling race that dreams of the stars. If you are seriously considering this, please make sure you have a means of disarming nuclear weapons because these pesky countries here that cover our planet are going to fight over who has first rights to you guys. That's right, my alien friends, we humans are such a petty species that we'll fight over who gets first dibs on what could be the biggest step forward for all of humanity. Hell, we may even go to war over it.
By the way, did I mention how awesome it would be if you guys didn't make us fight each other over your attention? I didn't? Well, that would be amazing.
In all seriousness, our extraterrestrial neighbors, there are a lot of wonderful things we humans and the planet Earth has to offer. If you guys are willing to overlook our many MANY flaws and help us find a better way to exist, I promise we won't disappoint.
Hell, the Doctor likes us. That should be a glowing recommendation, right?
Sincerely,
Jason Willard
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